Confidence Rising

I love the combination of confidence and humility as character traits in people. How do we help nurture these qualities in our children? How do we build them in ourselves?

Our sense of worth is not static. It's dynamic and can go up or down based on events and our choices and responses to what happens.

Self-confidence is made up of self-efficacy (feeling capable), and self-esteem (a general sense of being able to cope with things, compete when necessary, and having a right to be happy).

If we have a high sense of self-confidence, we will do what we think is right, even if we are criticized for it. We will take healthy risks, and go the extra mile to achieve something. People with healthy amounts of self-confidence and humility will admit mistakes and learn from them. They will accept compliments with a 'thank you'.

Individuals with a low sense of self-confidence will modify their behavior based on what others think. They will stay in comfort zones and avoid risking. They may cover up mistakes or extoll their own virtues to others, or dismiss compliments altogether.

You can't get confidence from a relationship. You have to develop it individually.

Getting experience helps boost confidence, which is why it can take thousands of hours in a newly launched career or business to feel that way. It is normal to feel insecure at anything when you are just starting out. Preparing well for things, like business meetings and presentations, will help increase confidence.

Continuing in adulthood to learn new things and master new skills is important to aging well and staying mentally active. Some highly self-confident seniors I know have learned lots of things after retiring, like yoga, sailing, Pilates, foreign languages, meditation, advanced degrees, and serving others through volunteering.

Being assertive is another key component of self-confidence. You need to be able to effectively say 'no', and set boundaries and limits with others. You need to be able to speak up on your own behalf, and not let anyone mistreat you.

Confident people seek out others to spend time with who inspire, uplift, and encourage them. If you are trying to strengthen your confidence, spend less time with others who are negative and critical.

In building confidence, it's important to evaluate your strengths, weaknesses and your accomplishments so far in life. What are your ten most meaningful accomplishments so far? What are the ten next things you'd feel good about accomplishing? How can you take some baby steps to address your own weaknesses so that would make you feel more confident? Discuss this question with someone close to you who can offer suggestions.

Create intergenerational friendships, so that you have friends of all ages. It can help your confidence to have emotional support, and others to ask for wisdom who have been where you are.

Confidence is different from arrogance. Arrogance hurts relationships, because it assumes you know everything or know better than others. Being confident should have some humility mixed in it, so you know you don't know everything, aren't afraid to ask questions, ask others for their input or perceptions, and readily admit mistakes and learn from them. Confidence doesn't require perfection.

Extreme self care helps build confidence. Exercising, being active, and doing things you enjoy all help promote confidence.  Getting enough sleep, changing unhealthy habits, eating well and taking care with your grooming all strengthen it.

Take on projects you might have been procrastinating on. Clear your desk. Organize and beautify your surroundings at work and at home.

Acting with confidence will help, too. Stand tall. Smile more. Reach out to extend a handshake or greet or acknowledge others.

Manage your negative self-talk by watching how you talk to yourself. Be grateful, and express it. Don't whine or complain. Speak more slowly. Focus on solutions, not problems. Acting confident can help build confidence. Don't ever tell yourself you can't have or be what you really want. Don't limit yourself. Make a list of things you've been tolerating and make plans to get past them.

Living in a kind and generous way can build confidence as well. Volunteering and doing things to help others makes a person less self-conscious and more confident, too. Say 'yes' to invitations from others whenever you can to make your world larger.

Raising capable, confident children is also easier if you reflect same qualities.

Self-confidence can always be strengthened. As author Mark Victor Hansen wrote, "Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions. So what? Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident, and more and more successful".

Making Friends With Yourself

Nobody is born disliking themselves. Along the journey growing up, far too many people develop the habit of making themselves miserable by becoming their own best and constant critic. I recently read a new book by Anneli Rufus called "Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself" (Penguin Books, 2014) which has valuable ideas for each of us, no matter the level of your self-esteem.

If your self-esteem is diminished, who stole it or what lowered it? Your parents may have projected their own self-esteem issues on you, but you have a choice about rejecting those old messages and not carrying them forward in your life with you. Picture yourself now looking in the window of your childhood home when you are about age 4. What do you see? What are you doing? Are you by yourself? Are you with family? What is the four year old you doing, seeing, hearing and feeling?

These early memories may connect you with your authentic self before your self-esteem took any hits. If there was abuse or anger in the home, it may remind you of how you began to be at war within yourself. Either way, you can choose to return to your birthright--- being at ease with yourself and others and authentically your unique self.  I remember that line on a decorative sign I saw recently: Be yourself, as everyone else is already taken.

Rufus explains the unhealthy habits that people with a sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem develop. Here are the things we should stop doing in order to heal past wounds in this area and start
nurturing our own esteem:

1. Telling lies.

2. Apologizing too much, including for things that we had nothing to do with and weren't responsible for.

3. Indecisiveness, or difficulty making choices.

4. Ruining our own fun, by worrying even when something wonderful is happening.

5. Acting. Many people feel they have to "fake it" in social situations or in relationships rather than being authentically yourself.

6. Being stuck in the past.

7. Deflecting praise.

8. Being perfectionistic with ourselves.

9. Difficulty saying "no".

10. Hating our bodies.

We can stop these habits or reflexes that entrench us in lower self-esteem by reversing each behavior. Be honest. Stop apologizing for errors that you didn't make. Savor joyful moments. Be you. Be gentle with yourself. Stay in the present, knowing we have all made mistakes in our past. Accept compliments graciously with a warm smile and a hearty "thank you". Say 'no' and set boundaries. Let joy sink in. Appreciate your body and be gentle with it by treating it well. Speak up and express what you want and what you prefer.

Realize that everyone has weaknesses and strengths. So do you. You can decide not to spend any more time on self-loathing talk. Making peace with yourself and becoming your own best friend is all about realizing that you've usually done the best that you can at a certain time in your life. All any of us can really change is what is happening now. Cultivate your strengths and your quirkiness. Set your intension to be as kind to yourself as you would to a dear friend or family member you love.

Self-loathing, Rufus writes, is at the core a kind of prejudice against yourself. Most of us wouldn't judge anyone else as harshly. Think of all the wonderful things you could do on the planet without wasting energy on harsh self-talk and low self-esteem. It may be time to update your internal hard drive if it's critical and harsh. Choosing to shift from being your toughest critic to becoming your own best friend is an important first step. I  recommend burning your membership card to the low self-esteem club, and Anneli Rufus's book is a great way to start.

Don't Box People In (Yourself Included)

The words we say to ourselves and to the people we love are very powerful. The simple task of becoming more aware and catching yourself boxing people in can cause wonderful changes in your day-to-day quality of life. Let me give you a few examples.

In a relationship with someone you care about, never tell them, "you never......" or "you always......" It makes the other person feel like giving up. I normally stop couples mid-sentence in couples therapy and ask them to rephrase the statement about their partner. It can make a huge difference with your partner if you tell them "you never spend time with me," rather than the more encouraging, "I really like it when you spend time with me, let's work out a way to spend more time together playing."

Keep hope alive in your relationships, by using solution-focused words, rather than blaming statements. It helps to comment on relationship conflicts in a mutual way, for instance, "Let's not fight like this. How about we both cool down and begin again later?" Try your best to make "I" statements, such as "I like", "I don't like", etc., rather than "you" statements, i.e. "You are being sarcastic. You hurt my feelings, etc. Don't tell other people how they feel or what they think. Each person deserves the respect of having their own thoughts and feelings, and it's perfectly okay if they are different from yours. A healthy dose of mutual respect and curiosity about the other person always helps here. Even if you have been together for many years, don't assume you know everything about the other person. You don't.

Be careful with your self-talk as well. I have worked with brillant, loving, and accomplished people who are often engaged in hateful internal dialogue. It is important to good mental health to be your own best friend, seeing your strengths and weaknesses in a balanced way. Even something you do not like about yourself can be fit into an affirmation for encouraging positive change. For instance, instead of "I will never meet someone," it would be better to work with a mantra that "Everyday I am becoming more friendly and warm towards others, I am letting people closer and allowing them to see the genuine me." Instead of "I hate my body," we need to replace it with, "Everyday I am becoming more loving and caring of my body, exercising it, feeding it healthy foods, and loving it the way I love the people closest to me."

Words are powerful, and create dynamics and feelings. Make sure your words don't box you in, or the people you care about, so that you can build new and healthier possibilities for tomorrow. All our lives, if all goes well, we keep evolving and developing our skills and our spirit. You dont want to box out all the wonderful possibilities for you to love deeper, and be a happier, healthier, and more mature person tomorrow. Life and people need hope; make sure your language choices allow room for it!