Monday, October 5, 2015

When Your Adult Children Need Limits

Imagine if you had children and nurtured them, but they grew up to be adults and treated you badly on a consistent basis. What if your adult children used, abused, and dumped on you? Are they calling and telling you all their problems? Depending on you financially long after they should be independent? Still beating you up about their (long over) childhood? Now is the time to set some new, healthier boundaries and expectations.

You would end a friendship or love relationship with another adult who consistently treated you badly. We can have blind spots with our adult children where we allow mistreatment and emotional abuse we wouldn't accept from anyone else. Some adult children necessitate you taking back your own personal power, and stepping away from enabling their bad or weak behavior.You don't want to be codependent with your adult child's emotional immaturity.

What if your adult child blames you for all their unhappiness? Certainly I believe in apologizing for any mistakes you made, but enough is enough at some point. Some adult children get "stuck" in the blame or victim role and can't move along. Maybe they are well into adult years now, and have had more years on their own then you did raising them. You may have to set some limits about how far and long the blaming goes on. They might be enjoying the secondary gains of not moving on, rather than beginning to do the hard work of taking responsibility for building their own positive, productive life now.

Parents can be manipulated by their adult children, as they get their guilt buttons pushed. It is important to set your own limits about what you are and are not willing to do. You may be willing to help with finances for a limited amount of time. You may not want them to move in with you and become a child again in an open-ended way. It may be better to help them with a specific cost, such as educational expenses, or help with their own rent for a specific amount of time that has an ending. You may be happy to speak by phone or spend time together, but have a  prepared exit strategy if a pleasant interaction turns abusive or toxic. You may not be willing to stay with them if it is upsetting each time. Shorter visits may be preferable.

You may have to give your adult child some space if they are misusing you. Call less often. Meet up at a neutral location, such as a restaurant for a meal. Prepare a broken record response if they begin to verbally attack you, such as, "I understand that you are unhappy with how your life is going, but this isn't going to help." You may be willing to help your adult child in a time-limited fashion, if they are taking demonstrable steps to help themselves. You may want to reframe by asking them what they think they can do to create a positive change in their life. You could also redirect the conversation to something else. You could not be immediately available at all times. Give less: time, attention, financial support.

Explain that it puts you in an awkward position if they repeatedly call you to bash their partner. It may be healthier to redirect them to talk directly to their partner, and not triangulate you in the middle, or see a therapist. This is changing your own dance steps. You are not a dumping ground or a doormat. Realize that to be someone else's doormat, you do have to lie down (be passive and allow it).

You have certain rights as a person, too. When you had children, you didn't give up your need for personal dignity or respect. You have a right to move closer emotionally to people who treat you well and are supportive. Put more distance between yourself and people, including your adult children, who mistreat you. You have a right to peace, and not being anybody's emotional punching bag. Some adult children have elevated and unrealistic expectations about you always being at their service. You are a part of the problem if you enable their bad or weak behavior. Your own health will suffer if you don't set boundaries.

Having children can be an incredible blessing. As your children become adults themselves, it is essential to shift gears in the parent-child relationship. You love them, but you also have firm and clear limits about what you will and won't do, and what behaviors you cannot accept or encourage. Being respectful of others and requiring respect back from others is something that only you can do.

It's a healthy response to develop the backbone to not be an enabler. This is reworking your part of the parent-child dance, doing your best to help your adult son or daughter stop blaming, and start addressing the issues in their own life. This takes strength, but it's really the most loving and helpful thing you can do for your adult child: loving them, but stepping away from the drama, setting firm limits, and not feeding the problem. Maybe you're still parenting, but shifting to an appropriate stance for your adult child's situation, and encouraging their strength, health, and emotional growth.

115 comments:

  1. This is very good advice. I am the parent of a 23 year old son and a 20 year old daughter who treat me badly. I am kind, supportive and loving but precisely as you have mentioned, they blame me for things that have not been ideal in their lives and they continue to expect me to be there for them when they need me for money, emotional support, rent etc. and I would travel to the moon and back for them but their emotional abuse is starting to make me ill. They tell me that they hate me, that I am a 'dick head', that I am a terrible mother and when they don't need me they reject me in quite a distasteful manner. I am torn as I wish for nothing more than to have a good relationship with my grown children but the more I try, the worse it gets....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same story here...it got so bad I was physically abused. All I wanted was a caring family-not just for me, but I wanted my children to be caring and supportive to each other. It actually started happening, but the oldest, who clings to resentment of me like a lilfe raft, learned and copied my means of gathering my children for dinner-where the grandkids could be safe and spend time together-and used it to gather her siblings for drinking and pot smoking parties, so they lost interest in child-friendly gatherings, and now they get together (with children present) to get drunk, smoke pot, act like pimps and tramps (literally) and all manner of disgusting things. I heard all the details from one daughter who ran to me when the oldest one mistreated her. I was happy to be supportive again, etc. but withing a couple weeks she had gone running back to the parties and dumped me. Get out while you can-it only gets worse the more you try to help, save yourself. If our kids are ever going to grow up, we have to get out of the way. Once they get used to dumping on you, it will not stop.

      Delete
    2. I am sorry. Believe me, I understand.

      Delete
    3. I am sorry. Believe me, I understand.

      Delete
    4. I'm in the same boat, but I have 5 children between me and my husband. Ive finally come to the conclusion if I'm going to be treated badly then I'm not going to give them my money, my time, or help. The way some of them treat me is like they are saying I want you money and help but I don't want you. So if they don't want me them they don't get the other. And at this point if they stay away that's fine too, I will be less stressed and can enjoy my life now.

      Delete
    5. Its so sad but tuff love is the medicine thats needed ..me and my wife got Little to no support. .we learned and my father in law wanting the rent money from his son n law seemed harsh but he was teaching me

      Delete
    6. I can relate. With the exceptio. That my daughter lives with a eoman who is performing psycho therapy on her without a license. Every time my daughter gets angry with me it becomes a powerstruggle over how I have always made her feel like garbage. Never supported her situation and took away her voice. All distorted thoughts about what really happened. Im so hurt and broken. Right now Im having a terri le time with guilt and sour feelings.

      Delete
    7. My grown daughter did (is doing) the same thing to me. She is very unhappy with herself and rather than have the courage to do things that frighten her or challenge her, it is easier to decide that I am the problem. At one point, she almost convinced me that I was a closet narcisist. I went to therapy and learned that I was most likely codependent and mired in guilt. My grown daughter still lives with me (although she stays with friends a good deal of the time) but when she is home, she has me walking on egg shells, never knowing what will set her off. Everyone makes mistakes as parents, but most of us do our best and sacrifice to no end for our children. What I do know is that if you (I) do not put up boundaries for this behavior, it will only continue and get worse. I recently gave my daughter an ultimatum. She will need to attend family therapy with me and the other members of the household or she has two months to find herself another permanant living situation. She feels terribly wronged by this and in truth I also feel bad for her and more than a little guilt. But the situation as it is has to stop or I fear that it will implode my life. At this point it is a matter of self-preservation. Since I am the only breadwinner in the home, and on top of this am in graduate school, I have to stay viable or our household will not function. It has come to that. It is a matter of perspective, and you are right. These adult children have a very "distorted" perspective on things. It doesn't make me feel any better knowing this, because like a true codependent, I feel her pain, but I know in my heart of hearts what the true situation is, emotion and perspective aside.

      Delete
    8. On a positive note...I was headed down this path with my daughter whom I raised by myself, but I am now enjoying a very good relationship with! I do believe, as parents, that we make the mistake of trying to do too much for them as kids. I wanted to give her everything I never had, as my childhood was dysfunctional. I think they realize what we are doing, that they come first above anything else, they use it to their advantage! When she became a teenager she was really pushing it with the way she would talk to me and disrespecting me. Also, I did not get acknowledged on Mother's Day or Birthday's. I would tell her how hurt I was, but she could have cared less. When this bad behavior started, I would not tolerate it and let her know how I felt and how it bothered me. When she was 16, she started speaking to me in such a disrespectful way so, I told her if she disliked me or the rules of this house, she needed to leave. She left for a couple of day and came back. She realized how good she had it at home, but also she learned that she had crossed a line with me that would not be tolerated. She is now 23 and is my best friend. It was so hard for me to do what I did, as I had no idea where she would go or if she would return. I will never tolerate that kind of disrespect or lack of appreciation as I am sure I would be in the same boat as many on here are and almost was!
      Also, I want to mention that I learned something from my dysfunctional childhood. My father had abandoned our family and had done some nasty things. Yet, all 5 of his children were so quick to forgive him and seeked him out for a relationship. Point is, maybe we need to quit trying so hard, and stop letting them believe the world is only about them and their happiness! We matter too!

      Delete
  2. This advice is a lot better than most of the advice I see about this. What I've seen so far is that the parent has to keep "trying", keep asking "to be treated better", keep offering solutions "lets go to counseling"-so that the adult child "won't suffer later when you've passed away". I tried all the "right" things, and the mistreatment from my children escalated to the point where one of my daughters literally knocked me down on the ground and beat me-in public. Sometimes "limits" won't work, because a limit to some people will cause anger in someone used to using and abusing you, so there comes a time when you need to bail. I don't know why writers of these articles don't just say that-some relationships are so toxic you just have to get out. So you never see them again, so what? Life is full of relationships that go by the wayside for one reason or another, and your children aren't necessarily going to be caring people toward you. If your children need so much limit-setting and escape-planning, can't what you have to offer be better shared elsewhere, as a volunteer, with a neighbor, with friends or other family members? Life is meant to be productive, not just managing difficult people to keep yourself from getting hurt. And if you're kids are ever going to change, they can do it without you-sometimes they actually have to. If they do, God bless 'em, and then you'll meet in heaven. Otherwise, keep moving on towards a wholesome life and caring relationships.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree...excellent reply! I have 1 daughter who has used and abused me for the last time! She's 30 and has a real problem with narcissism. She blames me for everything and when I throw it back on her..she tries to blame me again. She has a problem with accepting responsibility for her own behavior. She's successful business wise but as far as being a daughter, she's one of the biggest disappointments of my life and I'm very close to never speaking to her again.

      Delete
    2. I agree, excellent sensible reply, my story resonates with everyone's story here, I never thought of myself as an enabler but that is so true, I feel less guilty having read everyone's story and realise that I have done my very best and don't deserve the treatment I get from my adult son. Time for me to do something positive and constructive about it :)

      Delete
    3. Melody, I have a 50 year old daughter who blames me for everything. I also have a 46 yr. old daughter and the 50 year old blames her too. About every month or two my older daughter will decided to cut off ties with me. She does not live close to us. I did nothing but love my first born, coddled her, and then she got married and her thinking got more and more distorted. She is divorced now, but the behaviour has just gotten worse. She is the mother of my 4 grandchildren and I can't have a relationship with them either because of her.

      Delete
    4. I am so sorry to hear this but I know exactly how you feel. I have a 41 yr old daughter & 3 grandson' s & our relationshipis just about to go off ion the ditch forever I do feel. She has just broken my heart over & over & I'm The least important person her life& last on her list . She is my friend& id give my life for her & it is so hurtful. She moved away for 2 yrs & this morn I see on FB that she is back within 6 miles of me & I had no idea & it makes me angry & mostly it hurts my heart. I have no answer for you or myself buti will say I am very sad for you & if I could fix this Painful issue for you I would . Moms are never appreciated well I'm not anyways. I pray you find peace & happiness & your child finds it in her heart to be good to you & learn to love & care for you. Please on me if you'd like. I could use a friend & esp someone with the same hurt. Enjoy your day & smile, This too shall pass!!

      Delete
  3. I agree; best advice so far on the subject of abusive adult children. Most, if not all, of the articles I have read so far are tolerant of the abuse and ask the parent to rise above it. The problem is that rising above it is not enough. I have tried patience, understanding, kindness, personal emotional disclosure ("when you do . . ., I feel . . .) and it does not work when the adult child is immature, blaming, projecting, and in denial. It's similar to trying to talk to a 2-year-old in the middle of a temper tantrum and expect them to stop and consider what we are saying. What I am interested to know is why are there so many immature, mean-spirited, and angry young adults out there? Is it because we spoiled them to much, and continue to spoil them, placate, and tolerate (ignore) their abuse? I agree with the author here and, for me, I now have zero tolerance for abuse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It looks like you did all "the right things" for your kids. My mom did the same for me. Except, She had clear and unrealistic expectations about who I was/should become. She still does not see she has never really accepted the path I wanted to take in life. Forced me to study a "prestigious career path", instead of letting me choose. She constantly points out how the kids from her friends are. Overall, she thinks she is a great person because everyone tells her so. My relationship has been broken since I am a preteen. Now I accept my life (almost 40), I never became what I wanted to (Thanks mom!), and now that I am a mother myself feel less sympathy and respect for my mom.

      Delete
    2. Growing up means that at some point you stop blaming others for your life path and take responsibility for your life. It's okay to say "I was hurt or wounded by the mistakes that my parents made." No parent is perfect and part of growing up is understanding where your values differ from your parents' values. This can be a good thing. You can look at what your mother/father did and learn from it. No parent is perfect and sometimes parent's damage their children when it is their heartfelt wish to do only the best for their children. I will tell you one thing, for every mistake that your parent made, and for every wrong that they did to you, there were a thousand selfless and wonderful loving, nurturing acts. Stop focusing on what was wrong and making that the whole story. Use the mistakes that your parents made to learn more about how to be a better person and not make those same mistakes. Wallowing in self-pity will keep you from becoming the person that you want to be. Not what your parents did to you, but what you are continuing to do to yourself!

      Delete
  4. Any advice please? What happens when they use the grandchildren as blackmail. If you don't follow their boundaries it is their right to decide when and where you can see them. The grandchildren ask all the time to come to our house which was an everyday occurrence not so long ago.Now they are given every pathetic excuse why they can't. All was fine until we asked for some support with another daughter who has always gone out of her way to blame my husband and I for a chronic illness. now she has managed to tear the family apart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Reading your post. Is my exact story. My daughter and 4 yr old grandson lived with us. My daughter refused to help with household responsibilities and most times did not even take care of her son, leaving the responsibility to my husband and I. Don't get me wrong we love our grandson but when we told her she needed to take more responsibility around the house she grabbed our grandson and has not come back. She allows me to see him on her terms (mostly when she needs a sitter) but he doesn't understand why he can't come to visit and cries when I have to leave. It is also hard on me as my daughter is somewhat homeless and stayed at several different places including store parking lots with my grandson. I just wish he could come back until she can get it together. I have offered to help with local apartments. But she wants to stay in an area 90 miles away. Which makes it hard for my visits. I have been told to use tough love. But that is hard when a 4 yr old is involved.

      Delete
    2. Been there had that done its difficult love the kids and love my girl and her boyfriend too but its to hard when the mom is talked to only when wants stuff .. so no that wont work too.we pray about it ..wife has many health issues and they think she makes it up ...she sometimes very sick and no concern at all

      Oh and does anyone remember how many times grandparents did the visiting??with us it was zero . .why is it now the responsibility of working grandparents to do that now ...????

      Delete
    3. Gosh, I thought I was the only mom getting treated bad, I have 30 yr old son who still lives at home, of course I am a nasty nutty mother if I dare mention he moves out, I work full time, if I want any help in the house I have book appointment, cause he has his own life and it's my house so my problem, my 18 yr old daughter just about gets through her education, she will take what she wants, money anything, confront her and I get called controlling..a nutter, slag, bitch, I try to be firm but my son just teAms up... I have been so at and punched, and I dread coming home from work. I don't know how we got here, my sons has a good job more income than me, my daughter wants me to pay for her to go to uni next year but I care barely speak to her as I am so fed up of the abuse, aside from that they are perfect members of society. I feel so low

      Delete
    4. Consider doing what a friend did with the 3 adults (one was 40 at the time!) who were still living with her for free: MOVE AWAY!!!. So far away they do not want to follow you. In her case, they ALL cleaned up their acts within 3-6 months!! The 40 year old got a job and even got married within a year!
      Hang in there. Do not put up with anything just because they are from your flesh and blood. ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!

      Delete
    5. You teach people how to treat you. I'd rather have a peace of mind and freedom then to be chained to my adult children's demand's. You have taken care of these selfish people and possibly way past adulthood. If they use the grandkids against you then that means they don't respect or care about you anyway. You can't give what's left of your life away to others. You've got to keep some to yourself. When you give into that drama they promote to you then they have you where they want you. You can't change them but you can change you and the situation no matter how bad its gonna make feel. Start by making them miss you the well and let the water run dry..Go out and enjoy life it's your turn to be happy..

      Delete
    6. You teach people how to treat you. I'd rather have a peace of mind and freedom then to be chained to my adult children's demand's. You have taken care of these selfish people and possibly way past adulthood. If they use the grandkids against you then that means they don't respect or care about you anyway. You can't give what's left of your life away to others. You've got to keep some to yourself. When you give into that drama they promote to you then they have you where they want you. You can't change them but you can change you and the situation no matter how bad its gonna make feel. Start by making them miss you the well and let the water run dry..Go out and enjoy life it's your turn to be happy..

      Delete
  5. I have the same problem with an adult son who is 33 years old. After reading some of the other comments left here, I had to ask myself the question, "Would I put up with this kind of treatment from someone I was not related to?". The answer is an obvious no. I feel that the root of the problem lies in the fact that they don't give a damn about how you feel. They don't appreciate the emotional investment you have put into them, wanting them to be safe and happy adults. I also feel that the mistake I am making is enabling his behavior. A parents job is never finished, and the best parental action I can take is by showing them how the real world treats people when they act the way they act. I am not perfect, but, I feel that I did my best raising him. Staying away from him, and making him earn my respect is the best thing I can do as a parent, enabling his behavior is not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what my husband and I need to do and that is let them go. We are being accused of being toxic, so I don't think they will ever change their minds. We still have one daughter left and a grandchild. time to cut the other two off and enjoy the love we do have. Thank you

      Delete
    2. Same here. It is amazing how many parents are being abused emotionally or physically from their own adult children! I'm always being accused of things and they can treat me how they want but I am supposed to be their loving Mom always no matter what when they need me to. They just want to use me. I have 2 daughters that way. My son is close to me and never treats me that way. I have to cut the other 2 off as I am 58 years old and have health problems and don't need their abuse. My son is loving and has 2 children which I love very much. My 2 daughters... the older one lost her 2 boys because of heroin use and my youngest daughter has 3 children which I am not allowed to see. She wants nothing to do with me. I do not drink or smoke and always loved my grandchildren. I just do not understand how hateful adult children can get to their parents. I am sorry for you all who have this problem as it does hurt very much.

      Delete
    3. Amen, Unknown. Regardless of the reason for their abuse, we teach them how to treat us. The hardest thing is to let go, but it's the best thing. Being an example of strength is what they need to become that for themselves. Their abusive behaviour is born out of their own insecurities which they may possess because of our own weak parenting when they were young. But we know better now. So do them a favor and set limits on YOUR terms...in a loving way. This is our opportunity to be better parents. I liken it to a 2 year old having a temper tantrum. Ignore the behaviour or remove yourself from their life and see how fast they realize that their abuse isn't working anymore. Adult "children" can sense insecurity (fear) as keenly as a dog can and will use it to their advantage. Mostly, respect yourself enough to walk away. If there is any chance of regalning a relationship with an abusive child, this is it. And remember, sometimes the people we are closest to are not our families. God bless all of us who love our abusive children enough to walk away and forgive ourselves for being part of the problem.

      Delete
  6. I say to hell with these adult kids and the high horse they rode in on!!! I absolutely refuse to be afraid of anyone that I gave life to and birthed into this world. As parents we had a lot of choices when they first came into the womb. All we had to do was say the word and they never would have seen the light of day. But we love them enough to give them a good life and chose to sacrifice and give them a good upbringing. How many times have we loved them through all of their ugliness and nastiness? What about all of the hurtful things they have said and done to us. If your kids cannot appreciate what you have done for them and the fact that you are still tolerating their sorry. ass...let them go!!! Life is too short!! And as far as the grandkids, hell let them go too. Adult kids and grandkids are a package deal, if you let one go, you got to let the other go too. Holding on to grandkids is like waiting for a bus that's never gonna come, cause your adult kids is driving the doggone bus... and all you are going to end up with is a broken heart that can't be mended. You got to move on. Let go of the crap and the memories, find a way to empty your mind and your heart even if you have to go through grief counseling to do it. This is about you! your life, your happiness and your health.! Remember, you got more years behind you than in front of you. They have already taken enough years of your life and filled it with hurt and pain, it;s senseless to give them anymore!! Once you walk away, don't look back until they prove that they respect and appreciate you and more importantly that they are worthy of your love and until "YOU" feel truly honored to let them call you "MOM" or "DAD" until then....keep it moving.
    By the way. I was told that grandparents.com has kids that would love and feel honored to have grandparents like you. This may not be what you want, but it;s a heck of a it better than what you got with your kids. Just like the previous writer said...It;s time to bail...and free your self!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Than you Marie. It is just becoming an emotional roller coaster and time as they say to get off. As I said in previous reply we have one daughter left and another grandson. I am hearing what you are saying about the other grandkids these are the things I have been going over in my head about. We will always love them and I will try to find a way to reach them but as long as my spiteful child is their parent they will never be needing us anyway. they will not miss out on having grandparents at least they still have my son inlaws parents, who by they way were never the best parents either. Morals and values are being lost in this selfish world that is evolving. I will take your advice and seek some counselling.

      Delete
    2. you know what, most of us didn't come up under ideal parenting. Most of our parents didn't talk to others about parenting issues. They just did the best they knew how. Most of us turned into productive respectful adults DESPITE the stuff they did. In my circle of influence we all HONORED our parents flaws in all. We included them in our lives and gave them access to our kids. I raised a son with BETTER parenting than I received. Perfect parenting, no, but I did a lot more for his self esteem. I tried my best to be loving. He was NOT abused, he was not spoiled. But he turned on me in his 20's the likes I had never witnessed. He had MORE opportunities than I got, or my siblings were given, but he felt that he deserved more. I refused to be disrespected. Because I was NEVER disrespectful to my parents. He married into a sorry family with tons of dysfunction. I warned him it was a BAD choice, then I held my tongue. I was not gonna bail him out. Because I figured he was adult, and he was given the tools to be responsible for his own choices. I couldn't watch the horrors of the manipulation, control, dysfunction of the inlaws or his bride. That was his life and I bowed out. I figured since he married at 20, he would wise up with experience. He didn't. I walked away because I couldn't stand to see the drama, chaos, etc. I mourned the loss of a child I thought would be something special. He evolved into a worse version of them. No regrets on my part. It is his life, I chose not to watch him destroy it. He is raising girls, they are like their grandparents. That saddens me, but evil begets evil. So many in my peer group have the same journey. Seeing your kids raised with standards, values, etc. Then they chuck everything to be with dysfunctional situations. It makes no sense, but all you can do is grieve the loss. The lies told about me, that have gotten back to me are mind boggling. I never caused any issues, I stepped away from a very ugly situation. But to hear it, I was evil incarnate for abandoning my son and not accepting of a dtr in law. When that girl lied to my face countless times in church I knew there was no hope for my son. I didn't want anything to do with her or her manipulating family. That doesn't make me a bad person, that makes me an astute person. Who protect herself from bad situations. It will be interesting to see if his kids turn on him. I was the best mom I knew how to be. Somehow it wasn't how my son viewed it. You can't force your child to like you, include you, etc. NO amount of counseling will change that. There are a lot of us that weren't crappy parents but our kids are crappy people.

      Delete
    3. you know what, most of us didn't come up under ideal parenting. Most of our parents didn't talk to others about parenting issues. They just did the best they knew how. Most of us turned into productive respectful adults DESPITE the stuff they did. In my circle of influence we all HONORED our parents flaws in all. We included them in our lives and gave them access to our kids. I raised a son with BETTER parenting than I received. Perfect parenting, no, but I did a lot more for his self esteem. I tried my best to be loving. He was NOT abused, he was not spoiled. But he turned on me in his 20's the likes I had never witnessed. He had MORE opportunities than I got, or my siblings were given, but he felt that he deserved more. I refused to be disrespected. Because I was NEVER disrespectful to my parents. He married into a sorry family with tons of dysfunction. I warned him it was a BAD choice, then I held my tongue. I was not gonna bail him out. Because I figured he was adult, and he was given the tools to be responsible for his own choices. I couldn't watch the horrors of the manipulation, control, dysfunction of the inlaws or his bride. That was his life and I bowed out. I figured since he married at 20, he would wise up with experience. He didn't. I walked away because I couldn't stand to see the drama, chaos, etc. I mourned the loss of a child I thought would be something special. He evolved into a worse version of them. No regrets on my part. It is his life, I chose not to watch him destroy it. He is raising girls, they are like their grandparents. That saddens me, but evil begets evil. So many in my peer group have the same journey. Seeing your kids raised with standards, values, etc. Then they chuck everything to be with dysfunctional situations. It makes no sense, but all you can do is grieve the loss. The lies told about me, that have gotten back to me are mind boggling. I never caused any issues, I stepped away from a very ugly situation. But to hear it, I was evil incarnate for abandoning my son and not accepting of a dtr in law. When that girl lied to my face countless times in church I knew there was no hope for my son. I didn't want anything to do with her or her manipulating family. That doesn't make me a bad person, that makes me an astute person. Who protect herself from bad situations. It will be interesting to see if his kids turn on him. I was the best mom I knew how to be. Somehow it wasn't how my son viewed it. You can't force your child to like you, include you, etc. NO amount of counseling will change that. There are a lot of us that weren't crappy parents but our kids are crappy people.

      Delete
    4. @Marie..My thoughts are the same as yours.. Your reminding me to write my bucket list..I love your post

      Delete
    5. @Marie..My thoughts are the same as yours.. Your reminding me to write my bucket list..I love your post

      Delete

  7. interesting blog. It would be great if you can provide more details about it. Thanks you.

    Kids Essential Set

    ReplyDelete
  8. Since September 2015 I have been dealing with the issue of an adult child wanting to move back in because he can't manage his own life. I have a gut feeling that it would be terrible for everyone else in the house, and wouldn't help him learn what he needs to learn to mature. Sticking to my guns has caused huge problems between myself and my husband. I have experienced all sorts of guilt and misgiving. But I've also searched the internet for advice to help me put my gut instincts into words that I can explain to my husband and I've found it. Search with phrases such as "The difference between enabling and helping an adult child" and you will find a lot on the subject that will help you hold your ground and say no to an adult child who is using you as a crutch to avoid taking responsibility for their own life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My 32 year old daughter wants to move in with me. She bounces from house to house, relative to relative until no one wants her to live with them. She makes messes and half-ass cleans them but makes a bigger mess when she cleans. She has serious mental issues and everyone on her dad's side, does too. She only goes to Holistic doctors(?) who just want her to buy their products instead of prescribing her meds for adhd and bi-polar. I try very hard to do the tough love thing--in fact I have since she was 10 and needed it but grandma swoops her up and becomes the savior. Then it's big, bad mom. She moved to Oklahoma but came back yesterday afternoon. Everything was going just fine until she came back. Now the chaos has begun. I told her and her sister that if they had such a bad childhood then why don't they just leave me alone. I have had it!! Life is too short to go through this bs whenever she wants her command performance.

      Delete
  9. I'm so glad I found others that have the same issues. I really need a support group. I have a son that is so abusive he cusses at me and screams and yells at me when I wont follow 'his rules' or give him what he wants. I have cut him off financially and now I have a grandson that he uses as a pawn-you will never see him again-and he's only 2 months old and has said this 4 times- when he doenst get his way...BUT let someone else "do him wrong" or he NEEDS something and he's calling to want my help and sympathy. The other night I was baby sitting and because I didn't put his girlfriends daughter to bed right at 9:00 and 'do it their way'-they have some hokey ritual they have and they let her cry herself to sleep-they yelled and cussed at me when they got home and then sent me all kinds of profanity texts. the little girl and I were playing good and she was laying on me like she wasn't loved enough and I didn't want to put her down. besides...how many grandmas really follow the rules? we are supposed to be fun. but after this episode I cannot take anymore. I loved the saying above about getting off the bus. I really want to seriously get him out of my life. I hate saying that about my son..but he's totally toxic and the girl he is with her parents don't want him around and have issued a criminal trespass warning on him at their house. so he's burning the bridges from both sides. so just any correspondence on how anyone has handled their kids after something like this-is all I am looking for. just a place I can feel like I belong. I get tired of seeing all my friends happy loving kids when I have a kid that verbally abuses me because I wouldn't put a child to bed. my MIL did worse things to my kids...like cut their hair with out my permission and I was expected to take it. I don't get it. I just feel so depressed that my son acts this way.

    ReplyDelete
  10. One more with a similar story.

    I have stopped communication until we can speak without anger.

    I have doubled up on Tai Chi and meditation and exercise and outdoor time.

    I am coming to terms with possibly never seeing my grandchildren again.

    Mainly, I am trying to stay in my "God" space and fill my life with love and joy, so if she chooses to have a mutually respectful relationship, all will be well. If not, then *I* will be well.

    Balancing love, acceptance and boundaries is a challenging practice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen! I made a decision to disconnect from a toxic brother recently and that has brought other toxic relationships to light, mainly that with my 31 yr. old daughter! In short, I'm setting boundaries and taking care of my health! This will be an adventure!

      Delete
    2. Yes, it is an adventure all right! When you have problems with family members then the other family members look at you like ... "What is wrong with you!" when they have no clue what is going on. I have to take care of me now. I am 58 and have many issues with my health and do not need toxic relationships at all!

      Delete
  11. One more with a similar story.

    I have stopped communication until we can speak without anger.

    I have doubled up on Tai Chi and meditation and exercise and outdoor time.

    I am coming to terms with possibly never seeing my grandchildren again.

    Mainly, I am trying to stay in my "God" space and fill my life with love and joy, so if she chooses to have a mutually respectful relationship, all will be well. If not, then *I* will be well.

    Balancing love, acceptance and boundaries is a challenging practice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I to am having issues with my daughter who I always had a great relationship with until she married a control freak... he does not like how close we are... he has made it so difficult for us to have relationship and now with my 2 yr old granddaughter they use her as a tool to keep me in check with the husbands rules of how much time we can spend together or talk on the phone.. and now since they are in counselling she basically cuts me out unless I am fake and pretend everything is Ok, I'm sure the counselor not knowing the truth is giving incorrect advice... and as grandmother I can't step out of my role or they take the baby away ..I never treated my parents so disrespectful... These 30 somethings need a serious ass whipping in my opinion.. so I just stop communicating.. as I informed her I am a grown woman and will not be told what I can and cannot say or do by them just to see my daughter or granddaughter.

      Delete
  12. So thankful to have found this group. The big Blow out for my 32 year old daughter happened last Thursday. I have removed her from all social media sites, blocked all phones and text apps and I just need to be reassured that I have done the correct thing. The struggle is real and there is nothing worse than having a child who has so much anger towards you and will not admit to why. After a call I received from her last Thursday being accused of something that I did not do nor would ever do, I finally determined something had to change and if she truly believes I am that horrible of a person...she should not want contact from me. We have had a strained relationship for most of her entire teenage into adulthood life. She left home when she was 16 and even after being returned by the police many times still continued to run away because..she didn't like the rules. Like, do your homework, you have a bedtime, I will know where and who you are with at all times, etc. She said I was controlling when in reality I was trying to keep her safe. I have apologized over and over for her thinking she had such a horrible childhood and to be honest I have even apologized for no reason and simply to get along. Thursday during her outburst of screaming and cussing I found myself lying on the bed, seeing spots of different colors out of my eyes and my heart literally feeling like it was coming out of chest. That is when I made the decision to cut off all communication until she gets the professional help that she needs. When I have suggested she get maybe her hormones checked she goes into the outbursts that I am the one that needs to have mine checked. I am at my wits end and need someone that has experienced a similar situation to chat with. I really need to stay strong this way or I feel I may really have a heart attack. Not trying to be dramatic, just truthful. Have I made the correct decision?? Please help keep me strong. The guilt gets to me and she is my only child and then I fall right back into the same pattern. Thanks so much for listening to my ramble.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you are doing the right thing for you. What kind of relationship did you really have(none). You had become her punching bag, no her mom. You have to step away from the stress or you will pay the price in the end. The only chance things might have a chance of getting better is by you stepping out of her life and see if she wants to change. Things were only going to get worst if you stay. Life is to short, who wants to always be on guard as to when the next blow up is going to happen. You cant change her you can only change you. Go and enjoy your life.

      Delete
    2. What is up with that age and generation. .dont get me wrong my daughter is a awesome mommy and never did anything bad ..a good girl ..but she is so mean to her mom

      Delete
    3. You can always talk to me. I am going through the same thing and need to vent to someone myself. If you want to e-mail me I will give you my phone number. I am a Christian lady and am struggling with 2 adult daughters who treat me bad. I do pray for them and try to stay close to God. He gives me strength! Thanks for sharing your story. My e-mail is helenschumaker@gmail.com

      Delete
    4. Helen I added your email to my gmail. Mine is christine.m.lalley@gmail.com

      Delete
  13. My 35 year old son and I are in a toxic r/ship.It started when he said he wished I was not his Mother and he only stayed in contact with me out of a sense of duty. I relieved him of the duty.I have missed the birth of my first Grandson and almost missed even knowing of my seconds Grandsons arrival. It all started to go wrong with us when my son regained contact with my abusive ex. My ex husband had emotionally abused me and basically gaslighted me for 12 years. He then went on the beat my older son up when my older son lived with him. My younger son became very toxic after spending time with my ex. I met my Grandsons for the first time last Tuesday. My son and his wife made a big deal about how they were coming especially to begin for me to get to know my grandsons. It turned out they were actually meeting up with my ex and his partner for an holiday up the coast from me and popped here for a 4 hour visit. I arranged to meet them outside because my son was very critical of my home and I said he could not come back in 4 years ago. I have only seen my grandsons the once but due to the lying I have told my son I want to end the contact again. His Father use to lie and I just cannot accept my son lying over and over. I feel like I am back with my ex of 22 years again and feel all the bad feelings returning. We had 14 years of relative stability and my son was not too bad. He lives 250 miles away and so I did not expect I would see much of him but he is now married. I was not at the wedding and my eldest son was not there either. He wishes nothing to do with his Father who neglected him and beat him when he was 17 and yet his brother had his Father and partner and half-sister to the woman my ex married after me. He is now divorced from her and on to his 5th relationship. I have never bothered with another live-in partner I needed to heal. I now do not really know who my son is or who I am constantly trying to make understand that I have my rights. It is a horrible time and I looked at my son on Tuesday, I had not seen him for three and a half years and he 'looked' so much like my ex, his Father. I felt uncomfortable because of the visit being based on lies. I loved meeting my grandsons but came home after the visit and wrote an e-mail to my son breaking contact once more. I cannot afford to love my grandsons in case my son uses them against me. I know he could. It hurt my knowing he was driving almost past my door to take my first grandson to see my ex and his family. I am doubting it all and it is terrible to not trust your own child. He replied to my e-mail saying I was wrong, but I know I am not. I was not going to reply and then I did and it just ends with me writing long e-mails trying to explain when really I should just say 'Get on with it' and go back to the way it was. I have to be crazy to even put up with some of the things he has done and said to me since resuming contact with a Sociopath for that is what his Father is. I have had 5 years of hell with this now. I am looking to find ways to cut contact again and not be blamed and there is no way for he blames me but will not say why he wished I was not his Mother or he turns it round on me. Hell on earth.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sorry. I meant to say my ex of 22 years ago. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to hear of all this. I definitely can understand your situation as I have been in a toxic relationship with my children since they were young. Unfortunately due to cheating and strip clubs, I ended my marriage when the children were 3 and 4. I stayed friends with my ex for the sake of the children but out of resentment for the divorce, I was told by my ex that he would turn the children on me. He sure did a great job! I started my single mother life in a very nice, clean, beautiful, (best in the community), mobile home. The payment was cheap but I still had soaking tubs, fireplaces, the works, very nice. My 3 and 4 year old would come back home telling me how I was trailer trash and would never be anything more, and that dad said I would never find anyone better. This continued each week until the age of 18. Also during this 14 year period, dad called the police and social services on me multiple times (each time I tried to have a date) and accused the date of raping and sexually touching my daughter. This happened to several men and it put a damper on the relationships until they dissolved. Fast forward to age 20 for these kids now and I have helped them furnish an apartment and helped pay their security deposit and have driven them around thousands of miles to make sure they had college books and classes and I bought them a car which was apparently trashy also because it was not new. No matter what I do for these kids, I still get the ignorant trashing from their father and the adult children seem to be acting as if they could basically do without me. I moved all the furniture to the apartment only for my daughter to turn right around, quit school, quit her job and run off with a guy to the beach. I now had to rent an expensive uhaul to empty the place and clean it. The place is trashed and my security deposit money will be gone for sure. I am tired and have been getting treatment at the doctors for lupus and fibromyalgia symptoms. I feel like I'm dying and no matter what I do for these children, it's not enough and means nothing to them. I have the long emails trying to explain things to them also but the problem is that they truly don't care. I feel like I have robot children with no emotions. They would not flinch if their lies and deception landed me in jail tomorrow and their father would have a good laugh that he finally destroyed everyone over the divorce just as he promised. I have walked away and hope I made the right decision. Since I walked away, my daughter decided to start talking to my ex again whom she did not speak to in a year but is suddenly getting money from him now.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  15. Thank heavens for common sense. At last an article and replies that doesn't tell you as a parent to " be the bigger person" or stick around for when your child realises their mistakes.
    Having being used, insulted and was in line for the " Conform and agree to what me and my husband want or say along with his family or you won't see your grandson". We took action.
    After being hurt so deeply by our daughter, we knew we had to walk away or we were inline for more of the same. We believe our daughter is in a controlling emotionally abusive relationship with her husband and his parents. They manipulate, guilt trip and blackmail to get what they want regardless of the cost to anyone else. Our daughter is going along with it all at our exspense. When yet another stunt had been pulled, we were in insulted yet again, we tried to get her to see things from our point of view but she wasn't having any of it. In the end and after many tears and upset, we decided enough was enough. We walked away.
    Everyone thinks we are terrible parents for "abandoning our daughter" especially as we be live she is in an abusive marriage, but our point is, we cannot help her. She won't let us. She loves her husband regardless of what he asks of her and in turn this leads to her offending and hurting us on belhald of her husbands whims. we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
    It made my husband and myself I'll. Panic attacks, sleepless nights, stress and worry. Enough was enough. It wasn't easy walking away but we refused to be emotionally blackmailed anymore and walked away.
    It's a relief to know we're not terrible parents, but some websites and articles tell you to hang around, be there when it all goes wrong, be the bigger person and just be happy you have a healthy daughter and grandson. TWADDLE! There is nothing healthy when your heart is being broken and you are constantly being blackmailed. As I said to my daughter, we asked nothing of you, it's your husband and his family that are making the demands. Reasoning and explaining why you feel like you do doesn't work.
    Take the power away from them, walk away and stay away is my advice. Our. Daughter has been told " she knows where we live" if she ever needs us but she won't come, not for a long time, if ever, but the offer is there. For our own sanity we walked away, it was hard, we felt guilty at first, strange not having her in our lives, but two years down the line, we are happier and healthier for not being their emotional punchbag. We refused to be her husbands and his family's play thing all facilitated by our daughter and we refuse to be blackmailed by grandchildren, even though it broke my heart to only hold my grandson when he was first born and that was it. Our daughter knew and so did her husband how excited we were at being grandparents for the first time and they thought they could use him to make us bend and walk the line to their tune. We tried for months to get her to see sense but only abuse and " you will do as we want and act how we want or you won't see your grandson" was hurled at us.
    It's a sorry state of affairs, not at all how I thought things would be and it's sad and sucjh a waste that our grandson will never know us but life was impossible the way it was.
    I'm not worried about her, she'll be fine and has a little one to look after so she won't have time to worry about us or how we feel and I'm afraid that's exactly how we have to be. Get on with the tray of our lives and try to put it all behind us. I know one thing, I would walk away again if faced with emotional blackmail over grandchildren. Sticking around is too hard, walking away eventually gives you peace. My advice, get out as quick as you can and stay away from toxic adult children. You will never be good enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why is that particular generation so difficult and demanding it is not easy when you are working grandparents and working i mean alot of hours ..and there is no time left for each other let alone make it to games and stuff .me and wife hardly get to see each other a few hours a week ..its just so difficult i wish they could see how it is. . And whatever happened to them doing the visiting out of respect. ..back n the day my /our grandparents never visited but we visited them ..its just so different now and its not what i would call fair at all

      Delete
    2. Why is that particular generation so difficult and demanding it is not easy when you are working grandparents and working i mean alot of hours ..and there is no time left for each other let alone make it to games and stuff .me and wife hardly get to see each other a few hours a week ..its just so difficult i wish they could see how it is. . And whatever happened to them doing the visiting out of respect. ..back n the day my /our grandparents never visited but we visited them ..its just so different now and its not what i would call fair at all

      Delete
    3. I do believe that! You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I wont be good enough for either of my daughters.

      Delete
  16. Those grandkids you feel for more than likely won'the give a darn about you when all is said and done. My 2 grandsons never has a birthday or Christmas in which I didn'for foot the bill. As soon as the expensive tech gifts stopped and they became teens I never see or hear from them again.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I trust no-one now. I keep to myself and answer to no-one. I have bipolar and will not allow anyone to hurt me psychologically
    I have a imbalance in my brain that van do that. According to my ex husband I am still on a asylum
    I have shocked a few people he had told that to 23 years ago. One guy saw me at uni when I was doing a degree. It hurts thatu son does have a relationship with the man wjo said that
    The man who neglected him and brats his brother up
    I do not understand it. It is about disrespect to me. I gave the most in all ways and like most of you I the one who is being trashed
    No more though
    These are adults now and if they cannot show respect then best they are not in your lives
    Let them go and protect yourental wellbeing that is too high a price to pay - believe me. Take care all and remember we cannot all be on the wrong
    O think we just gave too much and now they are using the love against us
    That is disrespectful very immature. Their problems now. Thanks for sharing everyone xx

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thanks for the rely. It's great to know that we're not on our own and have awful experiences.
    As you quite rightly said. Leave it all behind, stay out of it all and protect your own health. It becomes less painful with time

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thank you. It's a difficult situation. Being a parent is a thankless task sonetimes. It's essential you get some peace of mind, it does make you ill. Hopefully, one day, our daughter will realise what she has done. She is a mother herself now and as a parent she will soon learn you can o let do your best and if that isn't good enough for them, there is no more you can do. No one is perfect, but you can't beat yourself up forever. Life is for living and you have to get on with it. Keep smiling and think of positive things, always look for the good things that happen and stay away from negative thoughts. It helps eventually, it just becomes the norm in the end and leaving all the rubbish behind becomes easier to deal with, little by little. Let's all keep plodding on. There is nothing in the parental hand book that says we have to trudge around and be responsible for adult children forever. Let them learn the hard way eh?

    ReplyDelete
  21. To friend.
    I could think of nothing better. I would love to move but due to elderly parents I do t feel it's an option at the moment.
    We have considered just selling up and going. Seriously considered it. It would certainly be an option. Maybe in a year or two as unfortunately with my daughter, no amount of distance will ever make her look at things. It's a an odd and complicated situation.
    We think in the long run we will disinherit her. No amount of talk or threats will ever change what she has done and she certainly isn't interested in. Holding any bridges. 4 times we have tried and each time she uses the grandson as a weapon. She is sadly mistaken if she thinks she can blackmail us with her son. What you never have you never miss as the saying goes. It's tough, un-necessary and so wrong but we are very tired of trying to make her see sense.
    So moving away would be great! Maybe in a year or two it can be a realistic option for us.
    Kids! Who'd have em eh? What a waste of our lives. Should have stuck to a career. Much safer and less demanding and draining.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I have for years struggled to understand what went wrong in my relationships with some of my adult children. Today as I read thru the postings on this blog I realize that I am not alone. I have lived with the belief that I somehow damaged my children. For some time now I have struggled with the decision to discontinue my relationships with my adult children mostly because I could not believe, understand and come to grips with what was happening in our relationships. I also held on to the belief that mothers never give up on their children. All I can say is that it hurts me to my core. I do believe that I deserve to be treated with the respect, honesty and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this very insightful and knowledge filled blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Joan, I'm so glad you found this post helpful. Wishing you peace.
      Christyn

      Delete
    2. I have come to the realization that Where we went wrong was being too good of a parent. Our generation has spoiled our kids to the point where they do not value anything due to we are the ones who work and sacrifice to get it, not them. This generation basically cannot even sympathize or empathize with anyone or thing but a pic of a puppy or meme on social media site. If I am sick or even in the ER they still expect me to give them money, pay their utilities and be a babysitter. They never ask if there is anything they can do to us help out. Just forget them- it's them with the problem. Parents with unappreciative disrespectful adult kids need to redirect all their energy and attention to taking care of themselves...These adult kids seem to know all the answers even though they need outlet help bailing them out every day. Cutting the cord is only solution for me to every be stress free and well rested.

      Delete
    3. Joan, I feel your pain, I too a young mom at age 17 made so many mistakes but I gave my kids life. Had to let go too... Codependency is a heartbreaker. Prayers for you.

      Delete
  23. you are absolutely doing the right thing. you have tried loads and got your mind into a state with it all. She needs you more than you need her, so be confident that you are the parent and she is the brat. Its a horrible feeling to admit dislike for your child but thats how you feel right now and she's go to earn that back. Remember, its her problem, not yours. You just carry on and be busy with your life. Take up new interests if you can, it will build your esteem, which I'm sure has been drained by her. you are someones daughter remember, what would your mum tell you to do if someone was making you miserable. Imagine you are 10 ears older, what would you say to yourself looking back at this. be strong, theres loads of us out here.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have 4 girls. The oldest is one with my 3 grandkids. My husband and I have literally done every thing possible to provide a good life for them. Nothing is ever good enough. No matter how great of times we have they insist on sitting around having some bash my parents meeting--twisting the truth in order to justify their current wrongs doings. Holidays are not fun--they are laZy. They expect me and their to do all the work and watch the grandkids and they literally sit there on their phones or making rude comments about how long we are taking because they are hungry. When they have money they spend it on tatoos, pot, nails, booze, or $200 sneakers. Yet have not bought me a Christmas gift or even each other one since I have them the money to buy gifts. I do not get a Mother's Day gift, my husband no Father's Day gift-- not even a card. Yet we have have done nothing but sacrifice for them all their lives. Putting them in sports and driving all over the country and back so they can have a future. We have spent thousands of dollars and so much time and energy on these kids that my health has declined due to not taking care of myself all these years. The most disgusting thing--they do not care. Not one bit. They are selfish and disrespectful disposable human beings. I just want to know where I went wrong---they think they are entitled and we owe them something just for givin birth to them. We have went above and beyond what is required of parenting. Will they ever grow out of this??? I'm so sick of their crap I changed my will. We will leave the little bit of money that they didn't go thru to a charity that helps children who appreciate it!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband and I are going to leave my 2 daughters out of our will also. It will all go to my son. When I told them that, they sure were mad at me! Instead of saying sorry for all their bad behavior, they say "I don't want your money anyway" "what do I have to do... Kiss your ass for it?" What kind of daughters say that? Well, they wont get it for sure acting that way!

      Delete
  26. A lot of the comments hit the mark; however, what does a mother do when a daughter feels that she must set the boundaries???? She, like the others, feel somehow that I "did her wrong". I know that I didn't do everything RIGHT but who does?? She emails, calls sometime and I have not seen her in person in 8 years. She does not live around the corner and lives in another state. She is single, works for a moderately large company and is high up on the strata. She also travels internationally and locally. I have (in the past) offered to fly out to see her and have invited her to visit me; however, NO MORE. I have been married to my current husband for a bit over 13 years and do not have a great marriage. That is neither here nor there. I have thought that because I have had several marriages that that is why she feels angry. Because of her attitude, I have gone through anger, feeling sorry for myself, disappointment and distancing myself to some extent, except for emails, and rare phone calls. To some extent I can relate to what all of you are saying.

    ReplyDelete
  27. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hello out there, so glad I stumble across this website and reading the comments. It gives me great comfort to know that I'm not alone. I have a daughter who is 32 has been her boyfriend who is 34 for 15yrs, they have two girls, my granddaughters . I have made the mistake of helping them for over 11 years. Things don't work out they just get up an moved constantly. This is the second time they have showed up at my doorsteps no warning saying they have no where to go. I stood there not knowing what to do. So I let them in and told them they have two weeks to get it together and figured it out. I hear talk between them and now telling me, they are not sure if they can do it in that time. I had a stroke, trying to take care of myself, here I am with two adults two grandkids and they also bring two cats and a pit bull dog. I'm losing it. I can't do this anymore, can't give them the time they need to get out, my daughter has to face the reality that she will never have the life she wants as long as she is with this man of hers. So last nite Nov. 25,2016 I'm going out of town, they need to leave, not safe to have them in my house as they don't show any respect for my things. I told them , I'm sorry but this trip was planned, you have to go and stay at a hotel. I don't want to see my grandkids go live in a motel, but I have to stop being codependent to my adult child. The stress in all of this is going to kill me, have to let go and put in God's hands. I wish everyone on here the very best.

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is for the person who said "to hell with these selfish kids who rode i on their high horse" absolutely brilliant. Ive printed that off and carry it everywhere and read it when i fell upset and weak. Its true, every single word. Im actually doing it and my ungrateful brat is starting to show signs of respect. But hey, I'm not gonna give in just yet, just like it says, "when I'm 100% sure i have the respect i deserve will i even consider any kind of relationship. I feel great. thank a million! xx

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thanks for wonderful encouraging feedback in disrespectful adult kids. Gives me the courage to do what I have to do.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm reading these and I'm heartbroken by what our children do to us.My daughter is 22yrs old my grandchild is 2yrs old.She works full time.In fact I got the job for her after she just decided out of nowhere to quit her first job
    If I didnt put my foot down she'd still be living free in my house,eating and bathing free.She wouldnt bother to help in anyway or contribute anything in the house until I told her to move out she started contributing.
    As I write she is now telling everyone that I'm an unsupportive mother.I dont rest.I come from work to collect the child from a day care,come home I must first bath and feed the child before I'll cook for me and her.
    She comes from work to a clean house,well cared for baby and cooked meal.On weekends I'm the one staying home with the baby while she's at work.In the morning I prepare and take the baby to a daycare but in the end she calls me unsupportive.
    Recently she buys stuff she wont use and give to her Aunt but find she hasn't bought anything for her child.
    SHE WONT CLEAN OR EVEN DO WASHING,I do al that
    I've been going through the idea to let her go,in fact I've already told her to leave my house.I want my freedom and peace of mind

    ReplyDelete
  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I'm blown away after reading all of the comments. I thought I was alone but I'm in every single response. I'm divorced after 20 yrs of marriage. My ex husband and I are still friends. The children are horrible and a huge disappointment to us both. They were never raised in a hateful home, yet they are full of hate and a sense of entitlement. I am the reason their lives are dreadful. Like all of us on here my children's comments are not only blantant lies it's almost like they believe the lies. I hate dating and having to tell any new man that my children are not around. I feel people look at me as if to say, "what did you do wrong to make your children so horrible". I know many young mothers who look at me as if it's my fault and it hurts so much. But in the back of my mind I see me in them and now the loving child they have was just like my loving child. Thank you for all your honesty. It's time I started living each day as the happy person I am, and walk away from these hateful strangers who once were my beautiful children.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I have a read a. Book recently about adult children abandoning their parents. It's an eye opener.
    The message came loud and clear from this book. Don't wait for your child to wake up one day, for it to suddenly "click" what they have done and lost as it will never happen.
    These adult children have tendancies towards sociopathic and pschoparhic traits. Not the book says it is definate. We have hey do not have the same thought processes or empathy for others so waiting for them to see the life is a waste of time. They will never see what they have done, that's why they appear to believe their own lies. They often have personality disorders or mental health problems.
    In our case, with our daughter, we had a third party intervener. Her husband and his family. In our opinion he has psychopathic traits and cares nothing for how others feel, intact he finds it amusing and goads people into reactions for sport. You cannot reason with people like that and our daughter backs him every time. She has told so many lies she can't remember what she has said. So we're taking the advice from this book. Do not wait for them to see the light, get on with your lives. You had one before the children and you can have one again.
    Accept what has happened and stop trying in vain to chnage it. They won't listen. In fact they then believe even more they are riight in what they do or say or why would you be bothering to try and patch things up? They think you have a guilt complex or justify your efforts as u admitting you have the problem not them. Bizarre behaviour but we have witnessed this first hand.
    We had a life before the children and we will again. We refuse to take responsibility for our adult daughters betrayal, lies and nasty behaviour. We know it's not the way things should be but we will not be her emotional punchbag anymore and we are making plans without her and our grandson.
    It's sad but the truth. We cannot make her see sense. We cannot argue or try to make her see what she does and says as she doesn't have the thought processes we have. In her world we are the baddies and she will make us pay. Usually by emotional blackmail and the grandson. Not any more. It will never work again and we have had to learn this the hard way. Do not go looking for answers or re-running conversations through your head of what's been said or done. It's pointless and it perpetuates your angusih. Accept the terrible situation for what it is. You cannot change them and you cannot make it right no matter what you do. Get some peace of mind. Stop looking for answers and do t live in hope that it will fall into place for them as it won't 99% of the time. As for the other1% , I don't intend to spend my life hanging onto it It's rare for them to see the light and regret their actions, especially if they do have some sort of personality disorder, even if very slight.
    There is hope but you have to make it happen. Focus on the good things in your life,make plans and try extremely hard to move forward. The key is acceptance. Don't hanker after things that are not there and don't look for answers in yourself. You are not to blame. You just did the best you could as a parent. You do not deserve this and to prove it you will start living again instead of dwelling on everything that has happened. It's not easy but acceptance of the facts and not searching for answers is the key. There are no answers so do t waste your life looking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Wendy! Can you please share the title of the book. I have some idea that my son has a personality disorder, BPD, though not diagnosed. I think the book would be a big help! Thanks a bunch for your insights here

      Delete
  35. This comment is for Wendy: Please tell me the name of the book you read. I just have been going through so much with my son. His accusations have gotten far worse of late, now that his girlfriend and he broke up. It has been a hellish nightmare. I think that reading the book will help me. Thanks for your honest post, Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
  36. My husband and I have simular problems with 3 of his adult daughters. There is so much disrespect and they blame him for having me in his life. They aren't shy about expressing hate for me and disrespect for him. My 2 adult daughters are shocked about how they treat us. We have disengaged from them for 7 months now. The drama of disrespectful behavior and tantrums has been going on for over 9 years. I can't take it anymore. Every few months we get a nasty message from his youngest and we have ignored them all. We ignored and made excuses for their behavior for 9 yrs. Now we aren't playing the emotional Rollercoaster with them Amy longer. We have done so very much for them especially the youngest (31) who treats us the worst. I must admit we are enjoying the peace.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Just to say. The book iIread was

    Abandoned Parents, The Devils Dilema.
    Causes and consequences of adult children abandoning their parents
    By Sharon A Willdey -2014

    I found this on my kindle/Amazon

    ReplyDelete
  38. I needed to read all these posts for my own sanity. Im about as stressed out as I can get.
    I let my daughter move in with me 3 years ago, at 33 years old hoping it would help her get a foothold on life.
    It has been a total disaster. I have discovered that she is a master at manipulation. Has anyone else figured out how to get the abusive adult child out of the house? I gave her an ultimatum...rehab or homeless...she refuses to budge. She got a job suddenly, but says its working in home, and wants to set up an office for a new boss...she screams at me day and night, drunk and high on who knows what. I am sleep deprived at this point, with my heart beating irratically, and blood pressure pounding. I told her this, and she said I do it to myself.
    At this point, I dont like her as a person, and need to be free of her toxic self.

    ReplyDelete
  39. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  40. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Please don't fall out with your husband. As easy as it is, the goal for some children is to conquer and divide. Our daughter was close with her father and she would do things to cause an arguement between us.
    Having being lied to and betrayed by our daughter, my husband found it difficult to reconcile the nasty adult child we have to the lgirl he remembers. I refused to speak to or see my daughter whereas my husband had a very hard time doing this. I told him, he must do what's right for him. My only condition was don't tell me if he speaks with her or sees her. I don't want to know anymore.
    Needless to say, he did see her, he did text and speak with her. The result?? More of the same.
    She wasn't interested in reconciliation , just having a pop and trying to emotionally blackmail us. I always told my husband she would be like this. He wouldn't here anything for weeks or months then he would contact her again.
    In the end I contacted her eventually and asked if she was in the right place to discuss everything that had happened but she insisted we went to a counsellor. So we did.
    Absolute waste of time and money. She was even more obnoxious. Her problem is with me as I say it like I see it. I call her out on her silly stories and lies. I ask her difficult questions. The result was she hurled spiteful hurtful and nasty comments at her dad. As we went through this process I liked her less and less. Thankfully so did her father. This process finished it. He realised she isn't who he thought she was. He too has. Now walked away but I had to let him try to build bridges, contact her and engage with who he thought was his daughter. I just didn't want to know the details as I knew it would end badly.
    Our daughtwra husband and his family have unbelievable amounts on influence on her. I'd like to blame them for all of this and to an extent they are. However our daughter walked their family path willingly. I believe she enjoys playing the victim. As I said to her, mug on her forehead and doormat on her back but she likes it that way, for now.
    I had to let my husband see it for himself. I didn't want him to see or get in touch with her but he did. She would have loved to cause problems between us but her manipulative ways didn't have an impact.
    Try to find a way to stay out of it. Tell your husband he must do what he thinks is right for him but not to tell you anything as you believe it's the best way. That you don't want to know anything about his daughter etc. Nothing would please them more than for you and your husband to be taking chunks out of each other. You have accepted how things are and though you hate what they do to your husband, remember. Conquer and divide. Don't let it happen, it would give them so much power.
    My husband and I have a fantastic relationship. Always have had and I wasn't letting our daughter put us against each other. She tried but she failed.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Mine are all in their 30's...all 5 of them anmyI have 16 Grands. I've learned the hard way that they play "Poor Me" for as long as I allow it. I was cornered on my last visit by my now 35-year-old son about an incident when he was 8 or 10. He wanted me to apologize (although I still believe there wasn't another choice) so I did but that wasn't enough he wanted me to hurt...Sorry Charlie! That story is 25-years old and we put a lot of thought into what was a very difficult situation for a once very difficult little boy...and IT WORKED! STOP SLEEPING WITH SNAKES AND ENJOY THE LIFE YOU HAVE! Plus his wife is NUTS and he really needs a 2 bedroom apartment on the other side of the county. Just my opinion.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I am in the same situation, I have two daughters 36 and 40 who have cut me off from all ties with them and my grandchildren. I have been grieving the loss of my daughters and my grandchildren until I started reading about scapegoating and gaslighting . I have been emotionally abused and blamed by my oldest for her childhood . I have done everything I could to make things better and my health is poor and these two could care less. I have come to the conclusion they have no conscience and therefore I will continue to live my life and be happy!!

    ReplyDelete
  44. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I am so happy to have found this forum. Two daughters, 27 and 33. I can't even begin to start keying in my whole story...much the same as everyone here. All I know is trying to get these two of mine to 'see the light' of reason is like bashing my head against a wall. And their step dad is sickened, just sickened by their behaviour towards me, the guilting, namecalling, hateful, rude, vulgar, demanding, manipulating, verbal and emotional abuse they project in me constantly!
    I've tried to distance myself with no texting or Facebook etc but I always am the one to run back because they have my most precious hearts, three grandkids who I've been very involved in their lives from day one.
    It's gotten so bad now that no matter what, I need to release them. The bonds with the gkids are formed so I am sure I will still have them in my life, thankfully.
    The best advice I gained from this thread (and all I've read has helped in their own way) is this:One more with a similar story.

    I have stopped communication until we can speak without anger.

    I have doubled up on Tai Chi and meditation and exercise and outdoor time.

    I am coming to terms with possibly never seeing my grandchildren again.

    Mainly, I am trying to stay in my "Good" space and fill my life with love and joy, so if she chooses to have a mutually respectful relationship, all will be well. If not, then *I* will be well.

    I changed 'God' to 'good' because that makes more sense to me personally but what amazing words! This is my mantra from this day forward I live by that. I can only change myself and I am the key to my own peace and happiness.

    Balancing love, acceptance and boundaries is a challenging practice.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Very good article, voiced from the parent's perspective. However, the tone I am seeing in several of the comments is "us parents are the victims, our children are spoiled, ungrateful brats". As an adult child with a strained relationship with my mother, I can tell you that many adult children are not simply heartless and abusive, often choose to limit contact with their parents against their own wishes (it tends not to be an easy decision due to love for their parents), and usually do limit or eliminate contact due to some form of abuse or neglect (whether it be emotional, physical, or sexual) at the hand of the parent/parent's partner. And from the comments (many parents feigning oblivion and victimhood at why their children behave in such an angry way) it seems as though many parents who find themselves in this situation are the same type of clueless, emotionally invalidating, possibly personality disordered parents that mine are (which led me to feel intense anger). Adult children are not just going around looking to terrorize their parents. You raised your children, and though you may be tired of hearing it, you are largely responsible for your child's maladaptive behavior-that's just the reality. I know for me, I have an emotionally immature mother who ALTHOUGH loving in her own way, put the needs of herself and her sociopathic partner before her children, and was perpetually emotionally invalidating and neglectful. She apologizes often now for unpleasant behavior, but continues to do it, often expressing confusion at my anger. I have years of pent up anger against her and it comes out when she triggers me. Afterward I feel bad and apologize, but lately I have stopped doing that, once I realized she manipulates me that way, acting hurt to avoid owning up to her behavior. I've come to a point where I am tired of being manipulated, parentified, and invalidated and so I have chosen to limit contact. I wonder if many of the parents commenting here have actually tried (not just claiming to) apologizing to their children. A lot of us are still so angry because our parents have taken to feeling sorry for themselves rather than actually apologizing for the behavior that has formed our emotional difficulties, and then actively trying to change it. Accountability goes a long way. A lot of us would just like to see that you care. Do we need to fix our own issues as adults? Absolutely, and no amount of poor parenting is an excuse to stay in a place of abusive behavior. But you as the parent must admit that the behavior comes from somewhere. Stop lamenting your children's attitude toward you and face why they hate you and make it right. Using my example, my mother has apologized for some of the things that she has done, but to this day does not understand how badly her actions have affected me, and has a completely delusional perspective of how she performed as a parent. If you patronize or invalidate your children, they will not respect you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't know your situation. Are you a mother? Do you have children?
      In our case we had a really good relationship with our daughter until she married a man that controls her, manipulates her and puts in line behind his own mother, father and his siblings. She doesn't come first, his mother does.
      We have 3 children and they are all so very different. Our daughter enjoys playing the victim. She gets a kick out of all the attention and she plays the doting wife to the point it is sickening. She has confused abuse by her husband with loyalty to her husband.
      Children these days seem to think it's their right to apologies. Well we don't live in reality TV and you can't have everything you want in life. Plenty of people have awful upbringings but it doesn't mean you can abuse the people around you just becamuse you can. People are demanding apologies all over the place. Apologies have a a place, don't get me wrong but as parents, it's trial and error. No one gets it right 100%. Why can't people accept that some decisions are wrong and you do regret some things you may have said and done but to spend the rest of your life repenting? Get over yourself. That's what the world is like. We're are human and people make mistakes. If you have had a terrible life or upbringing, then you may have cause to reflect and want answers but in our daughters case, this isn't it. She couldn't have been more loved and the sacrifices we have made for our children , all of them is immense. we were not selfish parents and our children always came first and then to betray us is disgusting. The trouble is in this world is adult children want everything for nothing, but the world isn't like that. Most people are plodding, doing the best they can with what they have. We refuse to take the blame for our daughters behaviour. Why? Because this is about power. She had a child and she then turned the old blackmail card on us. We went to counselling as that's what she wanted. No she didn't. She wanted to tell us how dare we abandon her. How dare we disagree with the way her husband treats her. She wasn't looking for reconciliation, she wanted us to tow the line or we don't see our grandson. She was demanding apologies for everything too. She wanted an apology for walking away from her and our grandson. To take all the crap she could throw at us and stated, I won't ever do that to my son. We pointed out. She doesn't know that yet, he's only 3 and when he is an adult and is treating her like dirt, like her husband,what will she do? Apologise for being his mother? No one should have to apologise for being a parent but kids these days think it is their right. Grand children enable toxic adult. What wonderful parents they will turn out to be eh? In had fall outs with my parents. Who doesn't but then we apologised and moved on. Or we didn't apologise and still moved on. I'm sure we all have stories. It it's up to us if we hang onto it or not. Adult children these days just want a punchbag for all their woes and then play the victim when they don't get what they want. You have one mother and one father and even with all their emotional baggage, all their mistakes, all their errors of judgement in the past, and anything else these kids want to drag up, make the most of them as when they are gone they are gone. Do not use the guilt trips and grandchildren to ' get your own back'. That's a power trip. I would never have dreamed of disrespecting my parents the way our daughter has to us. They were not murders or child abusers, they were people with all the emotional hang ups all of us have as human beings. Who made you judge jury and executioner? As parents we don't want plaudits and gestures of thankfulness, just to be treat decently and for our feelings to be considered too. Now I don't think that is too much to ask for. This blog is for parents releasing their pain and moving forward and not apologising for existing!

      Delete
    2. You spoke a parable. I could close my eyes and hear my blessed mother who passed away almost two years ago say these exact words. I have two prodigal daughters in college who have turned their backs on us, who no longer live in our home but with "significant" others they have allowed to destroy their lives and in turn trying to destroy my husband and mine. I have been happily married for almost 22 years and my girls have grown up in a loving,Christian environment..not perfect but with two parents who love and adore, respect and cherish each other and have done just the same for our children. I grew up with four men in my life and yet my mother stayed by her childrens side as I did hers as well and in the end it was only my mother as her last husband had passed before her and she was living with us and I stayed right there for her until the very end and I was the one who went to check on her and just dropped to my knees when she did not wake. I miss her so and though she did not make the right choices with her marriages, I knew she loved us and always cared for us. She would be devastated if she knew what her grandchildren have done to themselves and to us. I will no longer allow the manipulation and mind games and I will now focus on my health and my husbands as we have done our job in raising them. They have allowed their "significant" others to destroy them but they will not have the same opportunity for my husband and me. They want me to apologize for not accepting their bad behavior and want the gifts but not the giver. Well they want to take on intense adult responsibilities just barely out of high school and into their first years of college, then they can take the consequences for their actions.

      Delete
    3. QUOTE:
      "And from the comments (many parents feigning oblivion and victimhood at why their children behave in such an angry way) it seems as though many parents who find themselves in this situation are the same type of clueless, emotionally invalidating, possibly personality disordered parents that mine are (which led me to feel intense anger).

      Adult children are not just going around looking to terrorize their parents.

      You raised your children, and though you may be tired of hearing it, you are largely responsible for your child's maladaptive behavior-that's just the reality. I know for me, I have an emotionally immature mother"""


      You poor thing!!

      Let me tell you about my mother:

      First I want to say that I never talked back to her, never blamed her for my problems even though I was hurt, and was mature enough to appreciate the kind of childhood SHE had.

      My Mother was the 10th of 11 children, and had an alcoholic father,. I don't imagine she got lots of hugs and kisses.
      I am mature enough to realize that you cannot give what you didn't receive , and she did the best she could,.

      NOW, here is what she said and did to me:

      "if you shut your mouth, your behind would explode.
      Your mouth goes lik a duck's behind.
      Your sister can get more done in a week than you get done in a day (said this until the end, during the last year of her life)
      Your sister played sports in hughschool and YOU didn't!!!
      (I guess she didn't realize I took 2 AP classes instead for which I received college credit)
      ''Your sister use to take her kids to select sports all over the place"
      (so that's why one of her son's had to be sent away to high school with firm discipline, and the other one had a DUI and had to have a breathalyzer on his car, while 2 of mine are in med school?????)

      If I scraped my knee I was allowed to cry, but if my feelings were hurt she mocked me by saying.
      "Look at the crybaby,. She wants attention!""

      Oh and what a great thing to hear as a teenager.
      "I feel sorry for the guy whoever gets you!""
      AND , "when you were in second grade and I dropped you off at Brownie meetings, you didn't even say Hi to the other girls"""
      (I guess not. my self esteem was so low, I felt like a worm). It took years, but I finally grew out of that.

      She never hugged me or showed any kind of affection,.

      AND YET, are you listening, I forgave her, never
      threw it in her face, accused her of being a bad mother.

      instead I focused on the good things she did.

      She loved me the best she could , and did the best she could.

      I bet your Mother did at least a few good things for you. Grow up!!!!!!!

      Delete
    4. Hahaha, I needed to read the adult child perspective of how dare parents stop apologizing for???? Everything and Anything....you're welcome for years of hard work and sacrificing to give our children everything in our power. I personally worked 2 jobs so my daughter could attend private school....my thanks I'm painted as the worst mother in the entire history of motherhood. Ok I can live with that. What I can't and won't live with is the bullying and miserable treatment I've consistantly recieved...apology, no problem just go away now and leave me in peace. See? terrible mother refusing to allow this drama in my home nor my life any more.

      Delete
    5. Wendy, you hit the nail right on the head. Amen!

      Delete
  47. this is interesting to read & all the comments as so many parents seem to want to please their adult kids as so called. Time at a older age to let them go.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Is there a support group available either in person or online for parents of these type of adult children having similar issues?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I always thought there should be one too. Maybe this site is kinda like one but sometimes we need feedback. Hum something to ponder, maybe we could start one.

      Delete
  49. This was almost therapeutic to read. I'm still heartbroken that the child I raised as a single parent and sacrificed for all his life has all of a sudden become disrespectful and wants nothing to do with me... We were always best friends. I feel like all the anger he has for his mostly absent dad, even at 25 now, it all comes back to me... He's unable to take responsibility for his actions and deal with his feelings as an adult. He still lives with me and I even allow his gf to stay because she doesn't have a great family situation. I've been married for only 2 years. I'm 46 and finally thought I'd have the happy family I'd always wanted as my son and husband got along great for years... Now he seems to blame us collectively for his actions... I thank God for a patient husband to come in from the outside and try and help... But right now I think my son just wants to be hurtful... I never saw this coming in a million years... Just trying to cope.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Wish there were. My sons turned his back I us because of is narcissist girl fiend now wife. The kids are held,over our heads to do as she days but her last lit add was too much we had lost a family member, anniversary of u otters passing and my husband is ill with Parkinson's. She flew,into a rage because I did not acknowledge her birthday. Same girl who does,not acknowledge our birth days, anniversaries, Mother's Day, Father's Day. Nor did they call wh they knew my husband went infor Niro,surgery last year and this year when he rec'd his Parkinson's diagnosis, I overwhelmed. Itmismgoing to kill me, but I a, walking away from the kids. Will acknowledge their birthdays but not hers or my sons. Here final insult/ nail nail in the coffin.. They had a baby boy April 6 and I still,don't his name, the venom she spews when thinks don't act how how she wants. I'm totally done , will miss kids, but what can I do. Love will,go,on

    ReplyDelete
  51. Glad I found this.. I am going through all of this right now. In the middle of a nasty divorce from a Narcissists man, who always told me if I leave he would destroy me and take my children... We I wont let him destroy me and as far as my children that he is using against me well the 1st one is 34 and not even his child and she has turned against me calling me dead to her and hates me and my fault I didnt call her when her step brother died .. Well sorry you told me not to call you etc...so I have left her alone and Have no contact with her I will not take her abuse any longer and she made the choice to choose her step father and his family. Then I have a 22 year old son who asked me to walk away from the divorce with zero money.. Crazy their father left me homeless and pennyless and I had to move to another state and the man still tries to get to me.. and I have a 16 son who doesnt talk to me and a 19 year old that moved out of the house and talks to me.. I even get nasty emails from my step kids. It hurts like Hell but I have set my bonderies and in my 50's want to live in peace ...I have learned who ever wants to be in my life they can with respect!!!! I am a human being let alone your Mother. I am no longer their punching bag!!! It feels great, but yes you have to go through the greiving process but you will make it.. No One should have to live their lives abused by any one including children.. Hugs to All thats going through this. I just Pray for them and let God deal with them.. God BLess you all.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hello. I'm new to this forum but so grateful.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Thank you all for all you honest sharing. I too have had many of these same issues with my grown children. I thought if I raised them differently than I was raised (with no love and much abuse and neglect) with Love, Respect, and support the story would have turned out better. I no longer allow the mistreatment, and believe me it took me a long time and health problems to finally put a stop to it. For a lot of it I was blind, I loved unconditionally and did not see a lot of the manipulation till much later. Many people would tell me they were manipulating, mistreating me, but I did not see at all and always made excuses for them. The sad thing is now their children are now affected by their ungrateful, selfish behavior. Often,I am still puzzled as to how they ended up this way lacking empathy towards myself, and others. I did see once in a movie I liked where the mother says"we must remember we are not their only influences" I will try to remember this and keep my distance and my guard up for protection, think good thoughts for them and Pray! Thank you all for showing me I am not alone. I used to see other peoples children mistreating them and said to myself oh they must have been bad parents...LOL but now I know better. This is my first time on this site and I am grateful to you all. Love yourselves and Do not let others mistreat you ever no matter who they think they are. Maybe one day they will finally mature into the folks they need to be, Kind, Loving, caring.

    ReplyDelete
  54. (To Jaquetta): Ditto! I couldn't have said it better myself. You hit the proverbial nail on the head. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  55. This blog has saved me from making another mistake. I'm listening to my heart as I'm done with the abusive miserable drama of being the door matt. Never ever again.
    I was physically battered by my adult daughter for daring to attempt to question her stealing my laptop & pawning, not registering for college nor even trying to get a PT job. I came home after seeing a neurosurgeon to an unrecognizable home a daughter"escorting" probably out of my home, etc etc.... I was hit so hard without advanced warming I ended up in ER, with head injury, concussion & lucky to be alive.....still not enough to give me peace I get nasty emails & text questioning why I can't allow her to RENT my home. Um no thanks I'm done with the daily emergencies, drama, bullying, blaming, LAZINESS, and complete disregard for causing my health to drastically worsen. I'm so absolutely done being the moron who tries to help and help.
    Thank you for sharing your stories, there us absolutely no other way than walking away. God bless

    ReplyDelete
  56. Thank you for this. I needed this. I just went through a gray divorce at 31 years. I stayed the last 22 years for the sake of the kids. I would never ever recommend that. As I look back I was more than likely married ro someone who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When I thought my mother in law was monster in lawing me and he wasn't even defending, was because he was getting his rocks off on it. She was his manipulated flying monkey. Every quiz I have taken by psychology today to see if I was narcissistically abused sits in the 75-80%, and that is leaving sime things out. I still have to co parent the younger kids with him. And he lived on the property. He was bringing a woman around the kids on the property. He would watch the kids in my home, rather than having his own place ( he lives in an RV) He ran us up into such incredible debt and his flying monkey mother gave him a "loan" to pay off our debt. But it was unregistered. And he payed 200 a month more that what a payment should have been. No record ofcourse. Two different bankruptcy lawyers had difficulty letting him file bankruptcy. So what do you think?

    Why am I mentioning all of this? I have some adult kids who have formed some interesting opinions of me.. Atfirst I went on the defense. This was old charges that I was experiencing from having lost and broken relationships due to slander and false accusations in the past. What I am saying is, resist the need to defend yourself or being defensive. Millenials have been treated with alot more tlc gentleness, and indulging than any other generation. Guess what!! This is the fruit of our parenting techniques and all the crappy parenting magazines of the 80s and 90s, and first decade of the 21st century. They lack compassion..and they dishonor us like their is no tomorrow. Lets stop doing guilt and grovelling after them. As parents of middle years we have alot of good and maturity to give to society. Lets take what we would be giving to our kids and give only to those worthy of it. I am as of today setting healthy boundaries and no longer caring what my millenials think of me. We need each to love and appreciate ourselves. Those kids had it so much more eadier than we or our parents did. Enough is enough. How dare they dictate to us who we are, and what we deserve. Lets forgive ourselves for our mistakes and stop throwing the pearls of our guilt becore the swine who will merely trample it under their feet and come after us. Lets let them go!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  57. I'm glad I found this blog. It made me realise we're not alone and that there is only so much you can do and try, short of wearing sack cloth and ashes for the rest of your days, moaning where did we go wrong.
    We didn't. We tried our best. Just because we're parents, doesn't give the children the right to lie, deceive and stab you in the back for never getting that present they wanted at Christmas or the fact you ask questions because you are concerned about them, their actions or the people they are with. Since when does that mean you are a terrible parent, but that's what they would have you believe.
    Best leave them to get on with it seeing as they know everything.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Single Dad Disappointed with Twin Children:
    I want to thank everyone on this blog because it helps a great deal to soothe and hurting parents with adult children. I as a single father raised my beautiful boy and a girl twin children, their mom decided to live her life leaving me responsible to raise them from age two and a half and moved to another city. I have always loved my children unconditionally, treated them with respect and always protected them. I did my best to make sure their had a ongoing relationship with their mother I took the twins to her from 3 years of age until teenagers every holiday every summer so she could have time with them and watch them grow I financially supported them as well. Both of my children graduated from university and are successful 27 year old now and they work together own their businesses. Problem is after they became adults and having some financial independence they started treating me with disrespect and in an abusive manner which got worse over time I have practically given my entire life setting mine a side for them to be successful and have a good foundation in their lives and be productive citizens however the emotional abuse, disrespectful communication display of anger and blame and control has crossed the line I have tried several times and was able to get them in with a therapist but it id did not help because they are excellent in manipulation and distorting the truth and blame everything and their problems on me. I have given my best to be patient and always hoped maybe they will improve , maybe they will mature etc etc. however it never happened. They do not want to hear the truth nor want to accept their faults only blame me for every single problem they have. I have come to conclusion I had to make a decision after sacrificing my entire life for them I am 62 and raising them giving them the best education best living standards they made me feel as if I failed and blamed and emotionally abused me I have decided to walk away because I was draining my energy and I had to move on and that is what I decided to do it is a difficult decision but I agree with one of the posted comments they must learn life and decide if they want to have a respectful and communication without anger and honest and sincere empathy and love in order to communicate with me until than I have drawn the line and will not communicate with them and have zero guilt feeling because I have given them all and than some and I am very disappointed how they turned out with so much effort and sacrifice it is simply unbelievable to me. Thank you for everyone's support in this blog and understanding.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Amazing how many people have this problem with adult children. I have a similar situation of a 27 yr old single mother that depends on me and my husband and her ex for everything she has and does yet me and the ex are treated as dogs. Ill pick up my grandson and she picks him up when she feels like it and comes in with a tude no thank you just a f* you. Spends alot of time in my home yet sits and talks trash to people in my home about me when Im not in the room. We literally have to leave our home to get her to go home. She lays on her back and watches her phone 90% of the time, eats my food and will sleep over and not lift a finger to do anything in my house. Ungrateful, disrespectful. Very disappointed in her. Everything that happens to her is out of our pocket to fix to prevent her from losing her son. Her apt, electric and phone is in my name so she can actually live on her own. Pays it late, has it cut off. Yet Im insane and a psycho if I say anything about it and need medication. I could go on and on of the unacceptable behaviour and craziness she has put us through. Coming to my house and talkin trash has now done it for me. She makes it very unenjoyable for her to be around. Craziness.

    ReplyDelete
  60. I am a mother of 3 children. A 25 yr old son (with a 1 yr old grand-daughter) a 21 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter. I went thru a terrible divorce from their father, and went thru hell and back to start over. After trying to rebuild myself I put effort into trying to rebuild my relationship with my sons. My daughter was and is always respectful of me and understanding. The boys... Another story. I went thru hours of talking to them thru life trials helping financially and trying my best to be a supportive mother. Until.... I met my now husband. In the beginning they were happy for me... (As long as I paid their insurance, hosted dinners, and gave them gifts and attention.) soon that stopped, as my husband wanted to move away, I slowly began to see thru their behaviors, still helping my pulling back, as I pulled back they became more and more abusive to me, name calling and blaming me for their failures, throwing past situations in my face and sending horrible abusive texts to me until, I Had to block them. It hurts terribly to know, I did everything I could to learn to want to live again, and be here for them, only to have thrm reject me after I got better. I now have no communication with my 2 sons, my oldest has me blocked but the younger rarely replies to any messages. I want a relationship, but I don't want to be used and abused. I wish they would put their big boy pants on and get on with the pity party and live life. I'm happy with my new husband, I just wish they would love me too.

    ReplyDelete