The Opposite of Spoiled

Raising children in an affluent area like Orange County, California has its unique challenges. For example, if you have a nanny when the children are little, when is it time for the children to make their own beds and clean up after themselves? If we are going to launch great young adults they need life skills and independence, not helplessness and entitlement. How can you raise responsible, kind and capable young adults even when they come from an advantaged family? A recently published book by Ron Lieber targets this concern in The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money, (Harper, 2015).

Many parents feel that they want to do more for their offspring than their parents did for them, but also don't want their children to become spoiled. What is the opposite of spoiled? Perhaps it's raising children who are appreciative, grateful, and unselfish?

Children and teens often envy and want the things they see friends having, as well as things on social media and television. Lieber takes the stance that parents need to have conversations with their children and teens, throughout growing up, about responsible and irresponsible choices with money.
Children need to giving financial education at appropriate ages about saving, credit, limits and wastefulness.

Lieber's book made me think about parents I am working with who are making decisions about the first car their 16 year-old will drive, and what portion of the cost of the car, gas, and insurance the young person will pay. Even if parents can afford a fancier car, maybe the best decision involves helping to teach your teen about money and earning things. Maybe a safe used car sends a better message.

Lieber has some good advice on how to answer questions about money, like "How much do you earn?". He has a fun 'hours of fun' metric that he recommends parents introduce kids to before they are purchasing items. For example, how many hours of fun might you get from this bike versus this phone. Lieber has his suggestions on how to teach children to save, spend and give parts of their allowance. They have to learn from making some of their own mistakes, Lieber cautions.

Volunteering with your child or teen is another great way to introduce conversations with them about money, values, and service. While my youngest daughter went to a private, religious high school with plenty of advantaged teens, we had some good Saturday mornings volunteering for a local food pantry together.

The books assumes a degree of privilege in the family, so it's not a book geared at every family. However if you are raising children in an affluent area, this book is full of good ideas on teaching children about being wise with money, saving, being generous with others who are less fortunate and making good decisions. Conversations about money are also conversations about our values.
Why would we let social media or the Kardashians have a bigger say about what's important than we do? It's time to start talking with our children about money as it's a part of preparing them to launch successfully into adult life and be grounded.

Teaching Children Virtues

Parents of school-aged children get busy, and sometimes focus on their children's negative behaviors. It's important to know that as a parent, you have the power to create teachable moments to introduce your children to developing positive character traits that will serve them well all their lives. Parents don't have to take a passive role, feeling frustrated with the values in movies, society and media that impact their children and teens. Instead, you and your partner can be the choreographers in teaching your children to be virtuous.

Grandparents, aunts and uncles can also make valuable contributions by teaching positive character traits, and discussing them with the young people whose lives you touch.

To get started, you will need to make a list of the character virtues that you admire in people. Here are some to consider, but you can develop a list of your own personal favorites:

Humility/Modesty

Gentleness

Self-control

Patience

Kindness 

Compassion

Self-discipline

Productiveness

Tenacity/ Perseverance

Courage

Integrity

Honesty

Self-care

Independence

Creativity

Resourcefulness

Open-mindedness

Love of learning

Justice

Personal leadership

Forgiveness

Gratitude

Playfulness

Teamwork

Spirituality

Cultivating joy/happiness

Appreciation of beauty

Social responsibility/service

Humanity (caring for others)

You might begin by choosing which trait you want to focus on with the young person/people in your life for the next month. I generally encourage parents to begin with the virtue you believe your children are most needing for their development. For example, if your children argue with each other and annoy each other, you may want to begin with focusing on teamwork.

If you hold weekly family meetings, as I encourage all the families I work with in family counseling to do, the meeting is a great time to introduce this month's virtue. You can have one of the children make a poster to hang up in the kitchen about that value, and have each family member add examples that they see at the next family meeting.

Make a plan for how you can teach the value of each trait. You can discuss it, help the child make an art project/collage demonstrating it, do some volunteer work together to experience it, or go on an outing together to explore it. You can look for examples of a particular character trait in the news or within the people you each know and talk about it. Asking children to watch for an example that they see among their friends of a particular virtue is fun and engages them. If you are teaching about service, perhaps you can do some volunteer work as a family as well as have each family member do random acts of kindness for others and compare notes.

Have some fun and be creative. I can remember being a child and learning about choosing a positive attitude by having a hall table with an empty drawer that we pulled a smile from each day when we left the house. Small children love to use their imaginations to learn things.

Grandparents can share stories about family members and others who demonstrated living the virtue you wish to help develop.

Parents, as well as family therapists, too often focus on negative behaviors. Helping actively develop character virtues and strengths is a healthy way to help create a next generation who are wise, transcend self, humane towards others, self-motivated and wonderful to be in relationship with. I can't think of a better legacy to leave behind us.

Helping Boys Become Men: A Checklist

You aren't born into manhood. It's a process of becoming one. A boy's character is developed over time, and learning life skills and how to handle situations helps. Masculinity, at its best, is about strength, gentleness, patience, loyalty and responsibility. This week as Father's Day approaches, I've been thinking about all the people----fathers, mothers, stepfathers, uncles, coaches, teachers, grandparents and others who contribute to helping boys grow into great men. Sometimes it's Dad, and sometimes Dad isn't available and other people can step in and help with raising boys to turn out well.

I recently ran across a cute book aimed at pre-teen and teenaged boys called The Manual to Manhood: How to Cook The Perfect Steak, Change a Tire, Impress a Girl & 97 Other Skills You Need to Survive, written by education consultant Jonathan Catherman (Revell Books, 2014). It got me thinking about what boys need to survive and thrive in modern life as they prepare to launch their own lives, and later partner and start a family of their own.

So, what do boys really need to know to become great men? It would be helpful to parents to have a quick check-list to work from. Here's a list to get you kick-started, including some of his and some of mine:

1. Master manners/social skills in social situations: how to greet people, meet people, introduce people to others, shake hands, make eye contact, have small talk, open doors, treat wait staff and retail cashiers, table manners, how to calculate a tip. Quiet confidence is appealing, a combination of humility and confidence.

2. Relationship skills with girls: how to show interest in a girl and get to know her, how to ask a girl out for a date, how to plan a date, how to meet her parents, how to have the big conversation about defining the relationship, how to treat a girl with respect, how to break up in a humane way (not by text, please).

3. Figure out how to fix things: change a tire, turn off the water, unclog a toilet, hang a painting, basic house stuff. It's great if you can go beyond this level of skill, but at least do the basics.

4. Learn to do your own laundry, change and wash your bedding, and learn how to iron.

5. Learn kitchen basics. Practice how to cook a few breakfasts, lunches and dinners, how to grill, how to grocery shop.

6. Understand finances: how to save money, earn money, manage credit,set a budget, balance a check-book, and stay debt free. You are setting an example with how you lead your financial life.

7.Job skills-how to apply for a job, work hard, strong work ethic, being punctual, write a resume, get a reference, ask for a raise or more responsibility, how to interview well, how to resign.

8. Maintain your car. Wash it, take it for oil changes, rotate tires and understand car maintenance. A car is a reflection of your self-esteem, so it may be modest but keep it clean, maintained, and take pride in it.

9.Maintain good hygiene and grooming. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

10. Strive to be independent. It's not attractive to be helpless. As a young adult male, you want to aim for doing as much as possible for yourself. (Don't have your parents rescue or prevent you from individuating, instead of manning up.)

11.Respect elders. Treat your parents and grandparents, your girlfriend's parents and other adults with respect, kindness and sincerity. Don't forget the eye contact and firm handshake!

12.Learn how to have conversations: get outside yourself, interview other people rather monopolizing the conversation, don't hide behind shyness. Be interested in other people.

13. Make your word mean something. Keep your promises and honor your commitments. Be a man of your word, so that people can count on you. This includes relationship commitments, so be faithful and loyal.

14. Pick up after yourself. Clean up your own clothes, belongings, and dishes. Learn how to clean the bathroom, kitchen, and how to do windows, vacuum and dust. If your mom still does all this stuff for you, let her know you want her to teach you how to do it yourself.

15. Manage your own stress and moods. Get off the technology and find ways to unwind outside, and be active. It keeps you fit and happier.

16. Develop empathy for others.Try volunteering to develop your understanding about the needs other people have, expand your compassion, and help you see beyond yourself.

17. Be honest and direct. Live with integrity.

18.Learn how to tie a tie. Sometimes you need to wear one, and it's good to know how.

19. Develop your faith and spirituality.

20. Learn to be kind to younger siblings and other young children. You might want to be a dad someday, and it's going to be good to know how to relate and care for children.

I would recommend Jonathan Catherman's book, especially for boys 12 to 15 or so. The concept is a good one. We can all help identify the life skills and character traits boys need to grow into great men,and begin this week helping to teach them. If a boy has a father who can teach these skills it's ideal, but if not, we can each pitch in. Sometimes it does take a village.

If we leave behind us good young men with these skills and values, we make the world better. Perhaps becoming a man isn't about reaching a certain age, but a state of awareness about one's relationship to the world, women, other people, and yourself. Good men are both strong and gentle, and they make a significant difference in the lives of their family. Great men learn to respect, protect and nurture others.

I'm thankful to the good men and good fathers that I know, and this is a good week for us to express that appreciation. Let's help raise more great men, our world needs them.