When You Don't Get What You Want

Character is shaped and defined in the times in our lives when we don't get what we want. Part of being human is dealing with loss and disappointment. Whether you don't get in to the college of your choice, or your spouse dies prematurely, or your plans don't work out for a job, grad school, a relationship, loss is a part of our lives. There is usually no way to avoid it. All risks- including good ones, involve the potential of it not working out.

Learning how to feel and express the pain of the loss, including the sadness, anger, hurt, confusion and disappointment is healthy. Later, learning how to process the loss and grow through what happens is key to growing emotionally.

Have you ever noticed the differences in people you know who have survived and thrived despite difficulty and loss?

There are some qualities I really like that people are more likely to develop if they run into some setbacks and loss in their lives. These include being grateful rather than entitled, compassion for others, resiliency and developing perspective about what's really important. These are the unexpected gifts of working through not getting what you want.

When we can learn to stop blaming others, we grow.

When we learn to accept disappointment, work through the feelings and redirect our course and go on, we become resilient and inspire others.

When we understand loss, we develop a reverence for how fragile our lives are and appreciative for the people who truly matter.

When we realize that it is things not working out that can shapes our character, we can be made gentler and more tenderized by our experiences. We can become more sensitive to the struggles of others.

Loss, disappointment and not getting what we want are all teachers if we receive the lessons. Poet and philosopher Mark Nepo writes in his book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen (Simon and Schuster, 2012) that, "Sooner or later, everyone will face not getting what they want. How we respond to this unavoidable moment determines how much peace or agitation we will have in our lives. This is the moment that opens all others, for our acceptance of things as they are and not as would have them allows us to find our place in the stream of life. Free of our entitlements, we can discover that we are small fish in the stream and go about finding the current."

Not getting what you want? That makes you normal, and possibly better, if you let it.

Emotional Maturity: Growing Up on the Inside

Aging happens to all of us who happen to live into adulthood, but emotional maturity is optional. What are the signs of emotional maturity? Here's a checklist of some of the things emotionally mature people need to master:

1.You don't pout.

2.You are direct with others.

3.You recognize that other people are allowed to have different wants, needs, and feelings than you do.

4.You handle conflict like a grown up, calmly, and respectfully.

5. You are responsible with your money.

6.You don't throw tirades or temper tantrums. You are not a bully.

7.You don't blame other people.

8.You take responsibility for making your own life meaningful and developing a purpose.

9.You listen to others from your heart, not just expect others to listen to you.

10.You take responsibility for your own health, both mental and physical. You have an exercise and food plan.

11. You can set limits and boundaries with others.

12.You take responsibility for your own emotions- sadness, anger, frustration, boredom, irritability.

13.You don't threaten or manipulate others to get your own way.

14.You don't use alcohol or drugs in order to cope or numb your feelings.

15.You set meaningful goals and work towards them.

16. You see your own part in things, and have a willingness to change what you are doing if it's needed.

17.You demonstrate values and flexibility.

18.You keep your expectations reasonable. You don't expect others to read your mind.

19.You are willing to negotiate so that both you and others get what you want and need.

20.You realize you are not more important than other people. You have compassion for others.

21.You experience and express gratefulness frequently.

22. You don't take things too personally. Often, it's not personal.

23.You operate from a place of integrity.

24.You understand there is usually another side of the story.

25.You can express affection, and open up and be vulnerable when it's safe and appropriate to do so.

26.You can forgive.

27.You can and do encourage others.

28.You don't complain and gossip to a third party.

29.You are impeccable with your word. You follow through as promised.

30.You don't spend time worrying about what other people think about you.

These are some of the signs I look for in people to demonstrate emotional maturity. We don't have to be perfect, but striving continually to operate from a mature position is a wonderful place to come from. Emotional maturity is a beautiful thing at any age, and it grows only more valuable over time.

Giving up the Blame Game

Blaming others for your circumstances never works. It makes you more of a victim. It puts you into a passive, helpless mind frame. It's not a mentally healthy neighborhood to hang out in. It's negative, and it keeps you stuck and powerless to improve things.

You can hear people blaming all around you. Like these statements:

"I'm all stressed out because of my boss."

"My teenagers drive me crazy."

"My marriage is bad because my (wife, husband) does (x, y, z)."

"I've always had bad self-esteem because of my childhood."

"I can't control my anger because people upset me."

"My health is bad because of my genetics."

"I can't save any money because of my kids."

The truth is that there are givens for all of us----your partner, your genetics, your personality, your earning power, but there is another huge untapped influence for most of us also. That powerful influence is our thoughts and our behavior choices.

Diabetes might run in your family, but you can get great information on how to lower your risk with diet and exercise and work on that plan every day.

You might get hot-headed with anger, and come from a family of bad anger role-models, but you personally get to choose learning some better skills, and using them. To do less than this is to choose the easy way out and stay in your comfort zone of unskilled behavior.

Mentally healthy people take some authority over their own thoughts. They realize that negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts and behaviors. What we think about truly expands to fill the space available inside us. Weeding out your own negative, maladaptive thoughts is each person's responsibility. A good therapist can teach you how to scale back those distorted negative thoughts in a couple sessions. Everyone needs to "take out their own trash," meaning manage their own thoughts.

How do I know that this is possible? I have had the privilege of working in counseling with individuals who have overcome incredible odds, including abusive parents, poverty, multiple significant losses, and the betrayal of others, and yet adjust their thinking to have their experiences make them softer, gentler, and more full of loving kindness for themselves and others. They go onto full and emotionally rich lives after amazing hardship, and it deepens their appreciation for the goodness and light in life.

To move past blaming others puts you in a better position to take back your own power over your own life, both your present and your future. When we abdicate responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, we are stuck in a bad neighborhood called helplessness.

When we take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, and our part in making any situation or relationship better, that's when better things can happen in our present and future. Owning our own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors is a hallmark of emotional maturity.
When stressed, the mature person exercises more and sorts out their negative thoughts and feelings that keep them churned up. The mature person realizes that part of not being stressed out is showing humor and flexibility, and doing good self-care. Dealing with your own stress, rather than taking it out on others, is essentially a choice.

You can choose to make blame unnecessary in your life, because as you take responsibility for where you are now in your life, and where you want to go, blame becomes irrelevant. What really matters as time passes is enjoying moments with those you love and doing things you are passionate about. Both of those things are so much more fun than blaming.