7 Ways to Be Her Hero

Doug Fields has a great new book in which he targets advice for men about stepping up and becoming the man their partner can love and respect. It's called 7 Ways To Be Her Hero: The One Your Wife Has Been Waiting For (W Publishing Group 2014). While Doug has a background in ministry and church leadership, he's an entertaining and approachable writer and speaker whose book has universal truths no matter your background.

Fields encourages each person to develop some depth, as well as slowing down to get out of living life like a NASCAR race. There is more to life than speed. Quality relationships take time, effort and intention. Anyone can fall in love, all it takes is a pulse. It's keeping the connection that is admirable and requires that people dig deeper into understanding themselves and the other person.

So what does Fields recommend that men do to become their partner's hero?

1. Edit. Don't say everything you think. Avoid defensiveness and criticism.

2. Choose your words carefully. Use them to support, encourage and build up your partner. Be sincere and specific. Notice what is loving and right in the other person. Let them know when and how they positively impact your life. Fields recalls Gary Chapman's five love languages, encouraging men to find out whether their partner prefers:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

When you identify your partner's preferred language, use it.

3. Become a world-class listener. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Make eye contact. Don't multi-task. This creates emotional intimacy. Try to grow beyond sharing clichés, facts and opinions into the deeper levels of sharing feelings and needs.

4. Go big with small things. Be generous emotionally by noticing her preferences and needs. Pay attention and do small actions that will please her. Doug shares great examples in his book of moving past selfishness to being sensitive to making your partner's day easier or better.

5. Increase non-sexual touch, like holding hands, hugging and kissing hello or goodbye, sitting by her on the couch, or touching her gently when you pass her. It's been said that when it comes to sexuality, men can be like microwave ovens and women are more like crock pots. Gentle, non-sexual, non-demanding, affectionate touch is something that most women want more of.

6. Putting the pride aside. Great guys can apologize and admit mistakes. Humility and confidence are a winning combination.

7. Care for her heart. Help her heal from childhood wounds and past relationship pain through your devotion and steadfastness. Point out her strengths and the things you love about her. Fill her tank. Help her to feel safe by being trustworthy and honest. Inspire her respect by being impeccable with your word.

Doug Fields' insights come partly from many years of facilitating and leading men's groups, speaking with women, and his own marriage. 7 Ways to Be Her Hero is a quick, easy read and has lots of relatable vignettes. It's a gem of a book that just might make a big difference in your own life, or the life of the man you love. Emotional intimacy in relationships is built one day at a time, and this book can give you practical tools to do it.

The Best Valentine's Day Gifts of All

On the way into work this morning, I was listening to a radio show with the hosts discussing great Valentine's gift ideas: shaving kits, flowers to plant, perfumes and lotions, homemade cakes and macaroons. As a couples and family therapist, I can think of things your loved ones might prefer. Here are a few suggestions, and most carry the benefit of being absolutely free.

Spend time together - Whether it's your partner, your child, or your parent, planning a surprise day out or evening together is a wonderful gift of your time. It says, "You are a priority in my life," and "You're important."

Take initiative- Be the one who makes dinner, plans a date, finishes a home project, washes the dishes or the car, weeds the garden , or initiates affection. Doing anything sweet without being asked means so much.

Honesty- Be direct and honest with your loved ones. Communicate if you are upset, don't freeze others out. Don't keep secrets. Be honorable with your word.

Be faithful- Make your commitment to your partner meaning something. Set boundaries with others. Protect and nurture your primary relationship. If you have an issue with your partner have the courage and honor to talk with them directly about it, not to others.

Own your own part- Apologize if you overreact or behave badly. Make the effort to do better. Manage your own stress and anger by learning to meditate or quiet your mind. Take out your own mental trash.

Express yourself- Make your partner and loved ones a card or write them a letter that details exactly what you love about them. Be specific, and cite examples. Say "I love you" often, be generous!

Try to see it their way- In every relationship their are two perspectives, theirs and yours.
Make an effort to shift out of your perspective and see things from their perspective.

Have some fun together- Most couples and most families don't have nearly enough fun together. Clear the calendar for a regular date night and a regular family fun night, game night, movie night or whatever might be a blast for your loved ones.

Listen- More than you speak. So few people do it. Your partner or family member will be very appreciative. Intentionally focus on your loved one. Put down the phone and distractions. There is no better gift than your full attention.

Touch- Give a heartfelt hug or a kiss and watch your loved one light up. Hug like you mean it. Give your partner a back massage. Hold hands. Touch your partner lovingly as you pass them around the house. Children do better with loving, appropriate touch. Seniors especially need to be lovingly hugged.

Give compliments- Sincere and unsolicited compliments feel wonderful. Let your loved one know what you value about them or appreciate about them. Be specific.

Leave love notes- Put them in your child's lunch or your partner's briefcase, desk, closet or pillow. Teenagers get such undeserved bad press and like love notes, too.

Forgive- Don't hold grudges. Talk it out. Show your loved one you can work through difficult feelings like hurt, resentment and anger and make repairs.

Tiny little gifts- Big, splashy valentines gifts are nice, but how about a tiny, sweet little gift that says I thought of you on an ordinary Monday? It could be a piece of chocolate, a flower or a pack of gum, but what matters is the unprompted thoughtfulness.

Think creatively, and make demonstrating your love something that goes beyond Valentine's Day. These little signs of love are what make living worthwhile, and giving is every bit as satisfying as receiving them. In life, it's interesting that many of the most valuable gifts can't be bought. Being in loving relationships is essential for living your life well everyday.

The Connecting Power Of Touch

Loving touch comforts and heals. Many seniors who live alone or in residential settings can go long periods of time without being hugged or touched. Children are happier with generous amounts of it. Couples can't thrive without it. Even our pets crave it. We never outgrow our need for it.

Ashley Montagu was a British anthropologist who wrote a book about the importance of touch. Skin to skin contact is essential for optimal happiness and well-being. Here are some of the things we know from studies about touch:

1. We feel more connected to someone if they touch us.

2.We can communicate many different emotions through touch.

3.The situation, or context for the touch modifies the meaning of it. Does it occur at a bar? With friends? At home?

4.Touch is an essential channel of communication between parents and children.

5. A mother's touch deepens the attachment between mother and child.

6. Even babies like to be touched.  The University of Miami's School of Medicine studied infants, and demonstrated that babies who are massaged by parents sleep better, are less irritable, are more social with other babies, and preemies even grow better when lovingly touched.

7. Generally, we are touched more often when we are little. However, we all need positive touch.
Sometimes when counseling young couples with small children, I find they both touch the babies or children, but the adults may forget (or are too tired) to remember to touch each other.

8.Touch is learned. It varies by culture. I have several young couples in premarital counseling where the differences in how each family uses touch is causing some discomfort and is having to be negotiated. You can also talk with your partner and teach each other how you like to be touched. I like couples to be intentional with each other, and kiss and hug goodbye and hello when they part in the morning and when they reconnect at the end of their day.

9.Touch has reciprocal benefits for both people, the person who is doing the touching, as well as the person being touched. Studies of stress hormones before and after massages confirm the benefit for giver and receiver.

10. Children usually respond beautifully to a little massage of their arms, backs ,
and/or legs before bedtime. It tends to help them transition to sleep better. I encourage parents to consider adding some loving touch into the bedtime routine with babies and children. I often recommend increased loving parent-child touch with anxious children.

11. Touch fosters and communicates intimacy in romantic relationships. I often notice the distance at which couples sit from each other on the couch in my counseling office and whether or not they touch each other during the counseling session.  It gives me a little window in to how they probably treat each other at home.

12. Inappropriate touch is threatening, and touch that feels too personal from strangers can scare people. Generally from the shoulder to the hand would be a less threatening location to touch someone you are not close to.

13.The gender of the sender and receiver of the touch also modify the way the touch is interpreted.

14. At work, a handshake is the best choice for touch. Honoring boundaries and personal space at work is key to being professional, as well as avoiding sexual harassment concerns.

15. In certain situations, like when someone is grieving, or celebrating wonderful news with you,
touch may be better than any words you could find to express support.

How many times have you been touched this week? Have you reached out to connect with loved ones recently with  hugs, and other ways to touch to comfort, connect or reassure? Have you talked with those you are closest to about how they feel about touch? Do you know a child or a senior who might need your loving touch? Think of touch as another tool for connecting you to the people you love, on a skin to skin, visceral level.

Do You Speak Love Languages?

Some books you read and never think about ever again. Some books you remember. Gary Chapman's classic book about relationships, "The Five Love Languages", is the second type. Chapman's book was published years ago now, but it has a simple but elegant idea which I still draw from when I'm coaching clients about improving and strengthening their relationships.

With couples, it is so important to understand the differences between the two of you and to grow to appreciate and work with them. Often people assume that their partner thinks, feels, or needs what they do. Surprise! They probably don't. You need to ask. This is a simple but incredibly important concept, that you need to love people you love in the way they can best receive it, not in the way that you like to give or receive it.

The concept of love languages is useful not just in couples relationships, but also in parent-child relationships, and other close family and friend relationships. It's an easy and fun conversation to start with someone you care about. How do you like to be shown that I love and care about you? Here's what I prefer from you.

Here are the five love languages:

1.Words of affirmation- verbal or written feedback about your significance to the other person. This could include encouragement, praise, compliments, and kind words that build the other person up. The words say, "I see you. I care about you. I appreciate you I value you. I cherish you".

2.Quality time spent together- this should be time spent giving that person your complete and undivided attention. Minimize all distractions. The attention should be individualized, perhaps doing something together you both enjoy. Make eye contact. Put away your cell phone, ipad, computer, or book. Focus on being completely present. Do active listening, where you ask questions to understand more deeply.

3.Gifts-they don't have to be expensive. It's more the idea that you thought about the other person. It could be as small as leaving your partner a pack of gum or chocolate they love, or bringing them a flower. For people who have this as their love language, anniversary and birthday gifts hold great meaning, and unexpected gifts on regular days really makes them melt.

4.Acts of service- some people like to be shown that their partner loves them by having them do a loving action. It could be filling your car with gas, or cleaning the house, or pruning the roses, or doing something kind for your aging parent. These are thoughtful acts that put love into action.

4.Physical touch- For optimal emotional and physical health and well-being,  each of us need to be touched and hugged in a loving way multiple times per day. Your children need it, and the adults that are close to you usually want it. To some people it is the most important way to be close and make them feel loved and needed.

Which language is your preferred way to receive love? This might be a fun conversation to have this week with someone you love. Whether it's your partner, your child, your parent, or a dear friend that you cherish, it always feels good to have someone take the time to find out what your currency is. Chapman's book gives lots of examples from relationships and is a fast and useful read.

Hello,Goodbye, and other Connecting Points

Connecting points are rituals of connection with the people you are closest to. They are touch points in your day and your week that make both you and the other person feel valued, important, and special. These actions make you feel like you belong. We need connecting points with all the special people in our lives: our partner, our children, our parents, and dear friends.

Couples need connecting points that include a kiss and a hug when you say goodbye for the day.

When one of you re-enters the home that evening, it is good relationship form to have the returning partner track down the partner at home for a hug and kiss hello. Even if they are cooking dinner, are on their laptop, or with the kids. The message is: everything else can wait for a minute. You are incredibly important to me. I am glad you are home.

Couples also need connection on a physical level on a regular basis, including holding hands and cuddling. Standing appointments with each other for a weekly date night also help re-romanticize the relationship. All week long you can both look forward to it. You wouldn't believe the number of good men I've seen in individual counseling over the years who are sensitive to the fact that their once affectionate partner never reaches out anymore.Be sure to kiss your partner good night, and tell them you love them often. Live without regret!

Rituals of connection are also bonding with your children and as a family. Have dinner around your kitchen or dining room table as often as you can. Share a prayer, and/or the best part of each person's day. Teens may protest, but they actually like it if you are serving food they like. Make Sunday dinner a big deal. I know someone in his 40's who still remembers the warmth of Sunday family dinners at his grandmother's house. Consider a game night, a pizza and a DVD night, or other great ideas the kids may have. Make it fun to be a part of your unique family. Create holiday traditions. Worship together. Read aloud together. I can still remember fondly my Dad reading to my sister and I. Bedtimes and tucking in time are terrific opportunities for end of the day connecting. Tell your children you love them. Hug them liberally and frequently.

Once you're on your own, and as parents age, create rituals of connection with your parents. They will look forward to a standing phone call, lunch, or dinner, and so will you. They won't always be there to enjoy. Get them talking about their life, their childhood, when they met their partner. Sharing happy memories about your aging parents' travel, work, relationships and life is wonderful for both of you. It's your family history, too! Make sure you tell them you love them. Many older seniors who are widowed don't get touched much, so be sure to connect with them with a hug. It might be the only touch they've had for a while, and touch is good for mental wellness.

Being intentional and conscious about staying connected to those you care about most is important. It's also some of the sweetest stuff in life. Make sure you don't miss out! Choose to be connected, rather than disconnected, from those you love. It will make your life much more meaningful.

Keeping It Fresh With Your Partner

Everything gets stale if it just sits there:bread, cookies, love relationships. Almost every month, I have a patient tell me they are not sure if they are still in love with their partner. It doesn't surprise me a bit. In successful long-term marriages, it is normal for couples to fall in and out of love many times. The question is, what do you do about it?

During the courtship phase of a relationship, everyone is on their best behavior, and trying hard to be an interesting partner. It's relatively easy for an individual to appear positively during courtship. You see each other a limited amount of time, do fun things together, and are apart when you are doing some of the mundane tasks of everyday life.I often wonder if I catch a show like the Bachelor, currently on ABC,who wouldn't have a great time on some of those dates? Exotic vacations, fine dining and outdoor adventures could make any date seem terrific, but it's no surprise that a lot of those matches don't last long after the show taping. Falling in love is a temporary,endorphin-filled state of mind which never lasts. The challenge comes after that first glow wears off, and you figure out whether you have the capacity to grow, mature, accept, nurure,and love the person you picked.Even if they are not completely what you expected, which noone ever is.

You could use the feelings of falling out of love to justify having an affair, emotional or physical, because you are not getting those good feelings from your current partner. This is an emotionally immature choice, because you go chasing the endorphin surge that will pass again, and you prevent your own soul growth as a person, and your partner becomes collateral damage to your self-absorbtion.

I encourage individuals and couples to understand the normal ebb and flow nature of commited relationships. There are a number of life cycle events---having a new baby,having teenagers, launching children and moving on, the death of a parent, and others, which normally pull couples further away from each other.

Your part is to understand and take responsibility for keeping your most important relationship fresh. How good a partner are you? Noone is allowed to say I gave before, so now it is up to my partner. Relationships are like an energy feedback loop. If you are contributing at a high level(say 100%), it is amazing how that may bring your partner around to be more engaged with you. What sweet things have you done for your parner this week?

Here are some interesting ideas for you to implement this week:

1.Use touch.Massage your partners' neck or back gently. Hold hands. Sit near them.
2.Kiss and hug hello and goodbye when one of you leaves or arrives.
3.Send sweet or flirty text, voice messages,or e-mails.
4.Have some high energy fun together.
5.Do some things without the children.
6.Plan weekly date nights.
7.Plan a getaway weekend.
8.Surprise your partner with a little gift for no reason.
9.Take good care of yourself so that you are still attractive to your partner.
10.Find interesting things to talk about together.I generally forbid couples I counsel to discuss the children or household tasks on dates with each other.
11.Meet up someplace new. Drive separately, or meet after work.
12.Learn something new together.
13.Ask your partner for feedback about how you are doing at meeting their needs.
14.Share responsibility for initiating intimacy. EVERYONE likes to have their partner pursue them. Men included here.
15.Listen more to your partner. Paraprase what they are saying so that they know you understand.

I encourage you to take ownership of not letting your relationship go stale.You picked this person,remember.You can intentionally up the energy and focus you put into the relationship, and see what occurs.

There is no reason to wait until Valentine's Day on February 14.Truly magical things happen when each person takes responsibility for being a loving, attentive,fun, and alive partner and person. Let the magic begin!