What's Your Attachment Style?

Attachment is the way you connect with other people. We learn it from our parents and attachment figures while we are growing up. We carry our attachment style into our adult relationships, and it helps to shape who we become as a parent and partner.There are four types: preoccupied, fearful, dismissing and secure. None of the styles is bad, just part of who you are and the life experiences you've had. We may each be able to shift our style of attaching over time and through healing experiences.

If you are securely attached, you can trust others and let them close to support you. In this style, you allow yourself a full range of emotions, knowing that all feelings are okay. Securely attached people feel basically happy and capable, and they tend to view their partner as well-intentioned and trustworthy. If you have an anxious attachment style and choose a securely attached partner you are likely to find that the reliable bond with them helps you to grow more secure over time. You don't overreact to a partner's small mistakes or slights.

What if you have the preoccupied style of attachment? You may feel fearful of rejection. You might overreact to problems, and easy jump to the feeling that you can't cope. This type can drain a partner with a sense of being perpetually overwhelmed, vulnerable and needy. Your sensitivity may cause you to overreact to perceived slights by a romantic partner. It may mean that you pick fights or instigate conflict which may exhaust your partner. The attachment need feels so strong and the fear of not getting needs met is so intense that little things can have huge meaning for you. A slow response to a call or text message may create high levels of anxiety and upset, and cause you to jump to (negative) conclusions. No partner is ever going to intuit your every need perfectly. Preoccupied style of attachers "activate" their strategy to sort of scan for any possible problems in relationships in a hyper-vigilant way, which can cause stress and anxiety.

If you have the dismissing style of attachment, you move away from attachment and fight strongly for your autonomy and independence. You also predict that important people in your life will not be there for you when you need them, so you avoid your own feelings and the feelings of others. You may withhold from expressing affection to a partner and make an insecure partner feel more insecure. You probably feel conflicted about both wanting love, comfort and connection and also wanting to protect yourself from the risk of it. You want to believe you don't need love, but you do.

People with the fearful attachment style feel that they aren't loveable. Attachment figures growing up may have been unavailable, perhaps having their own problems. They deeply desire connection and closeness, but can avoid or send mixed messages to their partner. These individuals can be vulnerable to depression, anxiety and passivity, and need to express their needs directly. Individuals who have the fearful style of attachment often view their partner negatively and can't empathize much with them.

Understanding how your style of attaching creates challenges for you in building a satisfying, secure and joyful relationship gives you a good start. Close relationships give us emotional availability, safe haven and a secure base. Insight for how your early attachments with parents influenced your ability to attach will help you develop self-compassion for why you struggle with certain things. It may also help you build more compassion for your intimate partner as you discuss how your childhoods and past relationships colored your ability to get close.

Leslie Becker-Phelps has an insightful new book on this topic called, "Insecure In Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It" (New Harbinger Publications, 2014). Becker-Phelps offers strategies for becoming a more securely attached person and partner.

We want to both become and look for a partner who can be securely attached, mature, non-defensive, effective at communication, appreciative, and affectionate. All intimate relationships will have some miscommunication at times. The best we can do is to choose wisely, have compassion for ourselves and the beloved, risk our own vulnerability, and try our best not to avoid, distance or act out of insecurity.

Celebrating Mothers (and Others Who Nurture)

There is nothing quite like having a mother or grandmother who loves and supports you. You know they are in your corner. You are certain that they care and want the best for you.

To be a good enough mother, you don't have to be perfect.

Even if you don't get a mother who is loving, life may present you with the opportunity to be that kind of mother yourself, or serve in a supportive 'mothering' role to other young people whose lives touch yours, perhaps as an aunt, a mentor, sister, or friend.

Being a supportive mother takes transcending self and caring as deeply for someone else as you do for yourself.

Mothering takes patience, especially when your child is pushing away from you or testing all the limits at certain developmental points.

Good mothers set limits and boundaries, and set a tone of mutual respect within the family.

Good mothers encourage their children to develop their natural strengths and interests, and try new things. Their belief in us helps us believe in us, too.

Mothering takes endurance and resiliency because there are a lot of days of cooking meals, helping with homework, getting the children up, tucking the children in, meal times, driving to school, sports, and lessons, and a million other little daily routines that are up to you to make happen.

Good mothers teach their children independent living skills all along the growing up years. They foster independence.

Mothers are needed when your child is discouraged, and you try to give them a word of encouragement to pick themselves up and try again.

It is from being loved by mom that many of us learn to attach, love others, and feel safe.

Good enough mothers apologize when they make mistakes. They role model being kind, forgiving others, and forgiving yourself for your imperfections.

Mothers often teach us to recognize our own feelings, and be aware of how our behavior impacts other people's feelings.

Being a mother is a powerful responsibility, and an opportunity to leave the world a better place by the children you leave behind. As Mother's Day approaches, let's honor mothers who made or are making a positive impact, and be aware of the importance of nurturing others when and where we can in each of the lives we each touch. Being a mom can be one of the most meaningful, transformative experiences in your life. It has been for me.

The Connecting Power Of Touch

Loving touch comforts and heals. Many seniors who live alone or in residential settings can go long periods of time without being hugged or touched. Children are happier with generous amounts of it. Couples can't thrive without it. Even our pets crave it. We never outgrow our need for it.

Ashley Montagu was a British anthropologist who wrote a book about the importance of touch. Skin to skin contact is essential for optimal happiness and well-being. Here are some of the things we know from studies about touch:

1. We feel more connected to someone if they touch us.

2.We can communicate many different emotions through touch.

3.The situation, or context for the touch modifies the meaning of it. Does it occur at a bar? With friends? At home?

4.Touch is an essential channel of communication between parents and children.

5. A mother's touch deepens the attachment between mother and child.

6. Even babies like to be touched.  The University of Miami's School of Medicine studied infants, and demonstrated that babies who are massaged by parents sleep better, are less irritable, are more social with other babies, and preemies even grow better when lovingly touched.

7. Generally, we are touched more often when we are little. However, we all need positive touch.
Sometimes when counseling young couples with small children, I find they both touch the babies or children, but the adults may forget (or are too tired) to remember to touch each other.

8.Touch is learned. It varies by culture. I have several young couples in premarital counseling where the differences in how each family uses touch is causing some discomfort and is having to be negotiated. You can also talk with your partner and teach each other how you like to be touched. I like couples to be intentional with each other, and kiss and hug goodbye and hello when they part in the morning and when they reconnect at the end of their day.

9.Touch has reciprocal benefits for both people, the person who is doing the touching, as well as the person being touched. Studies of stress hormones before and after massages confirm the benefit for giver and receiver.

10. Children usually respond beautifully to a little massage of their arms, backs ,
and/or legs before bedtime. It tends to help them transition to sleep better. I encourage parents to consider adding some loving touch into the bedtime routine with babies and children. I often recommend increased loving parent-child touch with anxious children.

11. Touch fosters and communicates intimacy in romantic relationships. I often notice the distance at which couples sit from each other on the couch in my counseling office and whether or not they touch each other during the counseling session.  It gives me a little window in to how they probably treat each other at home.

12. Inappropriate touch is threatening, and touch that feels too personal from strangers can scare people. Generally from the shoulder to the hand would be a less threatening location to touch someone you are not close to.

13.The gender of the sender and receiver of the touch also modify the way the touch is interpreted.

14. At work, a handshake is the best choice for touch. Honoring boundaries and personal space at work is key to being professional, as well as avoiding sexual harassment concerns.

15. In certain situations, like when someone is grieving, or celebrating wonderful news with you,
touch may be better than any words you could find to express support.

How many times have you been touched this week? Have you reached out to connect with loved ones recently with  hugs, and other ways to touch to comfort, connect or reassure? Have you talked with those you are closest to about how they feel about touch? Do you know a child or a senior who might need your loving touch? Think of touch as another tool for connecting you to the people you love, on a skin to skin, visceral level.

What is a Good-Enough Parent?

Psychologist, writer, and researcher Bruno Bettelheim coined the term "good enough" parent. It's a useful one.

It reminds parents they don't have to be perfect to do a really good job at parenting. It gives parents hope, because most insightful, conscientious parents are able to reflect on their own shortcomings as a parent. Sometimes it isn't until we become parents ourselves that we develop more compassion for our own parents, ourselves, and parents everywhere who not only are raising children, but also trying to support the financial needs of the family, balance work and family, meet multiple children's needs, and  stay happily partnered. Parenting is a big job if it's done well.

Sometimes part way into living out the dream of having a family, loss occurs. There may be a death or a divorce which creates even more challenges: moving, financial stress, single parenting, more isolation, and even less support. The parenting needs to continue, and sometimes there is hardly time for a parent who is going through loss or crisis to catch their breath. Conversely, having children to rally and refocus for after a huge loss can be helpful and grounding. I am often supporting people in just this situation in my counseling practice, and try to help the person see their role in helping their children through a family crisis as a good choice for their attention, as opposed to dating again right away, or something else.

As a family therapist who has worked with children, teens, and families for more than 20 years, here are some of the traits I think good-enough parents need:

1.      The ability to apologize when you blew it, overreacted, etc. –sincerely, and from the heart.

2.      Being present, as much as you can and still support the family. Being present also means that you are available emotionally, not focused on an addiction or your own compulsions.

3.      Listen more than you talk. Most parents lecture far too much, especially with teens. If you listen more, you'll be amazed at how your child or teen may open up more.

4.      Follow through. Do what you say you are going to do. Be count-on-able. My own children are in college and have launched into adult life, and I still feel that being a parent of your word is critical to your credibility with your child.

5.      Have traditions and rituals for connecting with your children and family. Think mealtimes, family activities you do together, worshipping together, one-on one dates with your child/children, homework help.

6.      Be your authentic self. A parent with good self-esteem, a sense of purpose, and a sense of humor all make you more real to your children. Express yourself with your own little twists that are uniquely you. I personally love serving breakfast waffles for dinner sometimes to mix it up, and love playing the board game Apples to Apples with the whole family. Hmmm, that gives me some excellent ideas for when my girls are home Thanksgiving weekend from college!

7.      Be consistent. Try your best to have regular meals, bedtimes, and homework times. Try to set and enforce clear family rules fairly and calmly. Speak softly and carry logical consequences.

8.      Encourage your child. My theory is that each child is different (have you ever noticed your differences from your sibling, if you have one?) Our job is to figure out who we've been sent, and how to help them develop their natural strengths and interests.

9.      Do not compare. Don't compare your child to their siblings, to you at their age, or to their friends. All of those comparisons create distance between you and your child, tension between siblings, and are not useful. Communicate to your children that they each have a special and unique place in your family and your heart.

10.  Don't give up. Some stages are magical in the parenting journey. Others are heart-breaking and upsetting. You are the parent, and good-enough parents go the distance.

11.  Be warm. Express your love for your child. Point out their strengths. It is in childhood that we learn to attach successfully with others, because we first learned how to securely attach to mom and/or dad.

12.  Play together. Can you remember when your parents played with you, or taught you to do something they enjoyed? Those positive experiences put something into your account with a child, so that when you have to discipline, there is something on account from which to withdraw.

So the good news for parents is: you don't have to be perfect. You can be good-enough, and that's just fine. As Bettelheim wrote, "not only is our love for our children sometimes twinged with annoyance, discouragement, and disappointment, the same is also true for the love our children feel for us." For everything to work, we don't have to be perfect as parents, and our children don't have to be perfect for us to love them either.