The Importance of Play

Over the last 50 years, children have lost a great deal of their free time for self-directed play and free time. Psychology researcher Peter Gray from Boston College has studied this cultural shift in the U.S., and is an advocate for the benefits of play. Gray has written, "Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life".

I can remember spending many summers swimming, playing with my neighborhood friends, and riding my bike until dark. Those are some of my fondest memories. In the 1960's, most American neighborhoods were full of children outside, engaged happily playing. Over the last 50 years, fewer children are outside, and more parents have children involved in structured after school activities, sports, and lessons.

The school day and school year is longer. Homework is more intense, even in the very early grades. There is pressure on children and teens to build their resumes, rather than "waste" time with friends.

Many parents are fearful about having children play in the neighborhood. Safety concerns have trumped the need for free play. Most American children have lost the chance to play at something creative that doesn't involve adults or uniforms.

Play, according to Gray's research, is a biological and evolutionary need. Most animals play as babies. They learn about the world this way, as well as develop muscle strength and agility, social skills, and risk taking ability.

Virtually all cultures have their young learn and develop through play.

Gray has identified higher levels of anxiety and depression in children who don't get enough free play. I have a number of children I've seen for child counseling who long for more unstructured free time. Children and teens can get stressed. They need to relax with play frequently for optimum mental health.

Parents need to not over plan and over schedule. While some structure is good for children, such as bedtime and meal times, too much structure is overkill. Remember that for most children, the amount of time they have during the school day to free play--- recesses and lunch--- have been cut way back from what we experienced growing up.

Adults also need to play. Having a hobby that you can lose yourself in is good for us. There is a natural, hypnotic state that our mind goes to when we are playing with gardening, art, hiking, baking, or any other activity we love.

I like to see couples cultivate joint play activities into their relationship also. It's important for couples and families to play together. With couples, playing together elevated the relationship from all business and task-sharing, and helps you associate your partner with play and joy.

When I am counseling families who are healing from loss or trauma, I often want them to begin to play again. This signals to the children that life is not over, and that there will be happier times ahead, despite the death of a family member or the loss of divorce.

Play needs to be taken more seriously. Summer is a perfect time to start building some free time for play in your life, and seeing that the young people in your life get time to create self-directed play as well. Play helps us be happier, more relaxed, self-directed, and less moody. Let's play!

The Eight Habits of Love

We all have our daily habits: what we eat for breakfast or lunch, the route we drive to work, what programs we watch on television, and a thousand other little repeated patterns. What if we cultivated emotional and spiritual habits that made our lives warmer, bigger, and more transcendent?

In Ed Bacon's new book, The Eight Habits of Love: Open Your Heart, Open Your Mind (Hachette Book Group, 2012) he gives illumination and insight about how we can grow these emotional habits in our day to day lives. Ed Bacon serves as rector at All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, California, and is known for his radically inclusive views about building interfaith community between Christians, Jews, Muslims, and atheists. Ed has received awards his peace and interfaith work in Southern California.

What are the 8 habits of love?

1.      The habit of generosity: Overcoming fear to live daily with the spiritual practice of an open and generous heart. This means knowing that love flows through you, generously, to others. This includes not only giving money to less fortunate people, but also time, emotional and spiritual support, and encouragement. You can make a practice of lifting others up. Giving time and attention to others only enhances your own life.

2.      The habit of stillness: Learn to quiet your body and your mind. This quiet space within us is where we plan, get inspiration, strategize, dream, and self-nurture. There are many roads to this inner stillness. Look for yours. You might start with 10 minutes a day.

3.      The habit of truth: This involves developing the courage to go against what is expected of you by others at times. Choosing your truth, rather than self-deception or the deception of others, takes daily practice. Telling the truth is both frightening and refreshing. Bacon says, “Truth leads us to a more honest and vital life.”

4.      The habit of candor: Using both tenderness and tact, candor helps us have difficult and important conversations with those we care about. We don't avoid in fear; we move towards the other person in love and candor. The habit of candor is one of the hardest habits to practice, because it involves risk. Candor is not a power grab. I notice the healing, transcendent power of honest, candid, heart-centered conversations in my counseling office on a regular basis. Couples often do not say the things they need to be saying to each other. When those difficult conversations begin in a safe way, transformation can begin between two people.

5.      The habit of play: Bacon reminds us that play and laughter change our brain chemistry. Play activates our imagination, creativity, and joy. Spending time with a child always helps me remember how vital play is. It relaxes and refreshes us. Play and lightness renew us, and are the perfect foil for dealing with life's challenges. Bacon suggests when you have made an error, acknowledge it with humor, poking fun at yourself. Invite play into your work, the things you do at home, your time with your partner, your family, and your friends.

6.      The habit of forgiveness: When you can, forgiving someone who has wronged you releases a powerful, loving energy. When we hold onto wrongs, we hold tension, anger, resentment, and hurt. You don't even have to reconnect with the person that hurt you in order to forgive. Forgiveness brings self-healing and self-empowerment. In his book, Bacon tells a heart-warming story about Nelson Mandela establishing the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa after the end of apartheid. Those who acknowledged guilt to those they harmed weren't punished. Forgiveness, and moving past blame, moves individuals, families, and communities forward towards healing.

7.      The habit of compassion: Most religions are founded on it. The challenge is in trying to stretch the edges of your compassion to all living beings. Try not to dehumanize any group of people. In categorizing others, Bacon suggests, we cut ourselves off from the foundation of our own humanity. If you did not receive compassion growing up in your family, you may need to look outside the family to experience the compassion for yourself and others that is your birthright.

8.      The habit of community: It's not good for us to get too isolated. A shift in our awareness can help us realize that we need each other. Connecting with the people whose lives intersect with ours is practicing building community. Look for your community. Developing a sense of belonging in community is good for our mental and physical health. Whether you apply community by interacting kindly with counter staff or others you see at the gym, at work, or next door, or look for a group of like-minded people in the larger community, it makes a difference, both for you and for others. Respecting differences within the community is essential.

The Eight Habits of Love is a thoughtfully written reflection on ways to begin moving forward in your life in an open-hearted way. We will make mistakes, but stretching ourselves to live with a more generous spirit, playfulness, bravery, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, and community will help us to make our lives well-lived. Now that's success.

Shifting Gears from Work to Play

As fall gets rolling, schedules are getting busier, school is back in session, and we are considering what we are going to accomplish this fall, at work and at home. This week, I encourage you to deepen your connection to those you love through making conscious transitions between work and play.

How and when do you connect with yourself and loved ones? Many people come home from work at 5:00 grumpy. Changing clothes right away, or showering right when you arrive home, can help set the stage for changing gears. Try to check in with yourself about what you most need at early evening. Reconnecting with your senses, by eating a crunchy apple, changing into your softest jeans and sweater,or going for a brisk walk or bike ride, can help you move out of your head and back into your body.

We need boundaries between work hours and downtime. If you work outside the home, try to leave unfinished work there. If you work from home, set and keep work hours and turn off work at the appointed time. Do your best not to fuse work into your personal time by turning off your computer and resisting the impuse to check work messages and e-mail on evenings and weekends. Be a boundary role-model for your work friends. Tell yourself 'STOP' when work thoughts come up on non-work time. Train yourself not to talk about work on off hours.

Exercise can help you get some fresh perspective and dissolve the tensions of the day. It can give you private time to process leftover thoughts from work and mentally 'take out the trash' before you spend time with loved ones. I have counseled several couples who improved the quality of their relationship by exercising after work BEFORE they meet up.

End your day with your easiest tasks. Use the last 30 minutes of your day to make copies, return phone calls or e-mail, or make a to do list for the next day. That will help you know where to pick things up on your next work day.

Make plans to meet up with friends or family after work. It will help you keep a tighter boundary at the end of the day. Reconnecting with small children at the end of the day by joining their play is a way to join their world, rather than expecting them to join yours. Most children and teens won't give you much if you ask a flat 'how was school?' If you can track other things they told you about their day and ask specifics, like,'how did the math test go you were worried about?',you will get deeper and be less rote.

If you are part of a couple, it may be fun to try this exercise. Make 3 columns on a piece of paper. In one column, write down how the two of you played together when you were dating. In the second, list how you have fun and play together now. In the third column, what you would like to do for play together in the future. Have your partner do this exercise, too, and you can compare lists and discover and rediscover a whole lot of good ideas for increasing the fun in your relationship this fall. Don't be shocked if your current list of fun things you do togrther is shorter than the two others. I often find that with couples who are busy raising their families. It just means it is time to refocus an having more fun with your partner, because, eventually, it is the two of you again when the kids go to college.

Teens can be a challenge in the family fun department, but keep trying. A live music performance or concert, a roadtrip, a movie and Starbucks outing, laser tag, or a meal out might all be fun ways to connect. Let them include a friend at times.

This week, remember fun is important for switching gears, reconnecting with yourself, your partner, and your family. When all is said and done, we will never regret not working more.