Easing Post-College Transition for Your Child and Yourself

Finishing college is a huge accomplishment. Next comes the post-college transition, which is often more difficult than expected. It can involve your grad moving back home while he looks for work or considers what’s next. After the “high” of graduation, the next chapter can feel like a letdown. He may not be happy to be home and probably misses living independently. Dealing with entrances and exits from the family system can be difficult. Here are some tips that can help your child launch, and assist if he or she decides to re-enter the nest.

Continue reading my article for OC Family here. 

Bittersweet: Youngest Child Graduates

It's a big week for our family as our youngest daughter graduates from high school, ending an era of family life for us. Childhood transitions to adulthood, and the daily part of parenting will change for my husband and I. Over the summer months,our youngest and last daughter will prepare to head off to live in the dorms at college. It seems I got used to the rhythm of family life, and keeping up with the kids was a huge part of my life for the last 22 years. When the first two children went to college, we missed them, but the daily job of parenting, mealtimes, and curfew monitoring continued here on the home front.



When I talk with our daughter, her friends, and my patients that are graduating from high school or college over the next few weeks, it seems that most are feeling some mixed feelings. They are relieved to be finished with papers, finals, and deadlines. They are also worried about finding jobs, how they will do in the next chapter in their lives, and whatever comes next. They worry about leaving friends, and starting over making new ones. They can feel a mix of fear, excitement, pride, happiness, anxiety, stress, exhaustion, and sadness. Theirs is a loss wrapped up inside every graduation: a death of one chapter as a new one is birthed.



The family life cycle helps us understand that entrances and exits are challenges for families.We do well with homeostasis, having a set point for what is normal. When there is a family member joining, through a birth, a marriage, an adoption, or otherwise adding a new person, it takes 3 to 6 months for the adjustment, sometimes longer. Similarly, when a family member exits, whether to go to college, live on their own, separate, divorce, or pass away, it can be hard on a family, and takes some time to find a new rhythm.



"What's next?" is a question we get all our lives. We can eagerly be pursuing a goal, and then when we achieve it, feel a pang of sadness. It's bittersweet to achieve a goal, sweet because you got to completion, but sad because a gap opens where you have to define a new goal, and begin again.



So hug your graduate. Support them. Be there for them as the end one phase of their life, and anticipate trying to find their way in the next one. Don't ask "What's next?,"as they are probably grappling with that question themselves. Transitioning from one phase of life to another is stressful. It can even be hard on Mom and Dad.



Fortunately for us, even though the youngest is heading to college, the golden retrievers aren't moving out anytime soon.

What's Next?

It seems like every time you hit a developmental milestone,you barely get there and people start to ask you,"What's next?" When you graduate from high school,finish college,get married,or have a baby,everyone is curious about what you are planning next.

The question might feel fine, because you've got firm plans for the next steps. Conversely,it might feel like pressure if you don't have it figured out yet.The reality is that most major life passages take us about 3-6 months to adjust to.

It's perfectly ok to take life changes one step at a time.It makes you NORMAL if you graduate from college in this economy and you need to sort out getting a career started,separating from parents,beginning to stand on your own with finances,and shifting from student to adult. When people ask you about your plans,it's ok to say you don't have all the answers yet.(Truth is we never do!)

When you get married, well-meaning friends and family can begin to ask about when you plan to start a family.It's really better to give yourselves time as a couple to adjust to life together before you add the role changes of becoming a parent on top of it.Be sure to prepare your broken record responses for those queries.(Thanks for asking,we'll keep you posted.) While babies are wonderful,they present challenges for couples in terms of staying close,and add a whole new set of stressors.This is another life transition that is better managed without adding in another change concurrently.

It's healthy and adaptive to give yourself a few months to make life transitions.Gather up your support.Identify your strengths. Do extreme self-care. Keep up your exercise and other things that keep your energy level up.Stay in contact with your friends.Give yourself praise for your efforts that lead you forward.Be patient with yourself,as it may take a little to have your next stage of life feel normal.When you get asked what's next,it's quite alright to say,"I'm working on that".Free yourself from unrealistic expectations that you are supposed to make major life transitions instantly,or have all the answers for the next life phase before you live through it.Be sure to pause,breathe, and savor what you are just completing as well.