Why It's Uncool To Freeze People Out

Have you ever had somebody get upset or angry with you and stop speaking to you?  I notice that it happens frequently, with my patients reporting how painful it is to be on the receiving end of the Big Chill. It can happen with not only children, but with full grown and educated adults.

Putting loved ones in the chill box and shutting down and not responding to them is highly unskilled and emotionally primitive behavior. It doesn't look good on a small child, but this poor coping strategy looks even worse on adults.

If you recognize this pattern in yourself, it's time to do some self-reflection. Where and when did you learn this passive aggressive pattern of behavior? It can actually feel worse to your loved one than punching them. Your behavior is actively making the relationship less safe for the other person. It's a power grab of sorts, in an unfair and childlike delivery.

Is this how you watched the adults in your family solve differences or work through competing needs?

Who did you go to when you were upset as a young person growing up? Was there anyone safe who would listen compassionately, or did you learn to stuff your upset feelings inside and get your retaliation by refusing to speak to others?

Perhaps now is the time to update your skill level if you notice that you have this tendency to punish others by not speaking. Emotionally mature people use words to express if they feel angry, hurt, or mad and need a little time out to cool themselves down before talking things through.

It's perfectly okay to be upset, hurt, or angry. In relationships with another person, you won't always get your needs met. You are not always more important than the other person. You won't always get your own way. Dealing with disappointment and frustration are two things we all need to get good at. It's part of our human experience.

The next time you have the urge to pout, sulk, or freeze your loved one out by not speaking to them, think again. Choose a better, more grown up path. Your relationship can only be as close and secure as you and the other person cab build it. Don't dismantle what you are building because you are reverting back to childish tactics. You deserve better, and so does the other person in the relationship with you. Develop some new strategies. The deep freeze may be a good place for ice cream, but it's a bad place to put your most valuable relationships.

Relationship Drama Reduction

In this Sunday's New York Times, there was an interesting article called "Girls, Interrupted", about a summer camp program for middle school girls. The 2-week programs helps young women learn self-confidence, how to deal with mean girls and bullies, and avoid drama in relationships. The article got me thinking about the skills grown-ups also need to maneuver the world of relationships and conflict in a healthy way.

So here is my quick tool kit of skills all young adults need to develop, and mature adults need to perfect in order to have satisfying relationships and have good self-esteem. They are:

1. Know how to apologize. Be specific. Don't do it again.

2. Ask for what you want. This greatly increases your chances of getting it. Don't expect others to read your mind.

3. Be direct. If you have a problem with someone, tell that person directly. It only complicates things to tell a third person. (See my recent blog article on not triangulating)

4. Be honest.

5. Take out your own trash in your relationships. This means that each person in the relationship is responsible for managing their own stress level, not taking out your bad day or bad childhood or previous bad relationships on the other person.

6. Don't be a black hole or an emotional vampire. Have reasonable expectations about how much love, time, attention, etc. you expect in any relationship. You will frustrate the other person if you give the message that "it is never enough for me".

7.Don't whine. It is so unattractive if whining becomes your permanent residence. If you are stuck at the whining address and want to change it, see a good therapist who can help get you unstuck.

8.Take responsibility for your own actions and contributions to problems and relationship conflicts. As a psychotherapist for the past 20 years, I can tell you relationships start to get better when both people realize they are part of the problem and part of the solution.

9. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. We are all human and can learn from our mistakes if we choose to.

10. Follow through on your promises if humanly possible. Be a person of your word. Live with integrity.

11.Don't exagerate. In a Facebook world of hyperbole(omg) it is important to report facts accurately. Avoid 'always' and 'never'. Too much drama!

12.Move away from the bullies, the mean girls, and the people who 'just don't get you'. Life is too short.

13. Never text where the situation calls for a conversation. Texting in such situations is wimpy and/or heartless.

14.Be humble. It's so refreshing.

15.Be open to learning about yourself and others when conflict occurs. If you talk it through, you may learn some valuable things.

16. Admit your mistakes and imperfections. People will admire you for your openness and balanced perspective.

17.Try to focus on the repair in a conflict, rather than swinging for more damage.

18.Speak up if you feel tension between you and someone who matters to you. Otherwise, continental drift can occur.

19.Set boundaries to protect your important relationships. If you don't, then you aren't protecting that relationship, and you cheapen what should be special. You make it no big deal to be your partner.

20.Kindness matters. Watch your tone, volume, word choice, and non-verbal cues, so that the person you have a conflict with feels respected,rather than talked down to.


With these skills in your relationship tool kit, you are ready to create relationships with more fun, intimacy, and understanding. And less drama!

Try Never to Triangulate

Triangles are great for geometry, but they are not healthy for relationships. When I work with couples and families, I often map out the communication patterns. Going direct to the person you have a concern about is generally much more constructive than telling a third person. It requires integrity, emotional bravery, and honesty to do so.

Let's pretend you are married, and you have a complaint about your partner, and how they are treating you. You could choose to discuss that gripe with a friend, your coworker, the children, your former partner, your sibling, or your mother. These are not the best choices from a therapist's perspective. It would TRIANGULATE a third person into a relationship that should be a two-person relationship dyad. A marriage relationship is a sacred trust, and you violate that when one of you "invites" someone else into that trust. Also, rarely do people present a balanced view of what they themselves are contributing to the conflict when talking to an outsider. It is tempting and easy to make yourself the good guy and your spouse the bad guy. The truth is probably in between, with both you and your partner contributing when there is dissatisfaction.

In all relationships, we do communication dances. If we change our dancesteps, it can create pressure for the other person to change their dancesteps also. When you
are not at ease with someone who matters to you, I encourage you to schedule some quiet, uninterrupted time to talk with them and get their perspective. An attitude of curiosity about yourself and the other person is very helpful here. Don't approach the other person from a superior or know-it-all position. Instead, try to express your concern and ask for their perspective. Surprises are not good in this part of a relationship, so meet to discuss changes that are needed only by appointment with each other. No surprise attacks as your partner heads off to work in the morning!

Direct communication feels better. It feels terrible to hear someone close to you is badmouthing you behind your back, and this is a wimpy and ineffective approach. Only the other person you are in a relationship with shares the power with you to make things better between you.

If you need coaching on how to become a more courageous and positively assertive person, see a therapist. A good therapist can help you understand your communication style, how your family communicated when you were growing up, and better ways to do it now. A competent therapist can help balance your view, and take responsibility for your part of the communication dance. In healthy relationships, we recognize everyone contributes to what is being experienced. There often isn't a bad guy.

Direct communication works well in parenting, too. When there are changes in the family, we need to be able to say the truth to children and teens,at age-appropriate levels, about what is happening, and how it might impact them. This could be true about talking about a vacation, a move, a parents' job loss,expectations with school starting,illness,or family changes like a separation or divorce. Children and teens feel worse when they sense impending changes but noone is talking about the elephant in the room.

It is also important to be direct with positive communication, like appreciating the good things another person brings to a relationship. Buckets of tears have been shed in my counseling office over the past 20 years by children, teens, and adults who are in close relationships with people who are so broken that they can't say 'I love you' or share what they appreciate about the other person. Like we are supposed to mindread? Expressing directly what you LIKE about the other person and APPRECIATE about their behavior is powerful. Why would you deny yourself this connection?

When in doubt in your relationships this week, find a way to go direct. Your relationships will get stronger, and you will like yourself better. Your relationships can only be as healthy as you are. Your relationship skills dictate the quality of what you experience. Truly, as scientist and writer Jon Kabot Zinn,Ph.D, titled his book on mindfulness, "Wherever you go, there you are". Let's leave triangles to geometry class. To build great relationships, let's be grown-up, courageous, and direct.

Listen and Change the World

I have a fun little experiment for you if you'd like to play along. Today, as you go through your day, notice the number of people who really listen to you. Then try to observe yourself, and see how often you are really listening to other people whose lives you touch today. I have this hypothesis that if everybody had at least one real listener in their life, we could radically change the world for the better. Every person has their story to tell, and it opens up heartfelt channels of communication to be one of these valuable souls.

Ever notice how people many times aren't listening? Sometimes people stop talking, but they aren't hearing the other person. They could be preparing a response or a rebuttal, or figuring how to get you to finish. At times, people are making a mental list of other things they want or have to do after interacting with you. Perhaps you can feel it. The listener may want to turn the topic back to themselves.

Listening is a powerful tool to make the world a better place. Gandhi wrote, "the more efficient a force is, the more silent and the more subtle it is. Love is the subtlest force in the world". Giving your time to slow down, and take the time to listen, is one of the best ways to love someone in your life. My elderly grandmother lives nearby, and I notice how the very best thing you can do for someone in their 90's is to sit and listen to their stories about long ago, so that they can recall and relive them. You don't have to be older to want this. People all across the lifespan value a good listener.

You can feel yourself melt when you experience the gift of someone truly listening from the heart, for understanding. It feels completely different than someone listening to you with an agenda of their own. I have had children and teens tell me they long for a parent to provide this kind of loving, non-judgemental listening. I have had adults, both men and women, tell me they started affairs to get this kind of attention when they couldn't figure out how to get it from their partner.

When I worked for the Counseling department at St. Joseph Hospital in the late 1980s before I went into private practice, I was a part of a team of health care managers who trained the staff in 'The Healing Touch'. That program focused on the high-touch interpersonal skills of listening, slowing down, and making eye contact, among other skills. Studies show hospital patients care about whether health care providers use these people skills. The people in your life, at work, at home, and in your daily interactions care, too!

Here are a few tips on active listening:

1.Make eye contact.

2.Sit down if your talker is.

3.Summarize what you hear them say in your own words when they stop talking.

4.Ask questions to deepen your understanding and make sure you get it. Listen to the answers.

5.Thank them for telling you, epecially if it is something it was hard for them to be honest about. In truly intimate relationships, I generally want to encourage each person to build a sacred trust that there isn't anything you can't talk about with each other. Try not to be defensive, or the person speaking will shut down.

6.Try to empathize with what they might be feeling. Take a guess at what that feeling might be. Phrase it tenatively, and they will adjust it if you are off a bit.

7.Don't interrupt or storytell about you. It feels horrible and dismissive.

8.Don't be distracted as you listen. It cheapens the gift.

9. Don't multi-task if possible. If you are really distracted, say so, and ask if you can meet up with that person in a few minutes, when you can give them your undivided attention. Then, make it happen!

10.Set up a separate time to have them give you their complete and undivided attention as your listener if it is appropriate.

Truly listening is a skill that is difficult to master. We can each always improve on our ability to give this wonderful connecting gift to others. It costs nothing, but few things mean more in life. Together, we can change the world; one life and one listener at a time. As Mother Teresa said,"let us not use bombs and guns to overcome the world. Let us use love and compassion". Listening can be a powerful tool to revolutionize your relationships and make your most effective impact. All of us can learn to do it well.