Before 'I Do' : The Case For Pre-Marital Counseling

Is pre-marital counseling a good idea for most couples? Absolutely. It's very easy to get caught up planning the details of the wedding, reception and honeymoon. Many couples don't ever get to some of the tough issues that couples need to discuss about building their life together after the wedding is over. The wedding is really just the starting line for your relationship.

It can also really help to have an objective and professional person whose job it is to focus on all the potential areas for conflict and guide you on how to handle them. You can learn in pre-marital counseling how to set a foundation to work through future concerns in an empathic, mature and open way. We know all couples have conflict, so learning how you can work through them in a calm, respectful way before you walk down the aisle is a huge benefit. The counselor's office can be the best and safest place to identify and learn how to work with your differences as a couple.

Sometimes couples are "so in love" that they are not looking at challenges and differences in a realistic way. Each partner was raised in their own family, and bring their own unique style of expressing affection, ways to work through or avoid conflict, partner roles, and the balance of separateness/togetherness. Whatever you saw happen in your family feels 'normal' to you. Being able to identify the strengths and weaknesses in each of the families you grew up in with help you illuminate the differences between you in a non-defensive setting. You may or may not want the relationship your parents had, and your partner had their own experiences.

Couples who marry in their 20's or 30's may not be fully individuated from their own families. Couples who remarry later can underestimate what it takes in emotional maturity to blend a family together and be a stepparent to their partner's children. Being pushed hard by a therapist on how you will handle conflicts over in-laws, parenting, money, debt, affection/sex, religion/spirituality, holidays and other pivotal issues is very helpful so that you have a plan. Think of pre-marital counseling like a preemptive strike. You will have different wants and needs, so having a safe way to discuss them is so important. Your partner may be very loving, but will never read your mind.

In last summer's findings in the National Marriage Project, they found that couples who've had pre-marital counseling do better. The odds of having a happy marriage are linked to how people functioned in their relationships before marriage.

Taking the time to address how you will handle difficult topics, like personal boundaries, jealousy, intimacy, work stress, family demands, feelings about having children, and limits you will put on distractions to couples time (cellphones, tablets, television) is time well invested in your happiness as a couple. In short, counseling before you get married helps you keep the emphasis on the life you are building together, rather than just one, big eventful day. Successful marriages take loving, honoring,
communicating respectfully, listening, negotiating and seeing the other person's perspective. Pre-marital counseling can help you get there.

Kim & Kris: The Case for Pre-Marital Counseling

Ironically, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce this week from professional basketball player Kris Humphries, after just 72 days of marriage. Her mom/manager, Kris Jenner, told viewers on Good Morning America this morning (while on tour promoting her own book) that this was something that didn't just happen one day, and that Kim has been unhappy for some time. Really?

Some of the media reports suggest that Kim and Kris couldn't agree on whether to live in California, or in Minnesota, where Kris plays for the Timberwolves. Wouldn't it have been a good idea to discuss all of these issues and sort them out with a professional marriage and family therapist BEFORE planning the lavish, televised wedding?

Sometimes couples feel awkward about initiating conversations with their fiancé about their needs, preferences, and expectations of each other. One very smart move is getting some time set up to meet with a good therapist, and let us be the bad guy and ask all the hard questions. I love to prevent relationship problems and poor matches when I can. Marriage and family therapists know the most common pitfalls marriages have, and we have the resources to assess both of your family backgrounds, communication styles, beliefs about parenting, ability to resolve conflict, and much more.

Wouldn't you really like to know what your partner thinks the two of you will do about managing money? It would help so much if you had a joint plan on how you are going to work through differences in a respectful way, and got a chance to practice it with a coach who can teach you a safe format for requesting changes from each other. What an advantage it is for a couple to agree on lifestyle differences like having or not having children, or where you will live. I also want couples to plan how they will maintain closeness and intimacy after the wedding, including date nights, couples rituals, time away together to reinvigorate you,and the pursuit of high energy fun together.

Over my years in private practice, I have worked with couples who were able to identify that their lifestyles or values were really not compatible. That's a valuable outcome, too, because you have just saved both people the pain of an unhappy marriage, a divorce, and the collateral damage to children from that marriage. There are some incompatibilities that are bigger than how much you love each other. It turns out that love is not enough for a great, satisfying marriage. It takes two mature people with a clear understanding of the roles they want and expect, and common ground on the big issues:affection and sex, faith, children, relationships with both families, money, fair and direct communication, openness, and faithfulness.

Perhaps we have a mistaken belief in our current world that you find the right person, plan a destination wedding, and live happily ever after. Being aware of the most common problems that couples have, and getting clarity on finding and being the right partner is very important. Understanding your partner on a deeper level---and understanding yourself-- is also needed. Illuminating the patterns you each saw in your families growing up, and what you want to repeat or change, helps. Don't assume anything about your partner. The best insurance for a fantastic, alive marriage is being able to understand and appreciate your differences, genuine agreement on the big issues, and having solid skills to work things through when things come up. Pre-marital counseling can give you the opportunity to give yourselves the best chance for real, lasting happiness together.