Trouble with the Curve (Movie Review)

The newly released movie, "Trouble with the Curve," stars Amy Adams, Justin Timberlake, and Clint Eastwood, and it's well worth seeing. Essentially, it's a baseball movie, about an old scout for the Atlanta Braves (Eastwood). He's got some serious issues with his declining health as he nears retirement age. He's being pushed out of his job by all the generation X scouts who use computers to find prospects. Eastwood identifies prospects the old-fashioned way, by sight and even by sound.

The aging baseball scout is widowed, and has a distant and conflicted relationship with his only daughter (Adams).While Eastwood's character is a bit too curmudgeon-like for my taste, it's still a heart-warming story about estranged family relationships, differences in perspective, and the capacity of the human heart to heal relationships, even late in the game.

Amy Adams is genuine, and shows depth of character as an attorney trying to make partner in a male-dominated law firm. Her adult life has been, in large part, a reaction to her childhood wounds. She's been through a great deal of loss, including the early death of her mother, and an absent father. She's admirable in her willingness to dig deep and recognize how she has kept herself guarded and emotionally unavailable as an adult because she holds on to the legacy about loss and abandonment she experienced as a child.

Justin Timberlake is delightful and just the right touch of funny and challenging to both the leads. He is another scout trying to transition his career after blowing out his arm as a pitcher in the majors.

"Trouble with the Curve" works on several levels. It's a touching film about the love of baseball and the human element in the game. It's also a great metaphor for looking at how we each deal with the unexpected curve balls we are thrown in life. In this movie, the curve balls are losses in career and family, aging, disappointment, health changes, and unexpected chances at loving someone again. In life, we all get thrown curve balls. Many things happen to each of us that we never expected, some of them good, and some of them heartbreaking.

"Trouble with the Curve" is a good reminder that choosing to be flexible, resilient, and have your heart made gentler and softer by the unexpected is an excellent choice. You can learn to adapt to life's curve balls, rather than let them take you out of the game. Curve balls, it turns out, are both a part of baseball and a part of life. Adapting well and keeping your heart vulnerable and your defenses down gives you the best chance at batting 300 in life.

Heroes Everyday: Living With Chronic Illness

Imagine waking up in pain pretty much every day, and then chasing pain the rest of the day. What would it be like to lose your ability to do activities that you have always enjoyed, like handling tasks independently around your home, driving yourself places, traveling, or making plans with friends and family? What if you had a chronic, progressive health condition, and your schedule is full of medical tests, doctor's appointments, IV infusion, multiple surgeries, and it's a bit tough to know if you are going to feel well enough to do what you planned for tomorrow?

I know some everyday heroes that are trying to live well despite serious, progressive, and life-threatening illness. I bet you do, too. When I worked for a hospital counseling department, my fellow counselors and I took turns leading the hospital's Parkinson's disease support group, arthritis support group, cancer support group, and Alzheimer's support group. I also did home visits to counsel patients who were confined to home with advanced conditions like COPD, late stage ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease), advanced MS, advanced autoimmune disease, and end stage cancer. What an education in bravery it was for me to walk alongside such courageous people.

I used an exercise I especially loved to teach people about what it is like to age and develop a serious or life-threatening illness. We simulated loss. I had each participant write down on scraps of paper 4 favorite activities, 4 loved people, 4 cherished possessions, and 4 physical characteristics they each liked about themselves. Afterward, I circled the room with a small trash basket, and each time I did so, each person had to tear up and throw away one slip of paper from each category. This action symbolized the multiple losses that people go through as they age, and especially as they deal with serious, progressive illness. Next, I would check in with participants for their reactions as they had to give things up. There were profound feelings of loss, sadness, longing, isolation, anger, frustration, resignation, hopelessness, and detachment. All of these feelings are normal responses to the multiple layers of loss that people experience in facing chronic illness.

Progressive illnesses that are treatable, but not yet curable, mean experiencing one journey of grief after the diagnosis, and then recurrent cycles of the grief journey as the individual, and their family, adjusts each time there is further progression of the illness. Each step downward in mobility and activity means another adjustment. You can be accepting emotionally of your chronic illness,and then be hit hard by the next advancement of the disease which dares to take a bit more of your freedom and ability to enjoy life. Then there is a new adjustment to make.

What helps these everyday heroes who live facing pain and challenge everyday?

1. Keep the stress level as low as possible. Stress exacerbates difficulties with chronic illness. This family member can no longer be burdened with being a shock absorber for the emotional or life problems of family and friends. Set boundaries with toxic and negative people who increase your stress. You simply aren't up for it, and you must protect yourself.

2. Stay as active as you can, as long as you can. This is a good way to channel some healthy anger about the illness. Check with your doctors about what kinds of things you can do everyday. Can you walk down the block every day? Can you do some seated stretches? It can be helpful to have small daily goals that remind you that you are doing what you can to help yourself.

3. Seek out support. Often a big parade of support comes right after a new diagnosis, but dwindles later. One of my longtime patients has had so many surgeries for her condition that she is hesitant to tell anyone. Support groups can be helpful and informative, with other people who have your same condition sharing coping strategies, information about medical advances, and understanding. It can make you feel less isolated. Supportive counseling will also help, so that you can work out your feelings and get help in adapting.

4. Ask your doctor for help with pain management. Speak up and advocate for yourself if you aren't able to sleep, can't manage the pain, or have other symptoms that overwhelm you.

5. Ask others for help. There will be tasks you can no longer do safely or comfortably. Adjust to being okay allowing others who are close to feel good about helping you. Maybe your teenage grandchild can bring in the trash cans, change a high light bulb, walk your dog, or do some errands for you. This reminds me of a children's book I like which tells us "we love what we care for." We allow others to have the loving feelings of helping. You can also have services brought in to your home to help you live independently longer. It can be helpful to have a family member or friend accompany you to important doctor appointments and/or medical procedures.

6. Keep adjusting as the illness progresses. It seems it is a useful framework to keep asking yourself over time what makes sense now. Be patient with yourself. You are in the process of trying to adjust to a new normal, and what is normal will keep changing.

7. Develop your faith or spiritual side. It will help tremendously. It will help give you comfort and meaning.

8. Focus on what you CAN still do. My mom has had a rare form of incurable cancer for 6 years now, but still manages to be a completely emotionally-connected grandparent for our girls, despite all the changes and her diminished physical health. It's just that the granddaughters do the driving these days. It's one of those circular things about life, since she sweetly drove them to lessons after school for many years. Now it's their turn. Keep up your non-illness identity.

9. Set small goals. You need some things that you can look forward to. Whether it's a short trip between chemo rounds, or a much-needed visit with a friend, we all need the petite happinesses of something to look forward to.

10. Consider your legacy. Nothing makes you face your mortality like a progressive, chronic, or life-threatening illness. Mend fences. Let people know that you love them. Send cards. Don't let feelings go unexpressed. Do what you can to organize your household, your financial affairs, and have clear directives to family members about what your wishes are as the situation worsens. Reach out to the people who mean something to you.

If you know some of these everyday heroes, give them your compassion, your respect, and your kindness. Living with chronic, progressive and terminal illness takes tremendous courage and deserves our support. It could be any of us later, because life can surprise us with things we never imagined. All of our heroes don't make the news. Reach out to the ones you know, including those people who strive to keep living and contributing despite serious illness. Chronic illness is something you may have to contend with, but you want to fight the good fight and not let it define you.

Why Are Passive Aggressive People So Exhausting?

If you're picking a team, and you need a team player, try to take a pass on anybody with a passive aggressive personality. They have a personality style, a consistent constellation of personality traits, which exhausts everyone in close range. This includes family members, partners, and co-workers. It's like trying to accomplish the goal with a rogue player who will not work together with you.

How do you identify a person with passive aggressive personality traits? They must have four of these seven characteristics or behaviors:

1. Passively resists fulfilling routine social or occupational tasks.
2. Complains consistently about being misunderstood and unappreciated by others.
3. Sullen, pouty, and argumentative.
4. Criticizes unreasonably and persistently. Scorns authority.
5. Expresses envy and resentment towards other people who are seen as happy, well-off, or successful.
6. Exaggerated and persistent complaints about self as misfortunate. Sees self as always a victim, taking no blame.
7. Alternates between hostile defiance and contrition.
   

All of these traits make me think of the Dr.Phil line,"How much fun are you to live with?" Answer: not very.

Passive aggressive (PA) people create mountains out of molehills. It's draining and exhausting to live or work with them, because they create tremendous drama. It is hard to make any simple request of them because they resent being asked and either stonewall you and "forget" to do the task, or rage at you. When you live or work with a PA person, you learn to do it all yourself because it's so fruitless to ask for help.

Eric Berne, a well-known psychoanalyst, wrote the classic book,"Games People Play" in the 1960s. It looked at the transactions and communication between people, and identified multiple games people play. One such game of Berne's often associated with people with the passive aggressive style is NIGYYSOAB, or Now I Got You, You Son Of A Bitch. It's a form of one- upsmanship where one person is always looking to fault-find with the other person they are in a relationship with. What a nasty game! Who would consciously want to play that?

In intimate relationships, passive aggressive types discount their partner's feelings. They divert and trivialize your reality and your concerns. They look for the negative in you, and in the children. They undermine you in subtle and not so subtle ways. They threaten you. They rage. They don't seem to know how to talk through disagreements in a direct, open, and non-confrontational way. They blame others. They fail to take personal responsibility. They procrastinate. They can't find anything good to say about anybody else.

Psychology researchers and writers believe that the passive aggressive personality has its roots in childhood. Parents may have been unavailable because of drugs, alcohol, illness, or work. One or both of the parents may have modeled handling anger this way. Somehow the passive aggressive person grew up unskilled about how to work through differences in core needs in a calm, open, and non-hostile manner. It is thought that these individuals are often conflicted about accepting authority, developing an interdependent, close relationship with an intimate other, and about sharing control. Sadly, they have trouble trusting. They have difficulty attaching. They create chaos and make excuses, while playing the victim. They don't know how to be positively assertive, or may choose not to. They might like being a bully relationally.

If you are hiring or dating someone who fits this pattern, you may want to limit your liabilities and end it. If you have someone like this that is a family member or already a coworker, prepare to take good care of yourself. Set limits. Write down agreements on tasks. Get to a therapist or coach who can help you build your skill set for not letting this passive aggressive person tear you into pieces. Require that they go with you to therapy to learn how to fight fairly, with openness and respect.

What if this is you? Stop the negative, critical flow of comments. Put yourself on a negativity diet. Begin to point out the good in others. This change alone will make you more pleasant to be around. Keep your commitments. Learn to be direct. Learn to assert positively without rage, threats, and bullying. Work on your fears of being known, intimate, and dependent on someone you love. These are challenges to become a better, healthier person. Why not start today? Only you can take inventory and realize you want to clean up this negative, draining personality style.

When Is Grief Over?

When grief hits you,it hits hard,and it feels like it will last forever.Whether it's the loss of a loved one through death,or the end of a love relationship,grief is an equal opportunity emotion that each of us experience during our lifetime.Grief changes you.

Having grieved a relationship with someone you loved dearly makes a person more tender,more appreciative of the sweet and happy moments,and more aware of the fleeting nature of time.It makes you keenly aware to not let your love go unexpressed.It reminds all of us to stay in the present as much as we can.

Over twenty years ago,I worked with hundreds of bereaved people when I interned at the Counseling Department at a large hospital here in Orange County,California.I got to experience walking beside many individuals as they took their journey through loss.It was an honor to do so. I still feel privileged today to walk beside my counseling clients as they grow through loss.Grief experiences can be very individual,like your fingerprint.There are,however,some things that can be generalized about living through loss.

The amount of grief you feel is in direct proportion to the amount of attachment you felt for that person.Losing a young child,for example,is extremely difficult because a parent and a young child have identities that still are intertwined.This is why one person can lose a sister,for instance,and it will have very little impact because they were not close,while it could be a profound loss for someone else who was quite attached to their sister.

The nature of the loss also impacts the intensity of the loss that is experienced.A sudden death or end to a relationship carries more shock,while a loss after an extended illness or years of fighting before a marital separation,allow for anticipatory grief.Expected loss is still difficult,you just have warning that it is coming,and hopefully have time to express yourself to the loved one you are losing.

Normal grief hits in waves.You can cry and fall apart when you see something or hear a song that reminds you of the beloved.Afterwards the tears pass.It helps to know that you are not depressed,or going crazy.This is grief.Grief does not normally impact self-esteem,like depression does.Remember,tears are good.That's why I have boxes of kleenex on every table in my counseling office;tears heal.

Your family and cultural background also impact the way you experience grief.Certain cultural groups,like Asians and Germans,for example generally show less emotion,and this is true for grief expression as well.Their experience is just as profound,but may be experienced more internally.In contrast,other cultural backgrounds may make the expression of grief more emotive,such as with Hispanics.Your cultural and religious faith may also guide and help direct some tasks of mourning,such as holding a wake,visitation at a funeral home,or the Jewish tradition of placing the grave marker a year after the death.Rituals are helpful with the mourning process.

Any unfinished business in the relationship also will impact grief.Death or divorce mean the end for whatever hopes you had for getting your needs met by that individual,so if it never met your needs some personal counseling may be in order to sort out your complicated feelings about the loss.Then you can heal and go on and pursue happiness afterwards.

When is grief finished? It's a wonderful question. There are subtle changes that over time begin to help you realize you are healing.You begin to enjoy things and people again.Your energy returns.(Grief is hard work for your body and spirit.)You find yourself smiling again.Over time,the healthy resolution of grief involves removing the emotional energy that was invested in the relationship with your loved one,and reapplying that energy in another place in your life.It's been said that grief and loss cause us to break a little,and that's where the light gets in.Loss provides the bittersweet contrast that makes the good times even more precious.

Dealing With Difficult People

Into each life, it seems, a few difficult people must be sprinkled. Knowing how to spot them, and what to do with people who annoy ,or are toxic to you, is an important skill to develop. Effectively managing your relationship with difficult people can lower your sress level, cut the drama you experience, and keep your expectations in check. As the holiday season approaches, many people prepare to spend time with extended family. Sometimes the coming family togetherness brings warm feelings, but for others it means managing challenging personalities all gathered up at your house!

Here are some of the difficult people, profiled for your convenience. Just to be seasonal, let's picture them all around your Thanksgiving table. Got the picture? There are:

1.Negative Nancy-Everything is horrible. I hate turkey. I'm bored. My nose hurts.

2.The Energy Vampire-What can you do for me next?

3.The Critic-I'd give that pumpkin pie 2 points on a 10 point scale.It's not like Mom's.

4.The Dumper- Shall we sit down and talk some more about my problems?

5.Touchy, Touchy- I am easily hurt by everyone at any moment. Can you all walk on eggshells please?

6.Mr. Perfect- I can never ever apologize, because I have very little insight, a big ego, and I prefer to blame others rather than look at my part in any situation.

7.The Bully- And for my next act, I think I will intimidate everyone else here for the holiday, because I like to run the show.

8.Miss Fussy-Is there butter in that? I can't eat butter! Can't we have some other kind of vegetable? I don't do peas.

9.Scrooge- I can't possibly contribute anything to this gathering. I hate holidays and get-togethers. Bah Humbug. Can't wait until it's over, and I can crawl back in my hole.

10.Misbehaving- Don't mind me, I'll just be here telling inappropriate and off-color jokes.

We could go on and on, but you get the idea. It is helpful to identify the challenging people in your life, and rehearse a strategy for coping with them. First,
anticipate the contact. Make a plan. Can you manage the contact in some way that you keep it light, use humor to diffuse the difficult person, or put space between you? I have often encouraged my patients, over the years, to rechoreograph gatherings with difficult family members in a new way. Can you meet at a restaurant, so noone does dishes, and you can leave and not feel trapped? Can you go for a walk before or after the meal? Can you organize a card game or board game that will redirect the conversation in a lighter direction? Can you organize an activity or outing that gives everyone something else to focus on?

Perhaps your difficult person is at work, or is your spouse. Don't give up your personal power. The size of our character is determined by the size of the things that upset us. See if you can find ways to step away from someone who is frothing at the mouth with toxic content. Keep a sense of humor. Acknowledge their point and change your focus to someone else. Seat yourself next to people you enjoy at get-togethers. Shift the placecards if needed.(I give you permission.) Move about to find someone who makes you laugh or lifts you up! Smile and step away from toxic people, knowing that prolonged exposure will bring you down.

When necessary, set your own boundaries. We are each responsible for training other people how we want to be treated. We are allowed to not answer some questions, not share everything, not feel close or safe with some people. You can be nice and move along. Seek out YOUR people.

Have realistic expectations for the difficult people in your life. Preplan options for handling expected bad behavior, and keeping your own sanity and grace. I always like having choices, because it takes you out of a childlike or helpless role and makes you an active participant about how you wish to deal with toxic people and behaviors. You will feel proud of yourself for not letting the bad guys win.

How Do You Self-Soothe?

When you have had a difficult and challenging day, what is your plan to comfort yourself? It's occured to me lately that eveyone needs a strategy of their own to cope with their daily angst. There are good ways and bad ways to self-soothe. I see children who need tools to bring down their stress level with their parents' divorce,and teens who need strategies to deal with challenges with friends, academics, getting launched, relationships with family and the opposite sex. Adults are also in need of self-soothing strategies that are healthy. Everybody needs to be in charge of learning how to get calm and centered.

If you can't self-soothe in a healthy way, you may live life in a keyed-up style that is terrible for your physical health, and puts you more at risk for heart attacks, stroke, and other serious health problems. In addition, people that don't work out intentional ways to de-stress transfer negative energy and angst to all the people you are in relationships with---your partner, your children,your co-workers. In a sense, not managing your own angst well is like dragging trash home with you and into your relationships. It's just not fair to drag everyone else you love down with you.

What are some healthy self-soothing stategies? Try something active. Working out regularly might be just the ticket. Listening to music that relaxes or calms you can actually slow your heart rate, and put you into a natural, hypnotic state. A warm bath by candlelight might work to take you out of angst and shift you to center. Try an herbal hot tea by sunset, outside in your backyard. Reading a chapter in a great book that helps you escape your life for a while(in a healthy way) could work. Complete quiet can be very healing and soothing as well. Your self-soothing stategy can be as individual as you are. Build your own little rituals.

Don't have coping with food, alcohol, or drugs be your fall-back position because you don't take the time to create a better option. All of these substances shouldn't be used to medicate feelings or numb your stress. These paths just cause more complications. If you are a parent, remenber your children are watching how you cope, so it is really important to be a good role model as it relates to coping with stress in your daily life.

If you need help to identify a healthy self-soothing strategy for yourself, consider talking it over with a good therapist. You're worth it, and so are your health and your relationships. To be your best self, you need to learn how to bounce well. Life is full of its little and big frustrations, and your response to that fact determines your health and happiness. Strong coping stategies help you be more like the willow tree which bends gracefully, and less like the oak tree that snaps in the wind.