The Best Valentine's Day Gifts of All

On the way into work this morning, I was listening to a radio show with the hosts discussing great Valentine's gift ideas: shaving kits, flowers to plant, perfumes and lotions, homemade cakes and macaroons. As a couples and family therapist, I can think of things your loved ones might prefer. Here are a few suggestions, and most carry the benefit of being absolutely free.

Spend time together - Whether it's your partner, your child, or your parent, planning a surprise day out or evening together is a wonderful gift of your time. It says, "You are a priority in my life," and "You're important."

Take initiative- Be the one who makes dinner, plans a date, finishes a home project, washes the dishes or the car, weeds the garden , or initiates affection. Doing anything sweet without being asked means so much.

Honesty- Be direct and honest with your loved ones. Communicate if you are upset, don't freeze others out. Don't keep secrets. Be honorable with your word.

Be faithful- Make your commitment to your partner meaning something. Set boundaries with others. Protect and nurture your primary relationship. If you have an issue with your partner have the courage and honor to talk with them directly about it, not to others.

Own your own part- Apologize if you overreact or behave badly. Make the effort to do better. Manage your own stress and anger by learning to meditate or quiet your mind. Take out your own mental trash.

Express yourself- Make your partner and loved ones a card or write them a letter that details exactly what you love about them. Be specific, and cite examples. Say "I love you" often, be generous!

Try to see it their way- In every relationship their are two perspectives, theirs and yours.
Make an effort to shift out of your perspective and see things from their perspective.

Have some fun together- Most couples and most families don't have nearly enough fun together. Clear the calendar for a regular date night and a regular family fun night, game night, movie night or whatever might be a blast for your loved ones.

Listen- More than you speak. So few people do it. Your partner or family member will be very appreciative. Intentionally focus on your loved one. Put down the phone and distractions. There is no better gift than your full attention.

Touch- Give a heartfelt hug or a kiss and watch your loved one light up. Hug like you mean it. Give your partner a back massage. Hold hands. Touch your partner lovingly as you pass them around the house. Children do better with loving, appropriate touch. Seniors especially need to be lovingly hugged.

Give compliments- Sincere and unsolicited compliments feel wonderful. Let your loved one know what you value about them or appreciate about them. Be specific.

Leave love notes- Put them in your child's lunch or your partner's briefcase, desk, closet or pillow. Teenagers get such undeserved bad press and like love notes, too.

Forgive- Don't hold grudges. Talk it out. Show your loved one you can work through difficult feelings like hurt, resentment and anger and make repairs.

Tiny little gifts- Big, splashy valentines gifts are nice, but how about a tiny, sweet little gift that says I thought of you on an ordinary Monday? It could be a piece of chocolate, a flower or a pack of gum, but what matters is the unprompted thoughtfulness.

Think creatively, and make demonstrating your love something that goes beyond Valentine's Day. These little signs of love are what make living worthwhile, and giving is every bit as satisfying as receiving them. In life, it's interesting that many of the most valuable gifts can't be bought. Being in loving relationships is essential for living your life well everyday.

Do You Speak Love Languages?

Some books you read and never think about ever again. Some books you remember. Gary Chapman's classic book about relationships, "The Five Love Languages", is the second type. Chapman's book was published years ago now, but it has a simple but elegant idea which I still draw from when I'm coaching clients about improving and strengthening their relationships.

With couples, it is so important to understand the differences between the two of you and to grow to appreciate and work with them. Often people assume that their partner thinks, feels, or needs what they do. Surprise! They probably don't. You need to ask. This is a simple but incredibly important concept, that you need to love people you love in the way they can best receive it, not in the way that you like to give or receive it.

The concept of love languages is useful not just in couples relationships, but also in parent-child relationships, and other close family and friend relationships. It's an easy and fun conversation to start with someone you care about. How do you like to be shown that I love and care about you? Here's what I prefer from you.

Here are the five love languages:

1.Words of affirmation- verbal or written feedback about your significance to the other person. This could include encouragement, praise, compliments, and kind words that build the other person up. The words say, "I see you. I care about you. I appreciate you I value you. I cherish you".

2.Quality time spent together- this should be time spent giving that person your complete and undivided attention. Minimize all distractions. The attention should be individualized, perhaps doing something together you both enjoy. Make eye contact. Put away your cell phone, ipad, computer, or book. Focus on being completely present. Do active listening, where you ask questions to understand more deeply.

3.Gifts-they don't have to be expensive. It's more the idea that you thought about the other person. It could be as small as leaving your partner a pack of gum or chocolate they love, or bringing them a flower. For people who have this as their love language, anniversary and birthday gifts hold great meaning, and unexpected gifts on regular days really makes them melt.

4.Acts of service- some people like to be shown that their partner loves them by having them do a loving action. It could be filling your car with gas, or cleaning the house, or pruning the roses, or doing something kind for your aging parent. These are thoughtful acts that put love into action.

4.Physical touch- For optimal emotional and physical health and well-being,  each of us need to be touched and hugged in a loving way multiple times per day. Your children need it, and the adults that are close to you usually want it. To some people it is the most important way to be close and make them feel loved and needed.

Which language is your preferred way to receive love? This might be a fun conversation to have this week with someone you love. Whether it's your partner, your child, your parent, or a dear friend that you cherish, it always feels good to have someone take the time to find out what your currency is. Chapman's book gives lots of examples from relationships and is a fast and useful read.

Two Secrets of Great Relationships: Listen and Reveal

With Valentine's Day coming up this week, there are people scrambling for gift ideas: jewelry, perfume, dinner someplace special, and cards that are loving, funny or flirty. After several powerful hours spent this week with couples I am seeing for emotionally-focused couples counseling, I've been thinking that there are two most significant gifts you can give in a relationship.  They are actually free. They are listening effectively and well to the other person, and speaking up with your partner to reveal more about yourself, your emotions and interior life.

We often don't get trained growing up to listen very well. I find that many people may pause or stop speaking, but they are not actively listening from the heart. Try to remember: who are the people in your life who have REALLY listened from the heart? They will stand out. Did you have a parent who really listened? Were your parents too busy with work or their own problems?

Even if you've never had someone who really listened in your life, it's a learnable skill. You can be the first in your family or in your relationship.

It's important to do some self reflection about yourself as a listener. Do you make eye contact with your partner when they are speaking with you? Can you put away distractions? Do you interrupt? Do you ask questions to more deeply understand something the other person is expressing to you? Do you summarize what they have expressed to make certain that you understand? Can you be honest if you do not have time to listen and ask to meet up again later so that you can listen more completely?

Here are the keys to being an exceptional listener:

1. Stay calm. Don't get defensive or cross-complain. Try not to overreact or take it personally.

2. Ask questions to deepen your understanding. Develop a curiosity about the other person. You don't know it all about your partner, and you never will. That's what keeps things fresh and interesting.

3. Remind yourself to stay open, and not get upset. This way you can support your partner in sharing more with you. They will shut down if you get reactive.

4. Express empathy. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine how they might be feeling about what they are expressing. Respond with what makes sense about how they may be feeling. You can hold on to you and still empathize with their feelings. It will help your partner relax with you to know that you empathize with them. They will feel more partnered and less alone.

5. Recap. As accurately as you can (without any spin), restate in your own words what your partner has shared with you. Ask if you have understood correctly. Ask if they wish to tell you more.

Doesn't being listened to this way by someone you love sound like it would feel wonderful? It does! I have seen couples visibly soften with each other, feel closer, and be moved to tears with this kind of listening.

The other key relationship building skill is learning to initiate conversations----even difficult ones---- and reveal one's self. What's the best way to do that?

1. Ask your partner for a time to talk. Ask them to be your active listener (as above). Make sure your partner is engaged and ready.

2. Pick one, and only one, topic to focus on. Describe what you want.

3. Share your thoughts and your feelings. Go for the vulnerable feelings underneath, such as sadness, loneliness, rejection, hurt, guilt, etc.

4. Avoid accusing, name calling and blaming. That will shut your partner down or make it nearly impossible for them not to get defensive. Focus on your own part.

5. Be open to learning more about yourself. See what you can learn about how you react, feel, and process experiences.

Having great relationships isn't just about finding the right person or buying them the best gifts.Truly great love relationships are where you challenge yourself to grow emotionally, listen  more deeply from the heart ,and learn to speak up and reveal more of yourself in ways that allow your partner to get closer. Understanding someone you love and their vulnerabilities, and having them understand you is about the best gift I know of.