Money, Relationships, and Power

The March 26, 2012 issue of Time magazine had an interesting article with fresh statistics on changes that have been occuring for women, men, and the balance of power in close relationships.

For example, 40% of working women make more than their partner does. In our children's generation, more families may be supported by women than men. Many men have been displaced from the workplace or are under-employed through the last few years of downturn in our global economy. Some careers have been permanently dismantled as industries change.

Here are some of the other trends:

• In dual-earner couples,women contributed an average of 44% of family income in 2008, up from 39% in 1997.
• Women out-earn men in part-time work, but men still earn more on an hourly basis in full-time work.
• Less than 1 in 5 married couples are supported by the husband alone.
• The percentage of children born to unmarried mothers has increased from 5% in 1960 to 41% in 2010.
• Women work more paid hours than ever, up from .6 hrs per week in 1965 to 22.2 hours per week in 2010.
• Most men do more to help at home than they did in the past. Men have about tripled the weekly time contributions they make to housework (up from .5 hours in 1960 to 2 hours a week in 2010), child care (up from 2.6 hours a week to 6.4 hours), and food prep and cleanup (up from .9 hours per week to 2.7 hours a week).

Women's increased earning power gives them more economic influence, at home and in the marketplace. A study by Pew Research Center found that when the husband brings in more income, buying decisions are made equally most often.When the wife earns greater income, she typically makes twice as many buying decisions as the man.

More households are headed by successful single women.Women's increased earning power steps up their confidence in asking for what they want and negotiating factors in relationships along new non-traditional lines. There are more unmarried couples living together and negotiating tasks and roles.

Earning power seems to make women more desireable. A 2001 study by University of Texas at Austin psychology professor David Buss and his colleagues found that from 1950 to 2000, there was a huge shift in how much weight men gave to a partner's earning power, relative to domestic skills.

Economic trends often require changes in society and relationships. In our lives, and certainly in our children and grandchildren's lives to come, these changes will impact their lives and choices. Girls need to prepare to have the training for a career so they have their own base of power from which to negotiate. Both girls and boys need to learn to participate fully in caring for children, sharing household tasks, managing money, and making decisions. No damsels in distress needed, better to help our damsels aim for success, instead. Earning more shouldn't give either partner the ability to dominate decision making or hold all the power. Mutual respect is still the key, and valuing each partner's contributions, whether at home, or in the marketplace.

In an upcoming book by Liza Mundy, called The Richer Sex,will be published in 2012 by Simon and Schuster, and go more in depth about some of the trends featured here and in the Time article.

In the future, money, decision-making power, and task assignments won't be able to be made only on gender assignment. None of these topics can be taboo before partners plan a life together. Instead of role assignments, perhaps we can shift to roles that are shared, or are preferred by the individuals involved, or with consideration for maximizing family earning power. Parenting will be more of a shared hands-on task in two-parent families. More children will be raised in single parent families.

Our world is changing, and our task is to adjust to it, and welcome less rigid roles to play as we partner, live, raise children, and create balance between work and family life.You know what this means: less assumptions, and more discussion about who does what, and how we create a life together. These changes might have a bright side. I always like less assumptions, and more discussion! We can't use the template of earlier generations in gender roles, family responsiblities, handling money, decision-making, and the distribution of power. It's time to create our own way, and respect the unique, differing gifts that we each bring to relationships and our shared life together.

Manning Up: Book Review

How come men are getting weaker,and women are getting stronger? Why are people of both genders in a new prolonged pre-adulthood into their mid to late 20's and even beyond into their 30's? What caused these social changes,and what are we to do about it? This is the focus of an interesting new book,"Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys"(Basic Books,2011).

The writer,Kay Hymowitz,is a fellow at the Manhattan Institute,and has written several other books on American culture,family,and childhood,as well as numerous articles.Hymowitz does a superb job in this book of laying out the various economic,demogrraphic,cultural,and psychological factors that have contributed and lead us to these societal and developmental changes.

So why are men getting weaker?Industrialization and urbanization are factors that make warrior qualities more irrelevant.As women get more educated(and there are currently far greater numbers in undergradute,graduate,Ph.D and professional school),and more opportunity to work,it is no longer a male domain.Even Time magazine this past spring had a cover story on the "Beached white male",whose skills and and power are less valued in the workplace.

In comedienne Julie Klausner's book,"I Don't Care About Your Band",she details successive relationships in her 20's with men who had a man-child psychology.We see a lot of self absorbtion now of men in their 20's and 30's more interested in play than growing up and taking responsibility.Sometimes parents and partners allow men to stay children.


A media culture and movies that perpetuate the little kid in a man's body are also an influence.Think of the character Seth Rogen played in last years' film, Knocked Up,or many of the movie roles played by Will Ferrell,Adam Sandler,Owen Wilson,Jim Carrey and Vince Vaughn. They are all extremely funny,but not exactly the kind of masculine we saw in The grapes of Wrath,or It's a Wonderful Life.Lots of commitment phobic,eternal child self-indulgence.

Media images impact men and women in their 20's and 30's.Television shows like Friends,Two and A Half Men,Sex and The City,amd many others glamorize a single lifestyle that goes on far longer than it did for people in our $0's or older.My own parents were married at 19,and started a family at 22.There wasn't a lot of goofing off scheduled for the 20's then.

The current generation of 20 and 30-somethings had different parenting.Parents were in hyper-gear taking them to lessons,sports,art class,music theatre and more.Everyone got a trophy.This is a generation of young adults often with very elevated expectations about living your passion,lifestyle needs,and pursuing your dream job.I don't think our grandparents were worried about that during the Great Depression.Sometimes middle-aged boomer parents enable,enmesh and coddle their offspring,and become codependent in enabling a prolonged adolesence and helping adult offspring launch into adult lives.

Hymowitz's book,"Manning Up"does a great job at providing data on how contraception and the women's rights movement of the 60's and 70's has impacted age of marriage,careers,and gender roles. Some of the expanded opportunities for women are great.Some of the impact on men is mixed.We still want men who are not wimps or eternal children.We want men who MAN UP.I often think of this as I guide young women in counseling,making sure they choose someone they can respect, so that they are not the 'better man' in the relationship.

Becoming an adult requires manning up--or its equivalent for women--- and living independently,paying your own bills,and having all of the self-esteem and self- respect that comes with it.It means having the resolve and the commitment to work a job and not quit it til you have another.It means pursuing your dreams,but working 3 or 4 part-time jobs to support yourself while you do it.It is having the maturity to see that your work,while it's important,isn't everything.One also has to build a life,not be narcissistic, and care about and commit to other people.I heartily recommend this book to you.It will make you think about how our culture is changing,and what you want to do about it in your little corner of the world.