Dean Koontz: From a Difficult Childhood to a Meaningful Life

Dean Koontz has written over one hundred novels and is one of America's top suspense thriller writers. Fourteen of his hardcovers and fourteen of his paperbacks have reached the number one position on the New York Times Bestseller list. While I've enjoyed several of his books and knew that he was living here in Orange County, California, I didn't know anything about his own personal story until I heard him do a live interview last Thursday evening at the Orange County Register. His life is quite a story itself.

Koontz was remarkably open and vulnerable at his OC Register interview. He shared about being born in 1945 to become the only child of his parents. He grew up incredibly poor in a small town in Pennsylvania. He was close to his mother, who died when he was just 21.

Koontz' father was alcoholic, mentally ill and unstable. He lost over 30 jobs, and the family went through great hardship. He remembers his father being the town drunk. He was unfaithful with multiple women. Raymond Koontz was abusive to both he and his mother. Dean recalls his mother standing up to his father courageously despite her diminutive height.

Senior year in college, Koontz won a fiction competition sponsored by Atlantic Monthly. After college, he taught school in Pennsylvania and worked and became frustrated with the Appalachian Poverty Program, designed to help poor children. Koontz saw flaws in the program and ways in which the money didn't reach the population it was intended to help.

Koontz married his high school girlfriend Gerda, to whom he is still married and who he deeply admires. He spoke about modeling strong heroines in his books after Gerda and his mother. It reminded me how writers often write what they know. He and Gerda negotiated him leaving teaching for five years while she would support him as he wrote full-time. It worked out very well, and he has been writing more than 60 hours a week ever since.

Dean and Gerda Koontz didn't have children. A biography about him poses that they feared his father's mental illness might be inherited. They do have a great love for golden retrievers. While Koontz researched a guide dogs for the disabled for his novel "Midnight" he became acquainted with Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). The non-profit let him observe how they extensively train service dogs, as he was writing a character that had one into the book. Through their involvement with CCI, the couple adopted Trixie, a golden retriever who had been through most of their training, but didn't quite make it. Dean wrote a book as a tribute to Trixie after she died of cancer in 2007. The book was called A Big Little Life: The Memoir of A Joyful Dog. When I spoke with him afterwards at the book signing, he said he still misses Trixie every day.

The Koontz family has donated millions of dollars to CCI to continue their work. Several of his books donate all profits to the group. At his live interview, Koontz shared how some years back he was the president of a writer's group where he got lots of phone calls daily with complaints from writers about publishers and agents. After a long weekend away at CCI, observing people with no use of their arms or legs happily being trained to use guide dog assistance, he came home and resigned from his role with the writer's group. He couldn't believe the contrast.

Since Trixie's death, the Koontz family have adopted Anna, a grand-niece of Trixie, who almost completed the CCI training, but had a fascination for chasing birds that made her a better pet than service dog.

Koontz also shared something intriguing he found out about his parentage. He found an article saved by his parents that explained about an artificial insemination medical research project done using poor families from his area in Pennsylvania about the time he was born. He decided not to do DNA testing with his father before his death, as he decided it didn't matter to him. It remains a personal mystery for the mystery writer.

As a family therapist, I am always interested in family of origin stories. The personal story behind Dean Koontz is one of perseverance, gentleness and transcendence. Despite coming from an unstable father with alcoholism and abuse, he has created a strong marriage and a meaningful, thriving career in writing that he continues to work at full-time at age 70. Koontz and his wife are creating a lasting legacy through their support of CCI to help disabled people live a more full life, one dog at a time.

The script that you are given in childhood doesn't have to be what you live out as an adult. We can choose to take the best part of our childhood backgrounds and revise the rest. You can have an unstable or abusive parent and choose to develop loving relationships and attach securely to others despite what you experienced in your family. It's been meaningful to me to work with many individuals over the past twenty-five years as a therapist to better understand the themes and patterns in their family of origin and rewrite the way they live their lives and the kind of relationships they create. If we understand our family history, we can learn to lead a more conscious life going forward.

Childhood is just where your story begins. It's doesn't need to predict your future.

What's Your Attachment Style?

Attachment is the way you connect with other people. We learn it from our parents and attachment figures while we are growing up. We carry our attachment style into our adult relationships, and it helps to shape who we become as a parent and partner.There are four types: preoccupied, fearful, dismissing and secure. None of the styles is bad, just part of who you are and the life experiences you've had. We may each be able to shift our style of attaching over time and through healing experiences.

If you are securely attached, you can trust others and let them close to support you. In this style, you allow yourself a full range of emotions, knowing that all feelings are okay. Securely attached people feel basically happy and capable, and they tend to view their partner as well-intentioned and trustworthy. If you have an anxious attachment style and choose a securely attached partner you are likely to find that the reliable bond with them helps you to grow more secure over time. You don't overreact to a partner's small mistakes or slights.

What if you have the preoccupied style of attachment? You may feel fearful of rejection. You might overreact to problems, and easy jump to the feeling that you can't cope. This type can drain a partner with a sense of being perpetually overwhelmed, vulnerable and needy. Your sensitivity may cause you to overreact to perceived slights by a romantic partner. It may mean that you pick fights or instigate conflict which may exhaust your partner. The attachment need feels so strong and the fear of not getting needs met is so intense that little things can have huge meaning for you. A slow response to a call or text message may create high levels of anxiety and upset, and cause you to jump to (negative) conclusions. No partner is ever going to intuit your every need perfectly. Preoccupied style of attachers "activate" their strategy to sort of scan for any possible problems in relationships in a hyper-vigilant way, which can cause stress and anxiety.

If you have the dismissing style of attachment, you move away from attachment and fight strongly for your autonomy and independence. You also predict that important people in your life will not be there for you when you need them, so you avoid your own feelings and the feelings of others. You may withhold from expressing affection to a partner and make an insecure partner feel more insecure. You probably feel conflicted about both wanting love, comfort and connection and also wanting to protect yourself from the risk of it. You want to believe you don't need love, but you do.

People with the fearful attachment style feel that they aren't loveable. Attachment figures growing up may have been unavailable, perhaps having their own problems. They deeply desire connection and closeness, but can avoid or send mixed messages to their partner. These individuals can be vulnerable to depression, anxiety and passivity, and need to express their needs directly. Individuals who have the fearful style of attachment often view their partner negatively and can't empathize much with them.

Understanding how your style of attaching creates challenges for you in building a satisfying, secure and joyful relationship gives you a good start. Close relationships give us emotional availability, safe haven and a secure base. Insight for how your early attachments with parents influenced your ability to attach will help you develop self-compassion for why you struggle with certain things. It may also help you build more compassion for your intimate partner as you discuss how your childhoods and past relationships colored your ability to get close.

Leslie Becker-Phelps has an insightful new book on this topic called, "Insecure In Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It" (New Harbinger Publications, 2014). Becker-Phelps offers strategies for becoming a more securely attached person and partner.

We want to both become and look for a partner who can be securely attached, mature, non-defensive, effective at communication, appreciative, and affectionate. All intimate relationships will have some miscommunication at times. The best we can do is to choose wisely, have compassion for ourselves and the beloved, risk our own vulnerability, and try our best not to avoid, distance or act out of insecurity.

Boyhood

Childhood is made up of little moments that get all strung together, like Christmas lights. The new (2014) film Boyhood by director Richard Linklater will make you reflect on your own childhood, and your own journey as a parent. The film is unusual in that it has the same cast, but was filmed over 12 years. We get an intimate view of Mason (Ellar Coltrane) growing up from age 5 to age 18. This film is not to be missed as it brings all of it to you from the child's view.

The story includes many ordinary days, as Mason deals with his parent's divorce, bullies at school, moving and leaving friends, a bad haircut, horrible stepparents, first love, heartbreak, a sometimes difficult sister, camping with Dad, Mom dating, first days at new schools, and a first job. You get to witness Mason growing up, with all the physical and emotional changes he goes through in those 12 years of childhood. Mason is beautifully played by Coltrane. The director's daughter, Lorelei Linklater, is wonderful and very natural as his sometimes annoying sister.

The film is touching. It reminded me of how vulnerable children are to whatever other stressors and challenges are going on in their parents' lives. Children are trying to grow up amidst the drama, changes and challenges. It reminds us as parents to keep our children's childhood as stable as we possibly can, and to be as present as we can no matter what unexpected things come up.

In Mason's case, his mom (Patricia Arquette) is a struggling single parent, trying to finish her education and provide some stability for her two children. The results are often chaotic, as she completes her education but her poor relationship choices impact both her and the children. The family moves multiple times, and the film captures the loss and longing the children feel as they watch the old home disappear from the car windows as they drive away, leaving behind friends each time.

Arquette is superb as Mason's mother. She loves the children, but is busily multi-tasking her education, financial struggle and problematic love life the whole time the children are growing up. She always thought she had more time, but suddenly Mason is heading off to college. She wonders aloud about what's left for her with the children gone. How can childhood be over so soon?

Ethan Hawke does a wonderful job portraying Mason's sometimes immature but loving father. Early in the film, Hawke is irresponsible and often missing. Later he visits the children more frequently, and tries to condense his fathering life lessons into his every other weekend with his son and daughter. The film captures some authentic moments where he tries to get the kids to share more and open up, talks with them about sexual responsibility, discusses breakups and love relationships, and teaches them (while bowling) that in life there are no bumpers.

There are some bittersweet moments that feel honest as dad thanks mom at Mason's graduation party for doing a great job raising him mostly on her own. Dad seems to evolve over the twelve years we follow him, and it seems sad that the timing was off and that he didn't evolve earlier so that they could have raised the children together. Just like in real life, it's a lot about timing sometimes. It also reminds us that while parents can divorce, parenting continues and it's better for the children if you can accept whatever positive contributions the other parent can make.

The unique way in which this film is made and edited over such a long span of time allows us to remember these years,too. We see Mason attend a Harry Potter book release signing all dressed up and excited to get his book. We see him go with his sister to plant yard signs for Obama/Biden and help steal a McCain sign at Dad's direction. The film is edited and mixed with songs from these same years, from Coldplay to Arcade Fire. It will make you remember these years, too.

Boyhood is a must see film, which will remind you of how swiftly both childhood and parenting passes, and to make the most of all the little, ordinary days with our children. As difficult and overwhelming as parenting can be, you will miss this chapter when it is gone. It's beautiful the way this film artfully captures the internal emotional experiences of childhood. It's a rare opportunity to watch a skilled ensemble of actors age gradually and be invited into their maturing. It made me reflect on my own childhood memory fragments, and made me wistful about how swiftly my girls grew up into the adult women I love.

Let's Disconnect: Put Down That iPad and Come to the Dinner Table

Families are struggling as they figure out how to cope with family members isolating and plugging into their technology. We've lost the boundaries where parents could easily protect the childhoods of their children. Partners notice how distracted their partner is. Work emails can bleed into evening and weekend space as it shows up on your iPad or iPhone. Children complain about parents that won't put down their phones; parents complain about teenagers doing the same thing.

There is an unspoken message being delivered anytime we are using technology that the person you are presently with is not the most important. It feels bad to be ignored. We long for breaks from feeling plugged-in and anxious. We need deep connection, but it's getting harder to protect emotional space and time for it. We long for being present with intimate others without distraction and multi-tasking. This generation of young people is known as "always on."

What's a family to do?

Psychologist, Harvard Medical School instructor, and writer Catherine Steiner-Adair has written an excellent new guide called The Big Disconnect (Harper Collins Books, 2013). Her book has lots of valuable reminders, such as:

1. Children and teens can't set reasonable limits. You need to be the parent and set off times.

2. Children and families still need time for independent, creative, self-generated play.

3. Make mealtimes family and connecting time: no technology of any kind. Children and parents need to practice and role model social skills and the art of connecting.

4. Don't miss your baby's, child's, or teen's important developmental moments because you are texting.

5. Help preschoolers learn to identify and manage their emotions, learn to take turns, and be patient.
Screen time can't help teach any of those soft skills. They are developed through 1:1 interaction.

6. Have conversations with your children and grandchildren of all ages, including eye contact. These are valuable zones of interaction. Story time or reading together with young children is better than iPad time.

7. Try not to use technology to get children to be quiet or not need you.

8. Be aware how technology accelerates exposure to gender stereotypes, sexuality, aggression, violence, and "cool to be cruel" comments on blogs and social media. Discuss these issues with your children at different developmental points.

9. Beware putting computers and televisions in your children's rooms too early, such as before 13. You may never see them.

10. Facebook and Instagram can emphasize a culture of obsessing about presentation of one's public self.

11. Text messaging gives an artificial sense of pre-planned wittiness and a false sense of confidence. It doesn't translate to in-person social skills.

12. Be an approachable parent, so that your children know they can talk with you about their concerns, and you won't lecture or overreact. In Dr. Steiner-Adair's research, she has learned that kids and teens won't open up and approach parents who are "scary, crazy, or clueless." Scary parents get judgmental, too intense, and harsh. Don't be reactive or hot-headed, or your children won't open up to you about their challenges. Crazy parents hold grudges, and email teachers and coaches when their child doesn't get what they want. Clueless parents are naïve, ineffective, passive, and act like their child's best friend.

13. The best approach is to become a parent who is informed, calm, approachable, and realistic.

The Big Disconnect is well worth reading. It will help you think through keeping the balance of using technology to your advantage, but not being mindless about letting it take over your family's life and connectedness. Don't sit passively by as your family ties loosen.

Engage your children. Simple contracts that your child or teen understands and signs about the conditions for the privilege of using a cell phone you pay for may be a good idea. Encourage texting only about quick details, not as a way to avoid conversations in person. Get the password for the phone, so that if their safety is in danger you can intercede. No sleeping with your phone. Technology has a bedtime. No phones at meals or family times. Ask your children to help you plan some fun time together that doesn't involve technology.

Close relationships and families require in person connecting, undistracted and completely available. Let's disconnect to really connect.

49 UP/ The View at Mid-Life and Beyond

I rented a really interesting DVD from Blockbuster this week called "49 UP". It caught my eye in the documentary section because it had a rave review from Roger Ebert,the film critic, who called it brillant and noted that the "UP" series of films is on his list of the ten greatest films of all time. I would recommend it highly to anyone in their 40's or beyond who is reflective and introspective about their own life and other people.

The film is by noted British director Michael Apted and is the most recent installment in a series of films which began interviewing 14 children from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds in 1964, when the children were each 7 years old. The first film was Seven Up, and has been followed with editions when the children became 14,21,28,35,42 and this film made in 2006 when they were each 49 years old. Apted hopes to follow up as the subjects turn 56 in three more years if he can keep all of the participants involved and hopefully everyone is still alive.

I found it fascinating when Apted flashes back to earlier conversations with each person at different ages. They open up about their lives, challenges, love relationships,parents, children, grandchildren, work, mistakes, vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams. Apted does a beautiful job of interviewing the people with compassion and insight, and in their home and lives. You get an intimate portrait of each person, as they move across their life journey.

The director set out to test the Jesuit belief that if you "show me the boy at 7, I can show you the man he will become". Apparently so, at least with the British people in this film. Flashbacks to earlier interviews become predictive, as we watch children at 7 explain what they care about, what they want out of life, and what their fears might be. Most interesting is how they are impacted by their parents choices,early family life,and goals or a lack of them.

The viewer can't help but to reflect on their own early childhood experiences, choice of life partner, career and decisions about whether or not to have children.
All these pivotal life choice moments, and then your own natural temperament and level of resilency, combining to make you uniquely you. We each end up writing our own life story, but as this excellent film reveals, we each start out with our own unique ingedients. We don't get any conscious choice of where we start out in life, and sometimes we only have a choice about our responses to our situation.

Recent research in Psychology shows that self-esteem drops from age 18 on to about age 50, when most people begin to feel better about themselves. I certainly saw this upswing in self acceptance and confidence in this film, when many of the subjects had been struggling with their lives, and less happy earlier at 35 and 42. By 49, people were more at peace. In her book, The New Passages, writer Gail Sheehy observes something similar, that the mid-life crisis is real for many people, and when our crisis in meaning is resolved, we feel better.

I am 49, so I look forward to that peace and confidence of mid-life arriving soon. I wonder if it arrives Fedex or UPS? This was in inspired storytelling project, and allows us the opportunity to introspect on how far we've come, and where we are each heading as we reset the course for the next part of the journey. I still have lots of fun and meaningful things I want to see and experience with the people I love, and I bet you do, too.