Getting Outside Yourself

One of the qualities I like best in people is the ability to transcend yourself and shift perspective to see a situation, a relationship, or a problem from another person's perspective. This is a sign for me of a person's emotional maturity, and spiritual growth. None of us is the center point of the universe, and if we recognize that, we can make great strides in increasing our understanding of ourselves and other people.

When I am counseling couples, I find it a hopeful sign when both partners see that there are often several right ways to approach most things.There are also two perspectives on most relationship conflicts.When you realize you are not always right, and the other person is not always wrong, you can begin to solve problems. Often, we think the way things were handled in our family growing up (like the distribution of chores for example) is the only way to do it. Guess what? Your partner was raised in a DIFFERENT family, and they probably think that the way things were handled in their family of origin is the best way. The real answer is that you will need to compromise, negotiate, and find a new way to deal with daily life decisions that works for the two of you as a unique couple.

I am reminded of a terrific line from the spiritual teachings of the Course in Miracles, which says, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"  Holding on firmly to the false belief that you are always right creates disharmony and doesn't allow you to truly be in intimate relationships, which require humility and vulnerability, and less ego and self-righteousness. We have much to gain from being curious about how things look from other people's perspectives.

My counseling practice is in Newport Beach, California.While Orange County is not really much like the Bravo show 'The Real Housewives of Orange County,' there are many children and teens I have worked with over the past 20 years who are fortunate to have grown up with many advantages. As a parent myself, and as a family therapist, I find it incredibly important to help our sons and daughters grow up with some perspective on the people all around us living in hardship. My own daughters, and many of my teenage patients, learned to see the world differently through volunteering with at risk families and youth. When we think about learning to shift perspectives, time well spent at a food pantry, homeless shelter, or as a direct service volunteer with children or seniors in tough situations is more impactful than any words a parent can say.

I am also overwhelmed at times by some of my wonderful adult patients who are grieving a loss; a death, a break-up, a job loss, recovering from childhood abuse, etc., but decide at some point in their grief process to reach out to help others in some way. I am struck by how it helps them grow stronger and heal. Maybe it has something to do with realizing you still have something to give. It also means that you see that there are always people in better and worse circumstances than you. Talk about transcending self! It makes me think of Mother Teresa's insight that we don't need to do great things, but, rather, small things with great love.

This week, I challenge you to ask yourself if there is another way to see it when you have a conflict with someone who matters to you. Just like in viewing an optical illusion, your perspective really matters. Don't make assumptions. Be curious about how things look from the other person's perspective. Stay aware that sometimes there are several right ways to do things. Ask and listen to how a situation looks to the other person. You can do this. Learning to shift your perspective will help you grow and mature along your own life journey.

The Gift of Forgiveness

There are only a couple of weeks left until we wrap up 2010. It seems an appropriate time to think about mending fences in our lives, and see what we can each do personally to apologize, forgive, and lighten the emotional load we take into the fresh new year. As each year passes, the enlightened soul realizes that our time on the earth is finite. The years pass more and more quickly. Sometimes we can't even remember why we carry a grudge against a family member or friend.It is time to unpack the baggage.

Healthy people apologize freely. They realize noone is perfect, not even themselves. Often in the quickness of daily life, we forget to consider the impact of our words, actions,or tone on the people who are close to us. We may disappoint others and let them down. I have seen family members melt in my counseling office when a heartfelt apology is given freely, with the genuine intent to learn and do better in the relationship. Apologizing to anyone you have hurt this year will likely bring you closer, but,at the very least,it will give you more peace internally. To give a satisfying apology, one must be able to get past the ego and pride, and recognize our own human frailty.

Forgiving others for the hurt they may have caused you is something smart that emotionally intelligent people do often. Holding grudges and resentment is like eating poison every day. Why would you want to do that? One of my favorite lines from the Course in Miracles is,"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" There is no benefit to holding on to resentment, and it could negatively impact your mental or physical health.Forgiveness is something you do for your own well-being, not because someone earns it. After all, if we aren't perfect, how can we expect that everyone else is going to read our script?

This Christmas season, be generous with your apologies and your forgiveness. Doing your part to own your own shadow self,in Jungian terms, makes it easier for others to do the same. By apologizing for your own thoughtlessness, selfishness, or hurtfulness to those you love, and forgiving their slights towards you, you will be better prepared to begin the new year with lighghtness and more room for joy.I wish you a happy holiday season and a lighter 2011!