New York Times Article: Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

An essay by writer/philosopher Alain De Botton from last Sunday's New York Times has great relationship advice with a healthy amount of skepticism about finding one right partner, and a realistic view about learning how to become mature, flexible and negotiate differences gracefully. Read the article here!

Before 'I Do' : The Case For Pre-Marital Counseling

Is pre-marital counseling a good idea for most couples? Absolutely. It's very easy to get caught up planning the details of the wedding, reception and honeymoon. Many couples don't ever get to some of the tough issues that couples need to discuss about building their life together after the wedding is over. The wedding is really just the starting line for your relationship.

It can also really help to have an objective and professional person whose job it is to focus on all the potential areas for conflict and guide you on how to handle them. You can learn in pre-marital counseling how to set a foundation to work through future concerns in an empathic, mature and open way. We know all couples have conflict, so learning how you can work through them in a calm, respectful way before you walk down the aisle is a huge benefit. The counselor's office can be the best and safest place to identify and learn how to work with your differences as a couple.

Sometimes couples are "so in love" that they are not looking at challenges and differences in a realistic way. Each partner was raised in their own family, and bring their own unique style of expressing affection, ways to work through or avoid conflict, partner roles, and the balance of separateness/togetherness. Whatever you saw happen in your family feels 'normal' to you. Being able to identify the strengths and weaknesses in each of the families you grew up in with help you illuminate the differences between you in a non-defensive setting. You may or may not want the relationship your parents had, and your partner had their own experiences.

Couples who marry in their 20's or 30's may not be fully individuated from their own families. Couples who remarry later can underestimate what it takes in emotional maturity to blend a family together and be a stepparent to their partner's children. Being pushed hard by a therapist on how you will handle conflicts over in-laws, parenting, money, debt, affection/sex, religion/spirituality, holidays and other pivotal issues is very helpful so that you have a plan. Think of pre-marital counseling like a preemptive strike. You will have different wants and needs, so having a safe way to discuss them is so important. Your partner may be very loving, but will never read your mind.

In last summer's findings in the National Marriage Project, they found that couples who've had pre-marital counseling do better. The odds of having a happy marriage are linked to how people functioned in their relationships before marriage.

Taking the time to address how you will handle difficult topics, like personal boundaries, jealousy, intimacy, work stress, family demands, feelings about having children, and limits you will put on distractions to couples time (cellphones, tablets, television) is time well invested in your happiness as a couple. In short, counseling before you get married helps you keep the emphasis on the life you are building together, rather than just one, big eventful day. Successful marriages take loving, honoring,
communicating respectfully, listening, negotiating and seeing the other person's perspective. Pre-marital counseling can help you get there.

Owning Your Own Power

I see people give away too much of their own personal power. While I'm not interested in power over other people, I see it as highly desirable to exercise your own power over yourself and your own life choices.

Mastery of our own power seems difficult for most people, but especially challenging for women. As women, we are socialized with the feminine archetype of the all-sacrificing, demure, other-centered mother who puts herself last. Most young women have trouble developing their own voice within relationships, advocating for what they need and want in an assertive way.

It always shocks me to be treating a bright, educated, talented young woman who allows herself to be verbally abused or otherwise mistreated in a love relationship. Many other young women are in relationships where they are so grateful to be loved and accepted that they pack away and sublimate their own desires, goals, and interests. It's as if young women believe we have to make a bargain, and give away part of ourselves to be in intimate relationships. You shouldn't have to do that, but first you need someone to remind you that you need to be yourself in close relationships, or it's not the right relationship for you.

How do you empower yourself?

1. You ask yourself what would you REALLY be doing or wanting if you were not afraid. Don't operate out of fear.

2. You keep working on your own personal goals, even when you are in a relationship. This might include career goals, more education, volunteer service, making and maintaining friendships, financial health, physical fitness, learning new things, developing your interests and passions, cultivating your spirituality, traveling, or learning a new skill. Remember, whatever happens in your relationship, you are with you, either way! Keep making you interesting, and keep growing.

3. Give up blame.

4. Take responsibility for yourself, your attitude, your mistakes, and your part in things.

5. Get some support. Most people feel more courageous when they are encouraged. Build your own supportive community. Find a therapist who can help you identify how to build yours. Consider deepening your existing support system by joining a support group, a meetup group, a women's or men's group, a book club, or a religious or spiritual group.

6. Give up playing 'victim'. Don't use victim language. Don't hope for a rescue, make some plans and set some goals. Act like you believe in yourself.

7. Learn to negotiate, and do it at work as well as in your close relationships. You may not be able to get what you want, but how do you know unless you try? Many partners and supervisors respect you more if you advocate respectfully on your own behalf.

8. Say hello to 'NO'. Boundaries have to be set and maintained with other people. Having limits gets you respected. Your yes means nothing if you aren't free to say no. Don't be a doormat. They get walked on.

9. Show some confidence. This isn't the same thing as arrogance. It isn't boastful or prideful. Humble confidence means you respect yourself.

10. Focus less on what other people think of you. People pleasing is overrated and exhausting.

11. Appreciate your unique qualities.

12. Work on accepting yourself, and speaking kindly to yourself on the inside. The power of our internal dialogue is huge. Become aware of what your inner voice is saying to you all day, and upgrade that criticism to encouraging, supportive self-talk.

13. Speak up. Say what you think, want, and feel. If you don't, you are going to be underrepresented in the relationship, and over time you may grow to resent the other person.

14. Don't sign up for any long-term relationship with a person who devalues you, demeans you, doesn't care what you want, or doesn't feel you are just as important as they are.

Recently, when I was participating in a large women's collective discussion, I noticed the dramatic difference between those we were fearful, and those who, in the words of writer and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown, were "daring greatly". Only you can decide to be you, undiluted by life's events and disappointments, and striving for a bigger life. Only you can play you at full strength. Don't settle for anything less.

Love Isn't About Control

On 60 Minutes this weekend, they featured a segment about the break-up that happened recently with Katie Holmes filing for divorce from Tom Cruise. It's all speculation, but they noted that Katie's "surprising" Tom with the divorce appeared to be a tactical, strategic operation taking quite a bit of pre-planning. The anchors conjectured that she seemed to be doing the emotional equivalent of escaping from Alcatraz. Popular media is reporting sources that claim Tom dominated Katie's career moves, the company she kept, and may have thrust her into a role in Scientology that she may not have wanted for herself, or for their daughter, Suri.

Love is better between equals. It really shouldn't be about controlling the other person, or getting them to do every little thing your way. A secure person can accept the unique differences between themself and the person they love.

When you choose a life partner, you want to build a life together, not fit them into your script. You want to hear about their desires, preferences, and ideas. You want a safe way to dialogue about your differences in a respectful way, and listen just as much as you speak. Don't lecture or deliver monologues to your partner.

Love between equals means that you each contribute to the relationship---through time, effort, and/or finances. You respect the contributions that your partner makes. You make big decisions together. You don't assume that you are always right. You don't hide important information from them, leaving them outside the loop in their own relationship.

Healthy couples disagree sometimes, respectfully and fairly. This means you don't call names. You listen to your partner. They listen to you. You both try to understand the other person's perspective. You compromise, or take turns in getting to influence important decisions.

People also change over time. In successful, enduring relationships, you need to be able to accept that your partner will probably change and develop over the course of the relationship. Hopefully you will also evolve. If you can't learn to be flexible, and make it safe and comfortable to be open with you about what they need, you partner may come to feel suffocated by the relationship.

Here are some tips for love among equals:

1.      Encourage your partner to talk with you about their needs, thoughts, desires, and hopes (even if they are different from yours)

2.      Celebrate the differences between you. Do some activities together, and some separate. (Happy couples also individuate. Think Paul Newman and Jo Ann Woodward: He raced cars, she was a ballet fan.)

3.      Allow yourself and your partner to change and grow.

4.      Listen as much as you speak.

5.      Share decision-making with your partner- don’t dominate in how things are done, from holidays, to how money is spent, to travel plans, religious practice, and everything else.

6.      Be open and transparent, and ask the same of your partner.

7.      Support your partner's growth and development. Keep working on your own.

It's over for Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's marriage.
Hopefully, they can work out a way to work to respectfully co-parent Suri, despite the marriage ending.
It's sad when happily ever after goes bust a short five years later. Women are more commonly the partner to file for divorce. These critical skills of sharing power and control, and cherishing the differences between yourself and the other person are among the best tools that couples have for a loving relationship that really works and grows over time. You want to love someone who is your equal, challenges you, and lets you be you. Your partner deserves all these good things, too. Happily ever after? Maybe it's love, honor, respect, and negotiate ever after.