Strong Enough To Be Vulnerable

Writer Louise Hay, the godmother of affirmations, wrote this one about vulnerability that I love:

"It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable."

One of the most beautiful things about people to me is when they have been through loss or difficulty, but it has not broken them. Life's challenges can break you open instead. It's been said that when your heart breaks, that's where the light can get in. I admire tremendously when people cultivate both their strength and vulnerability. It's an unstoppable combination of traits which will serve as a standard for others.

It takes a strong person to be honest about who you truly are, and what you are needing in your closest relationships. Many people do intimacy dances where they hide parts of themselves, and are fearful to really be known by the intimate other, or let the other person see your fears, hurts from childhood wounds, or your biggest hopes and dreams for your life and for the relationship.

I find people can't act forever. In your closest relationships, one will begin to resent and detach from the other person if you aren't brave about talking through your needs, your hopes, and your hurts, and listening from the heart to your partner's side on each of these concerns.

In relationships, we are always in motion, either getting closer, or drifting further away. It takes a brave and vulnerable individual to talk with your partner honestly about what is working well, and where you would like to do things differently with each other. Many people are starving emotionally in their relationship, and you can begin to correct the trajectory by talking about what you need and want, not in anger, but with love and vulnerability.

Being strong with your children may mean being a responsible parent who provides structure, consistency and predictability. (Think paying the bills, serving dinner at 6, helping them with homework, having household rules). Being vulnerable may mean being willing to apologize freely from the heart when you overreact or misstep. Sorry,but nobody's perfect, parents included. Being vulnerable might be hugging, tucking in, making plans to hang out together, or letting them know when you feel close to them, or what they mean to you. You can't imagine the number of adults I've seen in therapy over the last 20 years who never felt like they got the love, attention, tenderness, or approval from their parents that they needed. Good news! You can break the cycle and give your children that emotional tenderness they are needing. Start today by telling them, or writing them a personal letter about what they mean to you.

Remind yourself this week, by repeating Louise Hay's insightful affirmation to yourself ten times a day: "It is healing for me to show emotions. It is safe for me to be vulnerable today." Imagine not only an individual who cultivates strength and vulnerability, but also you and your partner, your family, your community, and all whose lives you touch. It's a wonderful, hopeful picture.

Weeding Your Thoughts and Your Life

I love to plant flowers and grow a garden. As every gardener will tell you,having a beautiful and healthy garden takes tending. You need to water it, feed it, and once a week or so, you must come through and pull out the weeds.

Your life also need tending. Everything goes better if you add positive input, inspiring experiences and people to your life. It is also important to minimize your contact as much as possible with people who are negative,critical,chronically whiny and otherwise emotionally toxic for you to be around.Pursue people and experiences which make you feel upbeat,hopeful,and positive.Seek out people who you resonate with in this way.

Your thoughts also need weeding regularly.Self-defeating thoughts lead to self-defeating behavior, which cycle into a lethargic state and feelings of defeat.For example,we could think "there is no point. I don't have the energy to workout/write that paper/clean house. I'm not in the mood.Things are too difficult. I will probably fail." There is very little chance of a successful outcome with those powerful negative thoughts.

We need to learn to endorse and cheer yourself on instead.Replace self-downing thoughts with more objective and self-endorsing ones.For example, "I'm going to see what I can accomplish if I work on this paper for an hour".Breaking down tasks into chunks can make it easier to start, and you can feel less overwhelmed.Take little steps toward a goal you feel blocked on, and use modest time limits for your efforts.(How do we eat an elephant? One bite at a time.)

Watch your internal dialogue.Try to think in wants, rather than musts or shoulds. Reformulating your self-talk to own your choices will lift your mood.Reward yourself with play or a healthy treat for taking steps towards your desired goal.Watch out for labeling yourself in negative ways, or using ALWAYS or NEVER.Very few things in life are that absolute.

Instead of conjuring up self-defeating emotions, like tiredness, boredom, and discouragement, focus on visualizing success at the task you have been avoiding. Try that on and see how it feels.

David Burns,M.D., in his classic book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy", tells us that there are mind-sets that keep one stuck and prevent us from moving forward towards our goals. They are:
*hopelessness
*helplessness
*overwhelming yourself
*jumping to conclusions
*self-labeling
*undervaluing the rewards
*perfectionism
*fear of failure
*fear of success
*fear of criticism
*resentment
*low-frustration tolerance
*guilt/self-blame

This week, try to eliminate negative statements to yourself and to others.Use positive words to affirm your goals.Use positive, energized I-statements to get yourself going(I am becoming a more patient/active/positive person.)Put up positive post-it notes to give you a quick affirmation throughout the day.

Sprinkle in some self-care this week. Brew a cup of your favorite tea. Watch a favorite movie.Go for a walk with your dog.Take a bubble bath. Be around someone who encourages you and makes you feel good. Listen to something upbeat or inspiring---for those of you in the greater LA area, I recently found a new radio program on weekdays on KFWB 980am from 2 to 4pm with motivational speaker Les Brown if you find yourself driving at that time.

Don't forget to pull a few weeds from your life and your thoughts this week so that there is room for the good stuff to grow.