Honoring Our Dads, Stepdads and Granddads

With Father's Day approaching this Sunday, I think it's time we all pause and reflect to honor good dads everywhere. Many times, Father's Day gets trampled on by Mother's Day, graduations, and spring birthdays. It's just not fair. Fathers and the other important good men in our lives who nurture, develop, inspire and support children, teens, and young adults deserve the spotlight all on their own.

Together, let's reach out to the men in our lives who make a difference, both to us and to our children, because they suit up, show up, and do the right thing. These are the good men who show us that women do not corner the market on nurturing and supporting others. They might be our fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles, or family friends. What they have in common is taking a loving concern for the young people in their lives, and doing all they can to be a positive male influence. We salute you. You make a huge difference.

Men and women are different, and we provide children and young adults with different things. I often think of it as women bringing children INTO the world and men taking children OUT into the world, helping them launch into the adult world, separate from their mother, and become a successful adult. All our lives, we benefit from having a positive, kind male role model we respect and can turn to for advice. It's not that you can't succeed without that support; it just makes it so much easier. It gives you a firm foundation. You have someone to ask about the exclusively male perspective on life, and ask for their input or guidance.

Good dads stay connected to their children, whether or not they are still married to that child's mother. They stay involved and actively engaged with their child or children all their lives. We hope that our marriages endure, but the parent-child relationship must endure all your life. In research by the Center for the Family in Transition in Mill Valley, California, Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., and her team has done the longest study to date on outcomes for children of divorce. One of the worst things that can possibly happen to children in their parents' divorce is that their father disengages, in terms of emotional support, time, and financial support. I often caution parents I counsel not to do this. Parents who love their children stay involved, no matter what.

Grandfathers, stepfathers, and uncles can all be critically important roles, defined by who plays the role and how you play it. It's messy to get involved. You have to give---time, attention, listening, support. You can receive incredible rewards by becoming a positive male influence. You might be the only chance a particular child in your life has to know a honest, kind, nurturing, grounded man. Both girls and boys need the positive male adult energy to have successful careers and relationships later on.

This week, give some affirmation and applause to the good men in your life who nurtured and supported you, or who give that love and positive male role modeling to your children. Stand-up guys are sometimes taken for granted, but they really shouldn't be. Strong, kind, loyal and devoted men are an incredible blessing, both to good women and to building a wonderful next generation. We honor you for defining what a good man is really like.

Fathers and Daughters

I see good dads struggle sometimes to stay connected as their sweet little daughters grow up into teenagers and then adult women. You can't tickle her like you might have when she was little, or carry her around on your shoulders. She's probably over board games and throwing the baseball with you by her teen years. Now what? What's a father to do to stay emotionally connected, when he has, of course, never been a young woman himself ?

Sometimes fathers of girls tell me they feel like they are at an unfair advantage, as mothers and daughters may have more same-sex ways to connect with each other, like shopping, cooking, getting nails done, crafts/art, etc. Fathers need to be more creative. Fathers don't often do as much phone contact with daughters as mothers do, or have the same length of conversation. It doesn't mean that your daughter doesn't need you just as much.

Much of being a good father or stepfather has to do with being interested in her, and listening more than you give advice.

It helps her to know that you are there.

Meet her friends when you can. Take the college roommates out with your daughter for a meal.

Be protective.

Express your love for her.

Help with her car. Teach her how to maintain it.

I like to see fathers develop their own relationship with teen or young adult daughters, not hearing news indirectly through mothers.

The good news is that you don't have to figure this out all by yourself. You can ask your daughter what kinds of activities she would be open to doing together with you. She will probably have a lot of good ideas. Daughters are usually touched by dad's interest and concern.

Take an interest in her college and career path. Encourage her to get a part-time job and internships later to build her experience and confidence.

Role model through how you treat the adult women in your life with respect. She's watching.

Teach her life skills, so that she becomes strong and independent.

Teach her about money, and the value of saving it. Help her understand about investing.

Talk with her about choosing relationships that honor her, because she's very important to you.

Point out her strengths.

Daughters need loving, involved fathers. Granddaughters need caring, interested grandfathers. Girls whose mothers remarry need loving, supportive stepfathers. Just because you've never been a young woman doesn't mean you can't try to understand the complexities of emotion that the special young women in your life are experiencing. Transcending self and your own gender role to be a beloved father, grandfather or stepfather might just be one of the very best experiences in your life. It might help you build compassion and understanding for the adult partner in your life as well. Mothers bring children in to the world and nurture them, but fathers have their own irreplaceable role to play taking our children out into the world, develop courage and confidence. You don't have to have been a girl to love one well.

Our Heroes: Dads,Stepdads, and Granddads

Good,honorable,solid men make such a difference in our lives if they play their role right.We all need men in our lives who are honest,kind,and count-on-able.Sometimes that role can't be played by your father,and another wonderful man steps in,like your stepdad or grandfather.This can be very healing. Fathering is not the one-time event of biology,but the on-going act of fathering and loving a child as they grow and struggle in life,knowing they can count on you for support,wisdom,and love.

Mothers are very important,but they aren't like fathers. While mothers give birth to children,and help them attach and be nurtured, it is fathers who play a critical role in helping a young person move out into the world,become brave,take risks,and develop courage.The Yale Fatherhood study demonstrated that even at a young age at playgrounds,fathers push children higher on swings and stand a bit further away,giving children a little more room to be independent.Fathers and mothers are not interchangeable.Children who grow up with a functional mother and father have a great advantage.

It's also very possible,if a father abandons a child or dies early,that another loving man can fill the gap. I am always amazed at what miracles stepfathers and grandfathers can activate if they bring an open heart,time,and care to the intentional task of being there for a young person whose father couldn't play the role. Much emotional repair and healing can be done by another man choosing to transcend self and care.

Fathers,stepfathers,and grandfathers are also role models for relationships and living with integrity and honesty. How you treat your wife,how you parent,how you live your life sets an unspoken standard.It earns you respect and admiration. The young people in your life are likely to use how you treat others as a template for their own lives.What a huge responsibility and an awesome challenge for your own personal growth.

Today,we honor not just fathers,but stepfathers,grandfathers,uncles,and all the good men who reach out in the effort to help us raise the next generation to be as whole,strong,and courageous as they can be.Thanks to each of you.We women know who you are,and we appreciate you more than you can can know.