Beware of the charm and the flattery. Both are warning signs of the charisma
of a sociopath. I always wish I could warn young people before they begin
dating. You might be young, insecure and lacking confidence in yourself,
but don't mistake the charisma of a sociopath for true confidence. Through
counseling a number of bewildered adults through trying to repair their lives
after surviving having a parent, or a marriage or relationship with a
sociopath, I have developed a lending library of books to help the wounded
partner try to make sense of what's happened.
One excellent book to start with is
The
Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout, Ph.D. (Broadway Books, 2005). Stout is
a Harvard psychologist who clears up the misconception that all sociopaths are
violent criminals. They are not. In fact, Stout estimates that 4 in every 100
people, or 1 in every 25 people, fit the criteria for sociopathy. These
individuals seldom seek counseling or professional help. Most often it's the
people around and closest to the sociopath that are likely to come for
counseling to try to heal from the trauma they have experienced.
Stout describes sociopaths as "ice people" who really aren't
capable of loving or empathizing with others. This dynamic really confounds
people who are in the majority who can do both of those things. It's been
called various names, including psychopathy, sociopathy, guiltlessness
disorder, missing conscience, and/or antisocial personality
disorder. According to the DSMIV, the current bible of psychiatric
diagnoses, people with antisocial personality disorder have to have at least 3
of these 7 criteria met:
1.
Failure to conform to social norms
2.
Deceitfulness or manipulative
3.
Impulsivity, failure to plan ahead
4.
Irritability, aggressiveness
5.
Reckless disregard for the safety of self and others
6.
Consistent irresponsibility
7.
Lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or
stolen from another person
Researchers also note the tendency of sociopaths to crave greater than
normal stimulation, which creates more risk-taking. Many sociopaths began to
have legal issues as teens with breaking rules. Their emotions run
hollow. Many sociopaths are not violent and are not in prison. They may,
however, be wreaking havoc on the lives of people who are in relationships with
them or work with them. Sociopaths have no conscience, so it's like the normal
rules don't apply to them. They may appear spontaneous, exciting, interesting,
and charismatic, but they can be very dangerous to your safety, your
self-esteem, your bank account, and your heart.
Both Stout and I have seen too many people hurt by sociopaths and helped
them begin the journey to heal from the trauma that was caused. It's important
for the public to be educated and aware that such people exist, and what some
of the characteristic behaviors are.
In her book, Stout does a good job of discussing the nature vs. nurture
debate about the possible causes of sociopathy. It's probably some of each.
Identical twin studies have shown a heredity factor. No one can tell you
exactly how a sociopath is created, but it's interesting to see the cultural
differences in the incidence of sociopaths, which is more common in cultures
which highly value individuality. In the United States, the incidence level of
sociopathy appears to be on the rise.
Sociopaths want to win at any cost. They can marry for money or power. They
can act attached, but it is not genuine. Some wish to have others feel sorry
for them, see themselves as victims, and can be lazy while taking gross
advantage of those closest to them.
In contrast, narcissists are somewhat different. Narcissists can't empathize
with others, but they do have a conscience, and they can feel guilt.
Narcissists can be in pain about the poor quality of their relationships
because of their lack of empathy, and can enter therapy to address this pain.
True sociopaths would usually only go to therapy if court-ordered.
Sociopaths feel little beyond the basics of pleasure and pain, aggression,
boredom, frustration, or anger. Sociopaths don't care about other
people and they don't marry for love. See how dangerous they are, and how the
unsuspecting person can get caught up in their web?
There are lots of religious, ethical, and moral implications of people not
having a conscience. Stout does an excellent job of discussing these
implications.
Mostly,
The Sociopath Next Door is
a wake-up call for people to be aware that sociopaths do exist, are more common
that you might have imagined, and are not likely to change. It is incredibly
helpful for people who have been traumatized by the damage of a sociopath to
understand the disorder, and educate themselves in order to heal and move on
with their lives. If the book helps increase public awareness so that people
can avoid a sociopath, that's a really good outcome, too.
