Teaming with your College Student for Successful Launching

During the past few years, I've been doing more counseling than ever with college-age students and/or their parents.  I've observed, both from my working with patients, and from my husband and I launching our three into college, grad school and adult life, that this launching phase has gotten harder than it was when parents did it years ago. The job market is increasingly competitive, and the cost of living is so high. For many college grads, there is some disappointment, sadness and loss after graduating and seeing how excruciatingly slow the job search process is.

What can parents do to help their college-age sons and daughters launch successfully? How do we help them grow stronger and prepare real life skills which will help them in the post-college transition?

 Here are some tips for mom and dad:

1. Help, but not too much. Have them do as much for themselves as you think they can do, more each year during college. Have them get their car serviced and maintained, make all their own appointments with professionals. Down shift your parenting.

2. Help them create a budget and clearly define what you are and are not paying for. It's a good idea to begin having them pay one small bill monthly as a way to get started on financial responsibility. Take them with you to a simple financial/budgeting workshop, which discusses not getting into debt. Dave Ramsey has some one-day workshops across the country that are inexpensive and will do the job.

3. Strongly encourage internships, beginning by junior year in college. Ideally, it will make your grad stand out to potential employers to have had several internships for their resume after graduation. At many colleges, no one will bring up this option to your student, so encourage your student to be their own advocate and go visit their academic department office and professors to ask about internship possibilities by spring of sophomore year. Internships help familiarize your son/daughter with the world of work.

4. After the initial first freshman semester adjustment, have your student work part-time a few hours a week. On-campus jobs often pay well and will work with their class schedule.

5. Whenever possible, let them fight their own battles without parents getting involved.

6. When they move back home during or after college, set clear expectations about what you need them to handle at home and how they can fit in the quieter household with mom and dad.

7. Consider having college grads who are living at home and working pay rent monthly so that can get accustomed to it. You can always surprise them with a gift of some or all of the money back when they move out.

8. Remind your student that if they are struggling with a lack of direction they can get career testing done on campus or privately. Most students benefit from getting a battery of career and skills testing done so that they can choose a major that makes sense and will lead to a job they will like.

9. Make your student aware that if they are struggling with adjusting to college, managing their time or studying, balancing building a new college social identity and finding friends, dealing with a romantic break up, anxiety, depression, or loneliness that even a few sessions of supportive counseling can really help. They can visit the college counseling center for a few sessions, or get some private counseling.

10. Let your adult son or daughter take the lead in contacting you. Don't helicopter parent.

11. When they are home, don't do their laundry, clean their room/bathroom, or prepare all their meals. Have groceries, offer some dinners when you are cooking, but don't enable regression into childhood.

12. Praise and encourage self-sufficiency and resourcefulness. If they come to you with problems, do reflective listening, and follow up by asking them what they think they should do to improve a situation they are concerned about.

Parents of college-age students must step in if you believe your student is failing classes, depressed, or anxious to make sure those important issues are addressed. Otherwise, prepare to shift your thinking about the parenting of your adult child when they are in college and preparing for launch. Be a part of the launch, not over-functioning in a way that interferes with their success. You may really enjoy the new adult to adult relationship that emerges. We're really liking it in my family.

A few thoughts on the college transition from my daughter Ally, age 20 and a college junior...

Being an adult to me is handling situations with more maturity and being able to balance your own activities independently. There is a common saying, "Grades, sleep and social life. Pick two." And that doesn't include outside obligations like work or internships! It's important to find the harmony in your schedule and to not get overwhelmed. Students need to work out the right amount of time for friends, family and themselves. As a parent, you can start helping your student schedule their time in high school so they are adjusted by the time they get to college.


As a college student, it is tough to balance being an adult and not yet being financially independent. You are old enough to take care of yourself but not yet equipped with the tools you need to do it. Being financially responsible is a big part of separating from your parents. Working a part-time job is great experience in working hard and staying humble. Minimum wage paying jobs in restaurants and retail helped me respect money and think carefully about where I spend it. Parents can be clear with students about what they are paying for so students know how to spend their money and decide if they need to work. Students often feel guilty taking money from their parents for tuition, rent and outside activities as they don't feel they are contributing enough. Making sure you save and spend responsibility can alleviate some stress and know that you have a lifetime left to repay your parents in other ways. 

Helping Boys Become Men: A Checklist

You aren't born into manhood. It's a process of becoming one. A boy's character is developed over time, and learning life skills and how to handle situations helps. Masculinity, at its best, is about strength, gentleness, patience, loyalty and responsibility. This week as Father's Day approaches, I've been thinking about all the people----fathers, mothers, stepfathers, uncles, coaches, teachers, grandparents and others who contribute to helping boys grow into great men. Sometimes it's Dad, and sometimes Dad isn't available and other people can step in and help with raising boys to turn out well.

I recently ran across a cute book aimed at pre-teen and teenaged boys called The Manual to Manhood: How to Cook The Perfect Steak, Change a Tire, Impress a Girl & 97 Other Skills You Need to Survive, written by education consultant Jonathan Catherman (Revell Books, 2014). It got me thinking about what boys need to survive and thrive in modern life as they prepare to launch their own lives, and later partner and start a family of their own.

So, what do boys really need to know to become great men? It would be helpful to parents to have a quick check-list to work from. Here's a list to get you kick-started, including some of his and some of mine:

1. Master manners/social skills in social situations: how to greet people, meet people, introduce people to others, shake hands, make eye contact, have small talk, open doors, treat wait staff and retail cashiers, table manners, how to calculate a tip. Quiet confidence is appealing, a combination of humility and confidence.

2. Relationship skills with girls: how to show interest in a girl and get to know her, how to ask a girl out for a date, how to plan a date, how to meet her parents, how to have the big conversation about defining the relationship, how to treat a girl with respect, how to break up in a humane way (not by text, please).

3. Figure out how to fix things: change a tire, turn off the water, unclog a toilet, hang a painting, basic house stuff. It's great if you can go beyond this level of skill, but at least do the basics.

4. Learn to do your own laundry, change and wash your bedding, and learn how to iron.

5. Learn kitchen basics. Practice how to cook a few breakfasts, lunches and dinners, how to grill, how to grocery shop.

6. Understand finances: how to save money, earn money, manage credit,set a budget, balance a check-book, and stay debt free. You are setting an example with how you lead your financial life.

7.Job skills-how to apply for a job, work hard, strong work ethic, being punctual, write a resume, get a reference, ask for a raise or more responsibility, how to interview well, how to resign.

8. Maintain your car. Wash it, take it for oil changes, rotate tires and understand car maintenance. A car is a reflection of your self-esteem, so it may be modest but keep it clean, maintained, and take pride in it.

9.Maintain good hygiene and grooming. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

10. Strive to be independent. It's not attractive to be helpless. As a young adult male, you want to aim for doing as much as possible for yourself. (Don't have your parents rescue or prevent you from individuating, instead of manning up.)

11.Respect elders. Treat your parents and grandparents, your girlfriend's parents and other adults with respect, kindness and sincerity. Don't forget the eye contact and firm handshake!

12.Learn how to have conversations: get outside yourself, interview other people rather monopolizing the conversation, don't hide behind shyness. Be interested in other people.

13. Make your word mean something. Keep your promises and honor your commitments. Be a man of your word, so that people can count on you. This includes relationship commitments, so be faithful and loyal.

14. Pick up after yourself. Clean up your own clothes, belongings, and dishes. Learn how to clean the bathroom, kitchen, and how to do windows, vacuum and dust. If your mom still does all this stuff for you, let her know you want her to teach you how to do it yourself.

15. Manage your own stress and moods. Get off the technology and find ways to unwind outside, and be active. It keeps you fit and happier.

16. Develop empathy for others.Try volunteering to develop your understanding about the needs other people have, expand your compassion, and help you see beyond yourself.

17. Be honest and direct. Live with integrity.

18.Learn how to tie a tie. Sometimes you need to wear one, and it's good to know how.

19. Develop your faith and spirituality.

20. Learn to be kind to younger siblings and other young children. You might want to be a dad someday, and it's going to be good to know how to relate and care for children.

I would recommend Jonathan Catherman's book, especially for boys 12 to 15 or so. The concept is a good one. We can all help identify the life skills and character traits boys need to grow into great men,and begin this week helping to teach them. If a boy has a father who can teach these skills it's ideal, but if not, we can each pitch in. Sometimes it does take a village.

If we leave behind us good young men with these skills and values, we make the world better. Perhaps becoming a man isn't about reaching a certain age, but a state of awareness about one's relationship to the world, women, other people, and yourself. Good men are both strong and gentle, and they make a significant difference in the lives of their family. Great men learn to respect, protect and nurture others.

I'm thankful to the good men and good fathers that I know, and this is a good week for us to express that appreciation. Let's help raise more great men, our world needs them.