Getting Unstuck and Out of the Comfort Zone

I especially enjoy doing life coaching with adults who are feeling stuck in their lives. Each of us has a comfort zone, and if we stay inside it we can get bored, complacent and unhappy. Challenging yourself to learn a new skill or try to get past your comfort zone in a small way can help keep you feeling alive, fresh and growing.

Are you feeling that your world is too small? Expand your world by volunteering, helping others, or joining a cause that you care about. Many of us get too isolated and feel too alone, and being around positive people who care about the same cause that you do will reduce those feelings. Watch less television or do less time with technology and see what you can create with that space and free time.

Taking a class or learning a new skill at any age is a great way to meet other open-minded people, challenge yourself, and build a sense of community in our often too fragmented world. Even after college, I like to see people learn new things or try new adventures. Taking on new things to learn gives you a growing edge. It makes you more interesting. In an classic life planning book, The Three Boxes of Life, and How to Get Out of Them, the focus includes not making the mistake of doing all your learning at the front end of your life. Brain experts tell us that life-long learning and keeping your mind active is critical to optimum aging.

Setting some goals for the summer or the remainder of this year may also help you get unstuck. What's on your bucket list? Is there a trip you want to plan, a bad habit you want to release, or a way in which you'd like to develop yourself so that at year's end you can look back with satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment? What do you really, really want that you could take some steps toward accomplishing?

Get more active. Set your intentions to get outside every day this summer spending time doing something active you enjoy. We think better, sleep better and feel better when we get exercise daily.

Watch what you say to yourself. Most of us have picked up an internal critic along the way who says mean things to us and contributes to staying stuck. Fire that critic. Write down negative internal chatter and counter it on paper. Consciously upgrading your self-talk makes a huge difference. Try to avoid telling yourself you can't, or that you are not good/strong/attractive/disciplined/brave enough.

Don't let fear run the show. If you really want to go back to college, find a different job, improve your relationship, move, get out of debt, travel, or date and find a partner, make a plan and go for it. Notice the fear any time you do something different, but don't let it stop you. Like Susan Jeffer's book by the same name, feel the fear but do it anyway. This is the only life we know for sure that we get, so don't leave unaddressed dreams on the table.

Take calculated risks. Trying new things or going for goals that you have may make you feel vulnerable, but it's also where the good feelings of growth and accomplishment live. If you don't get some rejection or disappointment, you may not be risking enough or aiming high enough with your goals.

Take baby steps toward a goal that you have. Many people fail to meet their goals or get unstuck because they won't break down their goal into tiny little bites. As I often share with coaching clients, we eat elephants one bite at a time.

Do extreme self-care. Think of how you might be neglecting your health, your spiritual growth, your sleep, or any other area of your self-care, and reverse the trend.

Don't live in a world that's too small. Come out of your comfort zone to keep growing and creating the life you want. Get an accountability partner who hears your dreams and encourages your steps towards them, while you do the same for them. There are lots of people who live life in a sort of automatic pilot, rather than challenge themselves to keep growing. Don't be one of them!

Helping Boys Become Men: A Checklist

You aren't born into manhood. It's a process of becoming one. A boy's character is developed over time, and learning life skills and how to handle situations helps. Masculinity, at its best, is about strength, gentleness, patience, loyalty and responsibility. This week as Father's Day approaches, I've been thinking about all the people----fathers, mothers, stepfathers, uncles, coaches, teachers, grandparents and others who contribute to helping boys grow into great men. Sometimes it's Dad, and sometimes Dad isn't available and other people can step in and help with raising boys to turn out well.

I recently ran across a cute book aimed at pre-teen and teenaged boys called The Manual to Manhood: How to Cook The Perfect Steak, Change a Tire, Impress a Girl & 97 Other Skills You Need to Survive, written by education consultant Jonathan Catherman (Revell Books, 2014). It got me thinking about what boys need to survive and thrive in modern life as they prepare to launch their own lives, and later partner and start a family of their own.

So, what do boys really need to know to become great men? It would be helpful to parents to have a quick check-list to work from. Here's a list to get you kick-started, including some of his and some of mine:

1. Master manners/social skills in social situations: how to greet people, meet people, introduce people to others, shake hands, make eye contact, have small talk, open doors, treat wait staff and retail cashiers, table manners, how to calculate a tip. Quiet confidence is appealing, a combination of humility and confidence.

2. Relationship skills with girls: how to show interest in a girl and get to know her, how to ask a girl out for a date, how to plan a date, how to meet her parents, how to have the big conversation about defining the relationship, how to treat a girl with respect, how to break up in a humane way (not by text, please).

3. Figure out how to fix things: change a tire, turn off the water, unclog a toilet, hang a painting, basic house stuff. It's great if you can go beyond this level of skill, but at least do the basics.

4. Learn to do your own laundry, change and wash your bedding, and learn how to iron.

5. Learn kitchen basics. Practice how to cook a few breakfasts, lunches and dinners, how to grill, how to grocery shop.

6. Understand finances: how to save money, earn money, manage credit,set a budget, balance a check-book, and stay debt free. You are setting an example with how you lead your financial life.

7.Job skills-how to apply for a job, work hard, strong work ethic, being punctual, write a resume, get a reference, ask for a raise or more responsibility, how to interview well, how to resign.

8. Maintain your car. Wash it, take it for oil changes, rotate tires and understand car maintenance. A car is a reflection of your self-esteem, so it may be modest but keep it clean, maintained, and take pride in it.

9.Maintain good hygiene and grooming. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

10. Strive to be independent. It's not attractive to be helpless. As a young adult male, you want to aim for doing as much as possible for yourself. (Don't have your parents rescue or prevent you from individuating, instead of manning up.)

11.Respect elders. Treat your parents and grandparents, your girlfriend's parents and other adults with respect, kindness and sincerity. Don't forget the eye contact and firm handshake!

12.Learn how to have conversations: get outside yourself, interview other people rather monopolizing the conversation, don't hide behind shyness. Be interested in other people.

13. Make your word mean something. Keep your promises and honor your commitments. Be a man of your word, so that people can count on you. This includes relationship commitments, so be faithful and loyal.

14. Pick up after yourself. Clean up your own clothes, belongings, and dishes. Learn how to clean the bathroom, kitchen, and how to do windows, vacuum and dust. If your mom still does all this stuff for you, let her know you want her to teach you how to do it yourself.

15. Manage your own stress and moods. Get off the technology and find ways to unwind outside, and be active. It keeps you fit and happier.

16. Develop empathy for others.Try volunteering to develop your understanding about the needs other people have, expand your compassion, and help you see beyond yourself.

17. Be honest and direct. Live with integrity.

18.Learn how to tie a tie. Sometimes you need to wear one, and it's good to know how.

19. Develop your faith and spirituality.

20. Learn to be kind to younger siblings and other young children. You might want to be a dad someday, and it's going to be good to know how to relate and care for children.

I would recommend Jonathan Catherman's book, especially for boys 12 to 15 or so. The concept is a good one. We can all help identify the life skills and character traits boys need to grow into great men,and begin this week helping to teach them. If a boy has a father who can teach these skills it's ideal, but if not, we can each pitch in. Sometimes it does take a village.

If we leave behind us good young men with these skills and values, we make the world better. Perhaps becoming a man isn't about reaching a certain age, but a state of awareness about one's relationship to the world, women, other people, and yourself. Good men are both strong and gentle, and they make a significant difference in the lives of their family. Great men learn to respect, protect and nurture others.

I'm thankful to the good men and good fathers that I know, and this is a good week for us to express that appreciation. Let's help raise more great men, our world needs them.

Try to See It My Way: Building Empathy

I can spot couples who are going to make good progress in couples counseling often from the first meeting. They practice, or are willing to learn several very valuable things. Each recognizes that their point of view is not the only one, and they can put themselves in their partner's position and empathize with how they might be feeling. In addition, each partner can apologize, change their behavior and make repairs as they are needed.

In any relationship, one person is not 'right' all the time. (Even you, sorry!)

Both people need to be able to apologize and ask for forgiveness when it is needed. Healing can only occur when those hurts are talked through. I've seen incredible healing happen in my counseling office between partners and family members when this happens in a way that feels genuine and heartfelt.

One-way relationships build resentment, whether between romantic partners, in a friendship, or between an adult child and parent. The healthiest relationships are reciprocal with thoughtfulness, care and loving behaviors. Relationships get out of balance and are draining when one person is always the giver.

There are often two different perspectives on most situations couples and families disagree about. What matters the most to me is finding a mature, calm and respectful way to talk through differences. (No tantrums, bullying, threats, withholding, name-calling, pouting, etc.)

Understanding the other person's perspective takes stopping to listen attentively from the heart. It takes being brave enough not to shut down or get defensive. Active listening helps a great deal, where you put in your own words what you heard the other person say, without editorializing. For example, "When I was late, you felt hurt and disrespected, and next time you'd like me to be on time."

Traveling to other states and countries always reminds me that the little corner of the universe where I live is just that. There are lots of other places, traditions, cultures and lifestyles. In a similar way, the other people we are in close relationships with have their own feelings, perceptions and needs. They have their own temperament and experiences.The less egocentric we can become about being 'right', and understanding that their are several truths in many situations, the healthier our relationships can become. It also helps as feedback so that we can grow emotionally, by understanding how our behavior is perceived by others.

Try to see it my way? Yes, and let's try a bit harder to see it the other person's way as well. Sometimes there are two rights, and understanding and mutual respect is often more important in relationships than winning.

Can We Be Kinder?

George Saunders is an award winning writer of short stories and children's books, and a creative writing professor for the MFA program at Syracuse University. His tone is often tragicomic and his work often questions consumerism, corporate culture and the role of mass media. Saunders' satirical tone reminds some readers of Kurt Vonnegut, whose work inspired him. Last year, he gave a well-received commencement speech at Syracuse that has just been released as a short, 64-page book called  Congratulations, by the way: Some Thoughts on Kindness (Random House, 2014). It's well worth reading.

Saunders asserts that as a goal in life, we could do worse than to try to be kinder. He recounts how on his biggest regrets so far in life are failures of kindness. In particular, he remembers a girl is seventh grade who was new at school. He wasn't one of the kids who teased her, but he regrets that he didn't do more to stop her suffering. She just moved away. He wishes he did more to stand up for her and be kind.

We remember people who are kind to us. Can you picture the people along your life path who have reached out to you with support, encouragement and kindness? Did it make a difference?

What regrets do you have about not being kind at some time in your life, either through hurting someone else or failing to stand up for someone you could help protect?

Kindness may start out easy, but may require you to speak up, take a stand or do something different.
Kindness can be messy or complicated. It may require you to go out of your way.

Saunders contemplates why we aren't kinder to each other in his book. I liked his ideas. He thinks sometimes we see ourselves as central to the universe, as if our story is the main or only story. (It's not, by the way. Turns out that everyone has their own narrative.) Saunders believes some of us mistakenly believe that we are separate from the universe. Others of us think we are permanent, and will death will never impact us. We actually know on an intellectual basis that all three of these possibilities are not true, but we might like to act like they are.

How can we become more kind, present, loving, open and less self-absorbed?

We can observe our own life history and our own periods of high and low kindness.

We can seek out art, literature, spirituality, meditation, prayer, time with children, or a conversation with a dear friend who is honest with us to reconnect with what really matters.

If all goes well with our development as a human being, we should get kinder as we age and suffer more losses. Hopefully we grow less selfish and more loving, but there is an optional element to this. Aging happens to most people, but emotional maturity is optional.

I highly recommend Congratulations, by the way. It reminds me that the world needs more kind people, probably more than it needs more successful ones.

Difficult Conversations: Let's Be Honest and Direct

Things are so much less complicated and simpler if you are honest in your relationships. Don't wimp out by avoiding difficult but potentially healing conversations. By going direct, you talk with the right person who can potentially do something different in response to your concern. By being indirect and talking with a third party, you triangulate and make any relationship problem more difficult to solve.

In my counseling practice, I often see relationships get damaged when people break trust by not being brave enough to be honest and direct. All grown ups need to develop their courage enough to have difficult conversations that need to happen. While going direct can seem intimidating or scary, it usually works out with a better ending. Being direct, honest, and transparent with those you love makes you respect yourself more, and ultimately shows more care for the other person. It gives them a chance to do things differently with you and perhaps open up with more of their true feelings.

The poet Mark Nepo writes that when we aren't honest it is as if we put on gloves that separate us from the people and events in our life. There is something unnatural coming between us.

When is honesty and directness needed?

• When we are unhappy in a relationship, or feel our most important needs aren't being met.

• When we are hurt by someone's behavior who matters to us.

• When we feel we are being taken for granted.

• When we need to set a limits.

• When we need to do something different.

• When we feel disrespected or misunderstood.

By being honest, we allow the other person to help in making things better, more fun or upgraded between us. It is a shared responsibility to make a relationship vital, engaging and supportive. While it might be scary to be honest, it gives the other person the respect they deserve, a chance to improve things rather than be blind-sided, or just notice that you fade away. Relationships are dynamic and always changing and without healing conversations, the relationship can't grow.

We need to encourage our children to be brave, direct, and honest as well. Whenever possible, help  empower your child to role-play with you, and handle situations directly at school, with family or with friends as it is age appropriate. If you do it for them, they don't get to build their confidence in relationships.

Having the courage to go direct to the person that you have a problem with makes you grow stronger and more confident. As psychologist and writer Barbara De Angelis wrote, "Living with integrity means: not settling for less than what you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values."

In your relationships, whenever possible, go direct and lead with honesty and your true feelings. Being able to master the ability to have difficult conversations with your partner, your parent, your sibling, your close friend or your child is a key skill for building deep lasting relationships. Avoiding difficult conversations causes relationship atrophy and short circuits your emotional growth. Be brave.

Celebrating Mothers (and Others Who Nurture)

There is nothing quite like having a mother or grandmother who loves and supports you. You know they are in your corner. You are certain that they care and want the best for you.

To be a good enough mother, you don't have to be perfect.

Even if you don't get a mother who is loving, life may present you with the opportunity to be that kind of mother yourself, or serve in a supportive 'mothering' role to other young people whose lives touch yours, perhaps as an aunt, a mentor, sister, or friend.

Being a supportive mother takes transcending self and caring as deeply for someone else as you do for yourself.

Mothering takes patience, especially when your child is pushing away from you or testing all the limits at certain developmental points.

Good mothers set limits and boundaries, and set a tone of mutual respect within the family.

Good mothers encourage their children to develop their natural strengths and interests, and try new things. Their belief in us helps us believe in us, too.

Mothering takes endurance and resiliency because there are a lot of days of cooking meals, helping with homework, getting the children up, tucking the children in, meal times, driving to school, sports, and lessons, and a million other little daily routines that are up to you to make happen.

Good mothers teach their children independent living skills all along the growing up years. They foster independence.

Mothers are needed when your child is discouraged, and you try to give them a word of encouragement to pick themselves up and try again.

It is from being loved by mom that many of us learn to attach, love others, and feel safe.

Good enough mothers apologize when they make mistakes. They role model being kind, forgiving others, and forgiving yourself for your imperfections.

Mothers often teach us to recognize our own feelings, and be aware of how our behavior impacts other people's feelings.

Being a mother is a powerful responsibility, and an opportunity to leave the world a better place by the children you leave behind. As Mother's Day approaches, let's honor mothers who made or are making a positive impact, and be aware of the importance of nurturing others when and where we can in each of the lives we each touch. Being a mom can be one of the most meaningful, transformative experiences in your life. It has been for me.

10% Happier

Dan Harris is a reporter for ABC News, and co-hosts the weekend edition of Good Morning America and Nightline. He also just wrote his first book called, "10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works--A True Story"(HarperCollins, 2014).

Harris is a colorful guy. He is brutally honest about his past drug use, his on-air panic attack, the internal dialogue in his head which keeps making him afraid his career will fall apart and he'll have to move to a flop house in Duluth. He openly admits to having been a jerk at work, throwing papers around, and letting his ego run away with him. He seems competitive in a highly competitive business. He copes with reporting from war zones, not completely understanding the impact it's having on him. In one war zone, shots ring out near him, and his first thought is that he hopes the film crew kept the camera running, because it will be great footage for the news.

He seems like a regular guy, and has a nice self-depreciating sense of humor. He's open about his experiences in therapy. He gets assigned the job of being a spirituality reporter, even though he's an agnostic. He ends up interviewing Christian evangelicals, as well as new-age experts like Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle. On his journey, he also gets to meet and interview his Holiness the Dalai Lama. Next, he meets experts in mindfulness and meditation, including Mark Epstein, M.D., who becomes a mentor and friend.

So what does a skeptical, stressed-out, agnostic reporter do with all this information? He tries out meditation, including a 10 day silent meditation retreat. In a hilarious, self-effacing way, he chronicles his struggles to learn to be mindful, and do meditation and compassion meditation. Amazingly, it helped. Harris learned to calm his 'monkey mind' and be more present. He feels he is 'less of a jerk now', overreacting less. In the process, Harris demystifies the practice of meditation.

I liked that Harris is relatable as an average man, and that he gives us an inside view that makes trying meditation much more simple and inviting. He actually breaks down the basic steps of meditation, into something any of us could do for five minutes a day, sitting quietly and focusing on our breath. He encourages the reader to be more self-accepting and less self-critical. If your mind wanders off, just guide it gently back to the breathing.

"10% Happier" is an easy and fun read. His language can be a little colorful, but his inside view of the television news business, and his skeptic's view of the useful practice of daily meditation to quiet our minds and build compassion is well worth reading. His explanation of the usefulness of learning to detach from outcomes, and ask ourselves "does this really matter?" when we are worked up and upset is something most of us can put right to good use. It might just help us be 10% happier, or even more.