Blame

A parent comes in to counseling and complains that their teenager shuts them out,and doesn't respond well when they approach to discuss problems. The parent is convinced that it is 100% the teen's fault they are not close.That's just how teens are,they say.

A married adult comes in blaming their partner for not meeting their needs, the relationship getting stale,and them feeling disengaged. If only their partner was more fit/worked at a better job/ a better conversationalist/more sexual/more fun/etc. They recognize they are no longer "in love", and are passively waiting to see if their partner fixes things enough for them to stay.They get a false sense of power from hanging out in ambivalence.

An adult whines about their job and their boss, but does nothing to try to improve the situation.They badmouth their supervisor and the company, but don't take responsibility for finding solutions,or finding another job or a career that is a better fit.They rationalize that they can't be expected to give much to their family, because they are so stressed out or unhappy with work.


What is the common denominator in each of these scenarios? Each time we have a person stuck playing the blame game,and assigning 100% of the blame to the OTHER person.It is almost impossible to move a situation forward in a constructive way or improve a relationship when people are stuck in blame.It prevents people from considering some key things:

~What could I do differently?

~How am I contributing to this problem with my attitude and my behavior?

~Can I put aside my ego and ASK for honest feedback on what I can do better with my teenager,my marriage,or my job?

~If I get feedback, can I listen with my heart,and not dismiss the feedback to protect my pride?

~Is it a comfortable bad habit for me to project my insecurities,frustrations,and dissatisfactions on a person,relationship, or job?

~ What AM I DOING that undermines this marriage,relationship,or job? Do I use poor timing or approach in talking with my teenager about problems? Am I undermining my own marriage by texting past or potential partners,or doing other disloyal,secretive behavior? Do I do nurturing,loving actions and behaviors for my partner that make them feel important,cherished,and valued?Do I put in poor quality work at my job and justify it somehow?

I know I have an emotionally mature person to work with when they can look past blame, and introspect with an open heart about what they contribute to any situation non-defensively.Every relationship has a dance, and by changing your own dance steps you redefine the dance.It's been said that in relationships each person may wish to get the other person to change, but we need to grow to realize that we can only change ourselves. The best relationship improvements come when each are open-minded,not rigid,and own our own baggage.This is the stuff great relationships and great lives are made of.

Communicating Effectively With Your Teenager

When people plan to have a child, most picture a sweet little baby who fills your heart with love. Most people aren't prepared for the teenager they become a decade or so later. If we knew in advance that they would be moody, or push the limits, or talk back, would we cancel our order?

To be a good enough parent of a teenager, it helps if you can recall how it felt when you were a teen yourself. It's a tough in-between age, where you are no longer a child, but you don't yet have the freedoms of being an adult. Can you remember feeling really self-conscious about your changing body, and the current state of your complexion? Teens worry about whether they have enough or the right friends,rejection,popularity,getting a boy/girlfriend,grades,getting into college, growing up, and about handling the future. That's quite a lot to worry about. Many teens also worry about family problems more than parents realize---a parents' drinking,arguing and unhappiness between parents,financial stress,illness,divorce,parents' dating and affairs, and more. Perhaps you can connect with the things you worried about in your family when you were growing up.

To communicate effectively with your teen, the adult needs to see past moodiness or difficult attitudes, and remain loving and kind. The adult needs to show the maturity not to be reactive and hostile back. It is important to build on your teens' strengths, take an interest in their activities and friends, and actively listen more than you talk. The adult needs to take the lead in setting a warm, friendly tone at home. Smile. Greet them. Welcome their friends gathering at your house. Set reasonable limits, and enforce them consistently. Teach and empower them to learn to do as much for themselves as they can, knowing this will help them feel more capable.(Think part-time or summer job,learning to do their own laundry,and how to cook basic meals.)Be interested in their future dreams, and help them work towards them.

If you are a step-parent, you need to try even harder. You don't have the built-in biological advantage, and there is all of that horrible "step-parent as ogre" imagery in the Disney classics. Be nice and be loving, and don't be petty or critical. Let the biological parent, your spouse, be the heavy and provide the discipline as needed. You just love them up, and provide support and encouragement.

Here are some other tips from Active Parenting of Teens. Avoid these common communication breakdowns:

*commanding, ordering, directing
*giving advice
*placating
*interrogating
*distracting/storytelling about yourself
*interpreting/analyzing/psychologizing
*sarcasm
*moralizing
*know-it-all
*judging/criticizing/blaming
*name-calling,ridiculing,shaming
*withdrawing/ignoring
*threatening

All of the above behaviors will make your teen shut down and give up on you. Don't push the teen you love, and live with, away. Open up the communication by being a beneficial presence in their lives. If you want them to trust you and open up to you, you will need to earn it by demonstrating love, optimism, hope, and belief in your teen even at the hardest times. That sweet,vulnerable child is still in there, just struggling to make their way through the turbulent teenage years. You will be so glad later that you didn't give up, and hung in there to go the distance until your teen makes it safely into adulthood.