In Praise of Bedtime, and A Little Structure From Parents

Fall is just around the corner, and I'm helping the families I see in family counseling set up some structure and a game plan for family life for the busy school year ahead. Summer is a time to loosen up the family structure and stay up later, do more outside, take time to vacation and rest up. In September, it's time for the family architects (the parents) to get back on track and communicate with the whole family about how they can help and work together collaboratively.

Too many families have too little structure, and end up being chaotic, messy, and angrier than necessary. If you have school-age children, here is a check-list of things to consider to avoid family chaos and crankiness:

1. Bedtimes- I don't like to see teens up until 2AM then trying to get up for school. Even though most teens stay up late during the summer, I encourage you to talk with your teen ASAP about beginning the shift to an earlier wind-down. Teens actually need more sleep than adults or some younger children. Turning off electronics an hour before bed helps brains cool down and prepare for sleep.

Younger children need bedtimes, too. They need a consistent bedtime routine (think bath time, stories/reading, tucking in/quiet, gentle talking with a parent, then lights out).

Parents also need some relaxing, adult time before bed, which is impossible if you all go to bed at midnight.

2. Get Everyone Sleeping in Their Own Rooms- With the exception of tiny babies, I much prefer we get parents sleeping in their bedroom and the children sleeping in their rooms. This helps everyone get a better night's sleep, helps us maintain appropriate parent/child boundaries, and helps children develop their ability to self comfort. Get started early on this project, because it's much more difficult to clean up this problem when the children are older. If you have an anxious child, go spend time in their room for a while, but don't sleep in their room, and don't have them sleep in yours. This is even more important for single parents. Don't make your child your companion. Adults need some grown up time after children are in bed. Set clear guidelines and enforce them with consistency.

3. Chores- The start of the fall season is a great natural time to set up a simple new chore system. If your kids missed that because they had a nanny when they were younger or you got used to handling everything, start today. Make a list of age appropriate chores, and have all children age 4 and up pick a few, possibly 2 or 3 things they promise to help with that month. Rotate tasks and choose again each month so nobody gets stuck with the trash cans, or some other unappealing task, all the time. Have the children help make a reminder list to post on the fridge which specifies who will do what and when. Have the kids help you set up consequences in advance for any family member who flakes on their chore. Being a family isn't just about receiving, but also about contributing. I recommend that even adult children who live at home while going to college, or after college, get some chores, too. Each person picking up after themselves, making their bed and straightening up the basics in their bedroom and bathroom should definitely be included in this.

4. Allowance- If you don't have a system set up, the fall is a great time to start one up. I like some small amount of money even for little ones as young as 5 or 6. It's a great teaching tool, where you can have them save some, give some to charity, and have some to spend. For older kids, it's a great way not to get nickeled and dimed at stores by the children. They need to plan, bring their own money, and learn to evaluate whether a purchase is really worth it. They can also learn to exercise the self-control to save for an important goal. Some parents link chores to allowance, while others prefer to keep the two as distinct.

5. Morning and Evening Routines- These are the two most high-conflict times for families. Talk with your partner, and then with the children about creating a smooth new morning routine, and ask them each to make a list for themselves of what they need to do.  I prefer everyone gets up a few minutes earlier to make that busy time less hectic. Try to get the children to agree to shower, prep their backpack, pack a lunch, and select school clothes the night before if at all possible. Many girls can really lose time in the morning selecting an outfit. Consider eliminating the third parent, the television set, at these busy times by keeping it off. Start as early as you can to have the children wake up to their own alarm rather than depending on you. It's cute when they are little, but aggravating if you lose the window of opportunity on this task and your high school senior is mad that you didn't keep trying to wake them up after multiple attempts.

6. Family Meetings- I recommend them as a great tool for communicating and working more effectively as a family. Often Sunday night at dinner works best. Parents plan the agenda. Limit it to 10 to 20 minutes, depending on children's attention spans. I always recommend meetings occur at a mealtime. Put a sheet of paper on the fridge so the children and teens can add agenda items. Have each family member, adults and kids, bring a specific compliment to share with every person there. Keep a journal of plans and decisions made so you can follow up next time you meet. If you pay allowance, this is a good time to distribute it.

7. Family Fun Nights- Too many families don't really enjoy each other that much. It's so important to play together regularly. Ask your children if they would like to create a fun family tradition; perhaps you could initiate a weekly board game and pizza night, or a hike or outdoor activity together on Sunday afternoons. Most children I ask about this are thrilled at the prospect of more family fun. Remember: no cell phones or electronics allowed.

8. Date Night- You are also creating a blueprint for your children about how marriage works. Healthy partnerships take a few hours out of the week to spend doing something enjoyable together, preferably out of the house. If you set up Saturday date nights, you plan one, then ask your partner to plan the next, and keep alternating. Nobody likes to be taken for granted, and I find both partners like to be courted. It's also fun to get to plan some activities you think would be fun to do with your partner. Two rules: 1) Do not discuss the children (it's too easy to hide there) and 2) Try to do something where you can chat some, so a movie is not ideal unless you add getting an iced tea after to discuss the film.

These eight suggestions can give your family just the structure you need to feel successful in your life as a couple and a family. Go for it! Daily life is so much more fun if we are all paddling the canoe in the same direction.

Easing Post-College Transition for Your Child and Yourself

Finishing college is a huge accomplishment. Next comes the post-college transition, which is often more difficult than expected. It can involve your grad moving back home while he looks for work or considers what’s next. After the “high” of graduation, the next chapter can feel like a letdown. He may not be happy to be home and probably misses living independently. Dealing with entrances and exits from the family system can be difficult. Here are some tips that can help your child launch, and assist if he or she decides to re-enter the nest.

Continue reading my article for OC Family here. 

Necessary Losses: Getting Good at Getting Through Grief

Necessary losses are a part of our lives. Loss softens us, and causes us to reexamine our lives. Many changes come with the loss of someone you loved. It can take many months, or longer to adjust to life without that beloved person. One has to recreate your sense of self.

There is no one correct way to grieve. Recently, I've had patients reflect that in a grief group at a local hospital they were told to sit in a chair and do an hour of grieving each day, but that's not what I would generally recommend. I have found that grief is as individual as your thumb print or a snowflake. Many people report that grief comes in waves of 20-30 minutes, and can be triggered by many different things. You need to grieve your way, and have support for doing so.

Many feelings are normal as we grieve: sadness, anger, fear, relief, abandonment, shock, confusion, and emptiness.

What factors impact grief?

• Your relationship with the person you lost

• The suddenness or the expected nature of the loss

• Your temperament

• Your coping skills

• Your support system

• Your faith

• Your loss history and having resolved past grief

The more deeply you were attached to the individual, the greater the loss. When I am working with someone who has lost a baby or a child, that is a huge life-changing kind of loss. A couple can be married for 50 plus years, and depending on the quality of the relationship it could be a much more or less difficult transition. Losing your last or only parent can propel you into being the oldest generation in your family. The end of a friendship or the loss of a cherished pet can be very painful, and unearth other feelings of unresolved loss from earlier in your life. Loss is cumulative.

Grieving is hard work. It can make you feel physically and emotionally drained. When you are grieving, it's important to do extreme self-care and nourish yourself as much as you can. There are tasks of mourning to be done, including feeling the pain of the loss and adapting to your life without that person in it to call or spend time with.

Each individual has a loss history. I usually try to take information about previous loss in the first few sessions in counseling individuals. Your history of loss includes all the moves, break-ups, family divorces, job loss, loss of friends as well as loss by death that you have experienced in your lifetime. Looking at how you have coped with past losses and what was helpful can be a good place to start approaching the current loss you may be experiencing.

What helps people who are grieving?

• Support from friends and family

• Rest

• Eating healthfully

• Getting back into life as you can

• A place or person where you can process your grief

• A growth-oriented mindset

Loss is a part of our lives and while very painful, also allows us to grow and to reflect on our own lives and mortality. Getting good at letting yourself fully grieve allows you to go forward being more open, more loving and with a deeper sense of reverence for the delicate nature of our time here. Understanding how your own loss history informs your life can help you become more fully human and more empathic to others.

When You're Not an Introvert or Extrovert: Meet the Ambivert

In Myers Briggs personality testing, individuals are typed along a continuum from introvert to extrovert. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal (July 28, 2015) by Elizabeth Bernstein introduced a term for the two-thirds of people who are actually towards the middle, calling them ambiverts. There are also recent TEDx talks about how temperament type influences relationships at home and at work. Now we know there are three options on this personality parameter.

Extroverts get energized by being with people. They process their own thoughts as they speak aloud to other people. Extroverts are easy to get to know. They enjoy praise, recognition and awards.

In contrast, true introverts recharge by being by themselves. They can be good with people, but often need time afterwards alone to balance out all the extroversion. They think before they speak and may plan out what they are going to say. Introverts love solitude, which allows them time to internally process their thoughts and feelings.

Ambiverts are well-liked because they are good at both extroversion and introversion. It's like they are bilingual in both modes of being. They can use their intuition to know when to speak and when to listen. These ambivert individuals are moderate; they aren't overly reserved or overly expressive. They are socially flexible.

To help identify if you are an ambivert, consider how you might feel in certain situations. After a busy day at work, what would you want to do after work? Would you rather meet up with friends or go home and unwind by yourself? Ambiverts often split the difference by wanting a little of both. They may want to meet with friends for a bit, then head home for some down time. Ambiverts often choose the middle path, balancing and rebalancing time with people and time alone.

A study published in the Psychological Science journal in June 2013 found ambivert employees at a call center to have better social and emotional flexibility which made them more successful in their work in sales. Adam Grant, a professor of psychology at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania asserts that ambiverts have emotional awareness and flexibility that give them better skills in parenting, marriage and other close relationships.

Ambiverts need to be aware of burnout and boredom which are indicators you may have been stuck too long in the extrovert or introvert mode. It's helpful to be able to look reflectively at situations and know when to withdraw, open up, listen or speak.

Studies suggest that extreme introverts and extreme extroverts make up about one-third of the population, while the remaining two-thirds of us are ambiverts. Knowing your own type on the extroversion scale and being aware of the needs and differences of your partner, your children, your friends and co-workers is useful information to help you flex and understand.

Voice Dialogue: Identifying the Voices in our Heads

Do you realize that we all have inner voices, sometimes known as sub-personalities? Everybody carries around a whole cast of characters. The more aware you can be of your cast, the better your life can become. You don't want one of your unhealthy voices running your life on auto pilot.

Two clinical psychologists in Northern California, Hal Stone, Ph.D., and Sidra Stone, Ph.D., developed the therapeutic technique known as "Voice Dialogue.” The idea is not to get rid of any of the internal voices, but to assist them in growing up and becoming more reasonable. This technique is very helpful for unhooking people from roles they have unconsciously played, not letting your behavior choices be dominated by a voice that's immature or destructive, and begin to familiarize you with some healthier, alternative voices.

This concept reminds me of a wonderful, classic book on clinical hypnosis called, My Voice Will Go with You. I have had a number of patients over the years who told me that they could "hear my voice" as a healthy advocate for them in difficult situations, almost as if they had internalized my voice and took a piece of our work together with them into their life.

The ego, or thinking part of the mind, first develops a Protector/Controller role. This happens when we are small children. Later, more sub personalities emerge, depending on our family relationships and environment. For example, primary selves develop like the Pusher, who makes you finish school or go to work, and the Pleaser, who wants to get along with others and be polite at all costs. The Rulemaker develops and tells us what people should be doing, us included. The Critic imposes expectations for our behavior and performance. The Rebel sub personality wants to defy, and not be restricted by the expectations of others.

The primary sub personalities also have opposite or "disowned" parts that are often not conscious. For example, the Pusher has an opposite, the Relaxer, who takes time off to relax, recharge, and play. People who become far too serious and workaholic can be said to have disowned their Relaxer voice and let the Pusher run wild with their life. Similarly, there is a Procrastinator voice whose opposite is the Proactive self. Some people have a Self-Distrusting voice, and the opposite which can be disowned is the Confident self. There are people who are dominated by their Intellectual voice and disown the Experiencing/Emotional self.

The goal in voice dialogue is to develop your ability to observe your inner selves, including the disowned selves, in a mindful way. This leads to more self-acceptance and more internal peace. You want to recognize when the selves are in conflict. If the voices disagree, it causes distress. Being more aware of the different aspects of self, and even the ability to get the healthier voices to dialogue with the less healthy ones, can really make you feel lighter and happier. You can get unstuck from automatic programming developed early in childhood. The attitudes and beliefs of our earliest caregivers can give us our set points.

Meet some of the rest of your cast:

·         The Critic: Has to be right, steals your self-confidence, likes to argue, can be critical of self or others. The disowned aspect of the Critic is the Compassionate self, who encourages, feels empathy, and is kind to self and others.

·         The Worrier: Likes to make you anxious thinks about "what if?" and fears you won't be able to cope with whatever happens. Its disowned partner is the Equanimity Self, who is confident and self-assured.

·         The Caretaker: Puts everyone else's needs first, can't set any boundaries to protect self, and is scared to disappoint anyone. It's disowned self is the Caregiver, who gives to themself and others, but doesn't take responsibility for other people, can say no without feeling guilty.

·         The Blamer: Likes to shift responsibility to everyone else, the past, and circumstances beyond their control. Fails to notice their own part in any trouble or conflict. The Blamer is not interested in changing any of their own behaviors. The Blamer is often a Rebel self as well, covering up insecurities through attacking others. The alternative is the Accountable self, who is more objective, can see their own part in situations, and sees the other person's part as well.

·         The Victim: Complains about being different, misunderstood, and not appreciated. Some victims really have been through loss, disappointment, or betrayal, but they just can't (or won't) give up that fixed role. There all sorts of fun combos here, as the Victim can join forces with the Critic, the Rebel, or the Blamer for equally unhealthy life scripts. The opposite is the Responsible self, who acknowledges that most people suffer some loss or challenges, but takes responsibility for creating the best life possible, despite difficulties that occur. Amazing things can happen when the Responsible self meets up with the Optimistic self.

·         The Enforcer/The Rulemaker: Rigid, unforgiving, inflexible, and tries to exert control as much as possible, over their own life, and those around them. Enjoys checking for mistakes. Needs rules for everything in order to cope with their fears and insecurities. The flip side self is relaxed, flexible, comfortable with guidelines, but doesn't need rules to feel safe. This is a Flexible/Easy-Going Self.

·         The Rebel: Feels entitled, wants to do things their own way, and can't exercise self-discipline or set limits with themself. The alternate is the Healthy self, which reminds us to act according to our values instead of always what we feel like.

·         The Pessimist: Sees absolutely everything from a negative light, kills the joy in things, ruminates, and predicts doom at all times. The Pessimist is exhausting to be around. Has a hard time trying anything new because they feel it will fail. The Optimist self, in contrast, sees difficulty as a learning curve, and events as short-term, focusing on what action they can take to make a positive difference.

·         The Excusemaker: Justifies, uses excuses, and rationalizes why they take unhealthy or negative actions. The disowned part here is the Responsible self.

By identifying your own internal cast of characters, you can move all the personalities along towards finding a healthy, supportive self who is not run on auto pilot from your childhood or your life experiences.

How Birth Order Shapes Us

Are you an oldest, a middle, a youngest, or an only child? How did your position help form your personality? There are a number of influences in forming our personalities: gender, genetics, temperament, our parents' parenting style and ability to attach, environmental and socioeconomic factors, and birth order. Birth order can help explain how children in the same family can grow up to be so different. Birth order can also be fun to look at with couples, as it can be predictive of conflicts.

What are oldest children like? Oldest children get things done. They can either be "compliant nurturers" or assertive. They tend to be exacting, precise, and particular. They are often achievement-oriented, capable, and successful. Those same traits that cause them to be successful at work can cause conflict at home.

Because first borns are the pilot project for new parents, who are often excited and anxious to get it right, pretty much every first for an oldest is celebrated and important. First borns model themselves after the adults in the family. They tend to be organized, on time, and in control. They can also feel a lot of pressure to succeed and sometimes become a secondary parent to younger siblings.

As a growth opportunity, first children need to be sure not too be overly critical of themselves or others. They need to be positively assertive, but not bossy (where they alienate others). They often need to loosen up a little and learn to relax. It's important for oldest children to learn to give consideration to the thoughts and feelings of others, and not act as if they are always right. These individuals need to watch out for perfectionism. Cultivating flexibility and avoiding rigidity is essential. Patience is a virtue oldest children need to learn to truly be successful with others.

Imagine the fun and the potential conflicts when two oldest children decide to partner or marry. Can you say power struggle?

Only children can be functionally like super-charged first borns. They can grow up to be highly perfectionistic. It's also important in understanding the only child to know how they became an only child. Did the parents want additional children and couldn't have them? Did parents plan to have just one child? These parental factors influence the way an only child grows up.

Middle children tend to get along well with others. Psychologist and birth order researcher Kevin Leman calls middle children "mysterious." Their personality is formed partially in response to how they perceive their older sibling. Middle children can be very well-adjusted, and be peacemakers and mediators. They often turn towards friends for support, and can be highly independent and mentally strong. Middle children need to be encouraged to open up, express their opinions, feelings, and preferences.

What about the baby of the family? Last born children tend to be personable, outgoing, and a bit charming. They can be affectionate, like the limelight, but can alternatively tend to be rebellious, over indulged or manipulative. Parents may be more relaxed or worn out by the time the youngest arrives. The youngest child needs to learn to be responsible, direct, and consider other peoples needs.

The middle and youngest child are always affected by the oldest child in the family and the shadow they cast on the family. If the oldest is impacted by problems or disabilities, we can see a middle or youngest child becoming the acting or functional oldest. Other losses, such as parents losing a child or having a miscarriage, also play into birth order.

There are studies reported in Kevin Leman's excellent The New Birth Order Book (Revell Publishers, 2001) which suggest some predictable patterns with certain birth order matches. While there are modifying factors, having a different birth order from that of your partner is considered an easier or more natural match. When you have two oldests, they may get into power struggles unless one is more aggressive and one is the pleaser type of oldest. Two youngest children may be wildly irresponsible together, including with finances. An oldest and a youngest is a good match. Middles are so well adjusted they could easily have an oldest or youngest partner. Two middles may not communicate that well with each other.

As parents, we also want to consider both order factors. We want to avoid the natural tendency to overly identify with the child that has our same birth order. We want to help first borns learn to ease up on themselves and others. Oldest children need us as parents to help them move towards excellence, but not perfectionism. We can encourage middles to express themselves and help them not get stepped on by siblings. We can help develop the emotional maturity and responsibility of youngest children.

Birth order doesn't change when people remarry or blend families. It can, however, predict where conflict could occur and how to help prevent it.

In counseling individuals, couples, and families, I always ask about birth order and siblings; I'm curious about how it figures into your relationships.

Whether you are a typical or atypical person for your birth order, understanding the role birth order usually plays for individuals and relationships can give you valuable information about understanding yourself and others better.

The Power of Your Mindset

We spend a number of minutes each day picking out what we are going to wear, but there is a far more important accessory we choose each day. It's called our mindset. It influences everything we do. It can hurt us or help us. We can start by identifying our mindset and being aware of how it is influencing our behaviors.

Stanford University psychologist and researcher, Carol Dweck, wrote a classic book on understanding your mindset which includes some elegantly simple ideas that are useful for our daily lives at work and at home. Our mindset may be the most critical factor in creating achievement and success in our lives. The book is called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, How to Learn to Fulfill Our Potential (Ballantine Books, 2006).

There are two essential types of mindsets, fixed and growth. They are the equivalent of entering different worlds. Mindsets are belief systems. Mindsets can be changed if you choose to. You can  have a different mindset on different issues or in different areas of your life.

In a fixed mind-set, your own personal narrative is limited. You judge yourself harshly, with a mistake meaning failure. A fixed mindset make disappointments or rejection seem like all is lost. You can be upset with either mindset, but in the fixed one you can't see hope or the possibility of learning lessons and going on to later success. This mindset tells you there are limits to your intelligence, your career, your relationships and your life. One can operate with confidence from either mindset, but the fixed one makes that confidence brittle and fragile if something doesn't work out.

In contrast, the growth mindset makes a huge difference in how you process disappointment failure and rejection. It believes you can change, grow and learn all your life if you are open to it. A growth-oriented mindset allow you to focus on learning rather than ego investment in being smart.

In parenting children towards a growth mindset, we would want to honor effort and learning new things rather than achievement, grades or awards our children get. A growth mindset doesn't believe you have to easily master new skills without effort, or that you are simply born talented or not. It focuses on learning new things about yourself, others and the world each day. This mindset makes it okay to work diligently at things, experience failure and go forward.

In your romantic partnership a fixed mindset could be thinking that the relationship either makes you happy or it doesn't, and then you will need to break up or divorce. A growth mindset helps you see that your closest relationship gives you the opportunity everyday to learn to become a better communicator, a stronger listener and more loving.

In your business, a growth mindset tells you to learn from everything that happens, and readjust your sails if you're not headed towards the results you want. The fixed mindset will tell you to give up if you run into obstacles.

You can demonstrate either the fixed or growth mindset towards:

• Your marriage
• Your business
• Learning new skills and tasks
• Parenting
• School
• Loss
• Life
• Friendships
• Activities
• Sports
• Hobbies

You will tend to get very different results with one mindset or the other. Change is difficult for most people. A growth mindset won't solve everything, but it will contribute to helping you develop a richer life where you don't live a life that is too small and limiting. Dweck's book is a great introduction to the idea of mindsets, and might be a great starting point for constructive conversations at work and at home. You just might want to challenge yourself and those you care about to shift to the growing side of mindset. For now, consider that mindset as an accessory to be chosen every day, and choose wisely.