You Were Always Mom's Favorite: Sisters

Writer and  Georgetown University Linguistics professor Deborah Tannen wrote a terrific book about the complex relationships between sisters, called You Were Always Mom's Favorite that might really help you understand the relationship better if you have a sister, are a sister, or have daughters of your own (Ballantine Books, 2010). Sisters have a life-long conversation that can reveal much about each of them.

As it turns out, girls often define themselves by the differences between themselves and their sister or sisters. There is often a lifelong tug of war between competition and closeness. Sisters compete for parents' time, attention, and financial support. Each sister tries to carve out her own identity within the family. If an older sister is seen by the family as the "smart" one, a younger sister might seek to differentiate herself by assuming a different identity.

Birth order plays a role in the relationship between sisters. Tannen found this even between twin sisters, where there is still a focus on who arrived on the scene first. Older sisters may be called on to help with the care, supervision, homework and responsibility for a younger sister by parents, and later be resented by a younger sister for treating them as a parent treats a child. Younger sisters may be babied and protected. Adult sisters sometimes have trouble renegotiating childhood roles. For example, ideally it would be best for an older sister to build a mutually respectful relationship, and not try to know more or be the boss all their lives.

As Tannen and her researchers studied conversations between sisters, they found  something she labeled "sister speak" where sisters can develop their own unique conversational flow and share the telling of stories. Because sisters usually share a common history, they can have conversational shorthand that they understand but others might not completely get.

Alignment in the family is important. If one sister is seen as "closer" to mom or dad, it can cause other sisters to feel left out.  As  a structural family therapist, I often want parents to be more aware of having as many good kids as they have children, and not joining in an alliance with one child, or playing favorites.

As adults, resentments can be exacerbated by one sister living closer to aging parents and assuming a larger or solo role in managing parents' increasing needs. Some adult sisters opt out and leave caring for aging parents, by default, to another sister. Some mothers add to sister conflict by over-praising one sister or her children.

Your sister might  represent the path you did not take in life. Acceptance, tolerance, and mutual respect can help soothe differences. So can lowering your expectations about your sister, and adding in other close female friends.

Sisters can be such different things to different women. It's wonderful when they are close emotionally, caring, supportive, and interested. Many women feel the loss of what they would have longed for if their sister is competitive, cold, disinterested or antagonistic. I have found women who feel sadness that their sister order got messed up.

Whether your sister is a strong ally or a stiff competitor, chances are she's one of the few people on the planet who knows your whole life story. The relationship between sisters, or the lack of it, helps to define us as women and as individuals.

Do Parents Have Favorites?

Short answer:yes,they do.The October 3,2011 issue of Time magazine features a cover story with a review of Jeffrey Kluger's new book,"The Sibling Effect: What the Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal About Us"(Riverhead Books,2011)

Did you always suspect that Mom liked your sister better? Could you tell you were the apple of Dad's eye? You might be right! Children can tell that not all siblings were created equal.Parents sometimes give differential treatment to siblings for a variety of reasons:gender,birth order,attractiveness,intelligence, or one child's special emotional/physical/educational needs.A parent may identify more with one child,who may be a better personality style fit,bear a physical resemblance,share the same birth order as the parent did in their family growing up,or a host of other reasons.

Siblings jockey for position as "best" child,often looking for their own unique area to prove mastery and show off success to parents.This can continue throughout the life cycle,and can cause great heartache to parents and children both.Parents can help by encouaging different areas of mastery,and celebrating when their children succeed in their own way.I often tell families that a certain amount of competitiveness between siblings is both normal,and helps develop assertiveness.Parents also need to communicate their belief that there is room for two or three(or however many children there are in the family) good children in the family.Care in avoiding labeling the children is also key."Meet Justin,he's our brainy child!" Does that mean noone else can suceed on his turf?parents need to be aware what power there stated perceptions have about their children.Children think we are powerful and know everything,until they become teens and realize we don't.

Experts see that there are emotional costs to being singled out as special by Mom and Dad.Fovorite children may feel guilty,feel pressured,or suffer with poor relationships with their siblings.Nobody likes the class pet, not even at home in the family.

When parents do have to spend more time or emotional energy---for instance with a child who is physically disabled or who has anxiety or depression,researchers suggest parents explain the reason for the imbalance briefly and honestly.It's their family,too,and you can bet your children are already aware of it.

Their may be biological underpinnings in why siblings compete for limited attention and resources.Geges are selfish,and each child wants to get what he or she needs. It is pretty much impossible not to have some competitive themes in any family for parents' approval,and later in work situations for managements' approval.

Parents should make every effort not to show or admit favoritism.Good enough parents do their best to see that each child gets what they need,and that they are each seen as multi-dimensional individuals,with unique gifts.They are not to be compared to each other or anyone else.The angst of sibling rivalry generally fades over the family life cycle.

I can think of no better life outcome than leaving adult children who are close, love and accept each other.I hertily recommend this weeks' Time magazine article and/or Kluger's book to you.As for me? I have three favorite children I love dearly.