Life Itself: The Life of Roger Ebert

Pulitzer Prize winning film critic Roger Ebert died last year at age 70, but just last week filmmaker Steve James released his new documentary about Ebert's life called Life Itself. The film was executive produced by Martin Scorsese, who is interviewed in the documentary, as well as Chaz Ebert, Marlene Iglitzen Siskel and other friends, producers, writers and directors. It's a meaningful but poignant film, based on the book of the same title. It's well worth seeing and discussing.

In Life Itself, Ebert notes that what he loves about film is it's ability to help us all learn empathy for other people: people in other places and circumstances than ourselves.

Ebert fought for years with his frenemy, Chicago Tribune film critic Gene Siskel. Together they hosted the movie review television shows Sneak Previews and Siskel and Ebert at the Movies. Their egos clashed. They were quite different, they fought for screen time and often bickered endlessly as they taped their shows. Siskel died after surgery from brain cancer in 1999 at age 53, and never told Ebert he was terminally ill or said goodbye.

Ebert's biggest battle was against thyroid and jaw cancer, which required multiple surgeries and left him unable to speak, eat or drink. It was a long journey, and his wife Chaz who he married at age 50 was with him every step of the way. Her family embraced him, despite their differences. (She's black, he was white). They met at AA. They loved each other dearly and she was his advocate and caregiver throughout his illness.

After Ebert won the Pulitzer at the Chicago Sun Times, he received offers to move to newspapers in Washington D.C., Los Angeles and New York. He turned them all down to stay in his hometown. The movie is a kind of love story to Chicago, with some beautiful photography of the city, and snippets about what he loved about his city.

Partially due to what he experienced with the secrecy Gene Siskel's death, Ebert decided to be open and disclose his stuggle with cancer. He still appeared in public even after his disfiguring facial surgery. He was brave and open with his journey. In the movie, he even allowed the director to film him being suctioned by nurses. When they started the movie, Ebert and the director didn't realize that Ebert was in the last few months of his life.

One of the most profound lessons from Ebert's life was the way he adapted to the changes that came with his cancer. He intended to return to television, but when it became impossible he embraced blogging on his website, and blogged until the day before he died. He loved to write. Continuing to write and review films helped keep him alive longer. He realized communicating with the public was still possible. His last blog entry was called, "A Leave of Presence". He was grateful for a great and interesting life.

Director Steve James does a fine, insightful portrait of Ebert, often developed through email exchanges between the film critic and the director about his life, his parents, his career, his foibles. and his personal life. There are a number of important lessons in his life about courage, getting past ego, openness in the face of life threatening illness, adapting to health changes, finding true love late in life, and being loyal to your hometown.

Thumbs up for the brave Roger Ebert, and the film Life Itself. Sometimes it's the things that we don't expect in life, and how we choose to respond to them, that define us.

About Time: Appreciating the Little Things

This past weekend, I saw Richard Curtis' new film, "About Time." It's an interesting mix of a  heart-warming love story and a father-son tale, with a dash of science fiction thrown in. Curtis also directed "Love Actually" and "Four Weddings and a Funeral," and this film has the same witty, warm dialogue. The humor helps the dialogue feel more real.

Wouldn't it be great if you could rewind the action in your life at times and do a do-over? In this film, they can, as the charming Bill Nighy teaches his adult son, Domhnall Gleeson, about the unique ability men in their family inherit to time travel back across their own lifetime. Gleeson uses this ability to get a girlfriend, played by Rachel McAdams. Gleeson seems an unlikely leading man, which I found refreshing and endearing. Gleeson can make improvements all along the way in his courtship with McAdams, and the results are enjoyable to watch. Say something dumb as you first meet your beloved? Just take it from the top, and do it again with more confidence and style.

There is a beautiful storyline about the relationship between father and son, including reliving special moments together when they would take walks on the beach and skip stones into the water. Nighy is sprightly, funny, and insightful as he shares his views about the secrets of happiness in life. His combination of humor and authenticity is very effective. You are fortunate, he tells his son, if you find a partner to love for your life who is kind and has a good heart.

There are many sweet and poignant moments in the film, and several enduring themes. It is so important to appreciate the little sweet moments of ordinary days. Living each day as if it might be your last instructs us not to miss the loveliness of a kiss goodbye, a hug hello, or time shared with those we love. We are temporary travelers here, and this lovely little film reminds us of this fact.  It really is about time, because we have a limited number of days, and we want to make them count. Take some kleenex, and enjoy this sweet reminder about what's REALLY important.

Trouble with the Curve (Movie Review)

The newly released movie, "Trouble with the Curve," stars Amy Adams, Justin Timberlake, and Clint Eastwood, and it's well worth seeing. Essentially, it's a baseball movie, about an old scout for the Atlanta Braves (Eastwood). He's got some serious issues with his declining health as he nears retirement age. He's being pushed out of his job by all the generation X scouts who use computers to find prospects. Eastwood identifies prospects the old-fashioned way, by sight and even by sound.

The aging baseball scout is widowed, and has a distant and conflicted relationship with his only daughter (Adams).While Eastwood's character is a bit too curmudgeon-like for my taste, it's still a heart-warming story about estranged family relationships, differences in perspective, and the capacity of the human heart to heal relationships, even late in the game.

Amy Adams is genuine, and shows depth of character as an attorney trying to make partner in a male-dominated law firm. Her adult life has been, in large part, a reaction to her childhood wounds. She's been through a great deal of loss, including the early death of her mother, and an absent father. She's admirable in her willingness to dig deep and recognize how she has kept herself guarded and emotionally unavailable as an adult because she holds on to the legacy about loss and abandonment she experienced as a child.

Justin Timberlake is delightful and just the right touch of funny and challenging to both the leads. He is another scout trying to transition his career after blowing out his arm as a pitcher in the majors.

"Trouble with the Curve" works on several levels. It's a touching film about the love of baseball and the human element in the game. It's also a great metaphor for looking at how we each deal with the unexpected curve balls we are thrown in life. In this movie, the curve balls are losses in career and family, aging, disappointment, health changes, and unexpected chances at loving someone again. In life, we all get thrown curve balls. Many things happen to each of us that we never expected, some of them good, and some of them heartbreaking.

"Trouble with the Curve" is a good reminder that choosing to be flexible, resilient, and have your heart made gentler and softer by the unexpected is an excellent choice. You can learn to adapt to life's curve balls, rather than let them take you out of the game. Curve balls, it turns out, are both a part of baseball and a part of life. Adapting well and keeping your heart vulnerable and your defenses down gives you the best chance at batting 300 in life.

Hope Springs: Don't Ignore Your Partner

I had the pleasure of seeing the new film Hope Springs recently. I saw it with the perfect audience for this film, lots of bright seniors at a late afternoon matinee in Santa Barbara, California. They laughed continuously at all the truths packed in that movie about long-time committed relationships, and what happens if nobody's paying attention to the relationship. Basically, continental drift has occurred between the movie's lead characters, Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones.  Meryl is desperately unhappy and enrolls them in week-long intensive couples’ counseling a few states away with therapist Steve Carrell. What follows is funny, true, and touching.

I won't spoil the ending for you, but I thought I'd highlight a few of the universal relationship principles the movie explores. Here are some:

1.      Don't ignore your partner. They are not a potted plant. They are a living, breathing person that needs to have your attention, love, and listening ear.

2.      When couples drift apart, there is often (although not always) a part of that distance that each partner contributed to.

3.      In relationships, you sometimes need to decide if you want to be right, or you want to be happy. Choose peace if and when you can.

4.      Physical intimacy is like glue that contributes to a couple being closer. We all need to touch and be touched. We need to be open-minded and expressive about what we want, and how we like to be touched and courted, even by a long-term partner. Don't assume you know what your partner wants. Ask them! People usually change and evolve over time. Try to keep the intimacy thread going.

5.      Couples need some of their own activities, identity, and time apart. It's refreshing, and when you get back together you have more to bring to each other. Couples who are always together can emotionally suffocate each other.

6.      Take warning if your partner is very unhappy. The worst kind of loneliness can occur when you are in a relationship and yet feel the other person doesn't truly try to understand you or meet your needs. A number of my patients have told me over the years that they find this worse than being alone. Don't ignore this red flag and then act surprised when your beloved departs.

7.      Express appreciation that you feel for your partner. Nobody I know likes to be taken for granted.

8.      We're not getting any younger. Don't miss opportunities to join your partner in some fun activity or snuggle together. You really don't want to regret later that you didn't lean fully into your relationship.

9.      Fight for the best relationship you can have with each other. Be open to reading something new, or seeing a couples’ therapist together to have them help you break the impasse and get things going in the right direction. Tommy Lee Jones is not a happy camper about Meryl dragging him into doing couples’ counseling, but he is a better, more open man from the work they do with therapist Steve Carrell. I compare opening up in counseling being like the bear that gets a thorn stuck in his paw, and it is sore, but the bear's afraid to go to the thorn removing expert. The bear has to go through the hurt of the thorn coming out in order to heal. So do people.

10.  Don't give up easily. It's amazing the transformations I've seen in couples in relatively a short time as I have worked with them these last 20 years. Couples can go through tremendous disconnection and come back through it to a new renaissance in their relationship. Even when couples can't find their way back to each other, as sometimes happens, I think there is some peace of mind in knowing you did everything in your power to try to grow through the pain.

11.  Don't be an old grump. Remember Dr. Phil's classic line, "How much fun are YOU to live with?"

12.  Separate bedrooms are usually not a good idea. If you snore so that it disturbs your partner, be a responsible partner and see you doctor to determine if you need a sleep study to check for sleep apnea.

13.  Don't be like a memory foam pillow, and hold on to every dent. Try your best to work through things and then let them go.

14.  Don't give lousy, practical gifts to your partner, like appliances. Not romantic. At all. Ever. Am I clear on this one? Nothing says I've given up like lousy gifts, or forgetting anniversaries.

15.  Change things up a little from time to time. It will help keep things fresh.

Hope Springs? It's a good one to see. Meryl Streep was terrific, as usual. Tommy Lee Jones' character strikes a balance between angry and hurt. Steve Carrell made a pretty good therapist- sincere and direct. (Except, with Steve, I kept waiting for his sense of humor to pop out, but he plays this one straight.) It's interesting to watch the way the device of showing the couples’ therapy sessions, and the homework assignments they struggle with, move the development of the characters and their relationship forward.