It is painful to love somebody with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.You can't change it. You didn't cause it. You can't make it better. NPD is a pervasive way of looking at the world that is thought to develop in early childhood,and most often continues throughout one's lifetime.As with other kinds of personality disorders,people that have them rarely come into treatment. Most narcissists blame OTHER people.It is the people who love and work with narcissists who more often come for counseling,because it causes a great deal of pain for the people close to them. Aproximately 70% of narcissists are men, and 30% are women.
In romantic relationships, it is very difficult for partners of narcissists,because they are completely self-absorbed.It's all about them at all times.The relationship won't have the intimacy or safety to be vulnerable with each other that it should have.There is a lack or respect and sincere interest in the partner.Narcissists can sweep you off your feet with charm, gifts, and charisma when you are courting,and then promptly be disinterested in your life. It's as if they feel they are the sun and the moon both, and your little auxillary planet rotates around them.They like to tell stories and dominate conversations. Narcissists like to devalue others.They may have a need to criticize and pick at you.They will have trouble celebrating your accomplishments,or anyone else's besides their own.They don't like your family and friends.They wish to make decisions for you. Your partner tries to change you,and has trouble accepting you.Your partner feels they are more important and valuable than you are,and their wants and preferences are,too. You begun to feel beaten down,exhausted,and intimidated by their relentless self-absorbtion.And surprise, the sexual relationship can be expoitative and all about their satisfaction as well,with little concern for their partners' fulfillment.
It is also horrible to have a narcissist as your parent. They can't see you as a separate person,but instead as part of them. You don't get accurate amounts of deserved credit for what you accomplish.Narcissistic parents demean their children in sevice to their own bloated ego.For example," I had a better GPA/career/girlfriend/appearance than you do". Narcissistic parents won't validate any concerns that their child has about when the parent is out of bounds or over the top.Basically,you can't win with a narcissistic parent,so you have to figure it out for yourself. Children of narcisstic parents often don't have the confidence or belief in themselves that they should have, based on their skills and accomplishments.Nothing is ever good enough that they do, as their parent saw it.
At work, narcissists take all the credit and need to be the one shining star.They would sooner die than honor other peoples' contributions.They can easily exploit others or demand special privileges.They have tremendous lack of understanding for other peoples' feelings or experiences in the workplace.If you work with a narcissist,you will need to take precautions to independently document your contributions(quick,before they take credit!) Setting limits and boundaries will also be key with a narcissistic boss.
Watch out for the famed narcissistic injury.This happens when you poke the narcissist's fragile,puffed-up ego and you get a huge,out of proportion reaction.You will know when you hit it. It is unhealthy to not like yourself,just as it is to be a narcissist. Somewhere in between those two extremes there is a way to repect and care for yourself and also have empathy and genuine concern for other people.
In the meantime,with the narcissist in your life,you can learn to cope quite nicely.Take very good,extreme care of yourself. Spend some time alone. Cultivate your own interests, hobbies, career, friends, and faith. Keep a sense of humor about how absurd the narcissists' demands can get.Set firm boundaries about what you will and won't do. Don't take it personally---it's really about THEM. Use loving detachment when necessary.Evaluate how close you can really be to the narcissist and keep your emotional balance.Keep yourself safe. Loving or working with a narcissist can be challenging,and cause you to become a stronger person yourself.
Take back your power,and remember that you don't have to feed this monster,and may be able to be happy despite the narcissist in your life who wishes to suck the life out of you!Getting some counseling can make a huge difference in providing you with some fresh perspective and tools to deal with this beast.
Showing posts with label controlling spouse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label controlling spouse. Show all posts
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Monday, November 29, 2010
Surviving and Thriving in your Relationship With a Controlling Person
What if the person you love is driving you crazy with their high need for control? This person could be your partner, a coworker, your boss,or a parent. You may be frazzled by this demanding person, who feels like they personally need to be responsible and in charge of just about everything, including the spinning of the earth on its axis! High control behaviors usually come from insecure people, with low self-esteem. Understanding and dealing effectively with the controller in your life is critically important for your mental health and well-being.
You cannot be codependent and live or work well with a control freak. Codependency comes from the literature on alcoholism and the family. Each member in an alcoholic family often has a role---like hero,scapegoat,joker, etc. Alcoholism impacts the entire family as everyone tries to deny or cope with the problem. Codependency is the pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity. People who love or work closely with a high-control individual can take note of typical codependent behaviors and benefit from doing the OPPOSITE.
Codependent people often demonsrate these behaviors:
*think and feel responsible for other people
*find themselves saying "yes" when they want to say "no"
*are unaware of their own wants and needs
*feel safest when giving
*overcommit themselves
*fear rejection
*have a lot of "shoulds"
*feel anxious or depressed
*report they give to everyone else and nobody gives to them
*find themselves attracted to needy people
*feel empty and worthless if not solving problems or helping others
*have trouble accepting when somebody gives to them
*do not feel happy, content, or at peace
This list of codependent behaviors is your handy guide of what NOT to do if you have a high-control person in your life. Instead, you need incredibly good self-esteem and confidence.You must give up the idea of making the controller happy, because it is an impossible feat. You will need to stay grounded. Exercise daily. Keep up your own support system. Get some personal counseling or coaching if you open to having a healthy ally on your side. Use humor to deflect. Lead your own life. Communicate clearly and effectively when you are being stepped on. Let the little things go, but define your line in the relationship where you have to set limits and boundaries. You have to hold on to your own dignity, self-respect,and sense of humor.People are allowed to ask you for anything, but it is your job to stand up for what is reasonable to expect of you and what is over the top.
Taking charge of your own self-esteem, and doing the things which will make you feel more confident, will be a good offense. Keep up your relationships with other people. If your controller is at work, keep up your contacts with other departments at your company, and with professional groups within your industry. Don't let the controller isolate you. Consider taking advanced training or certifications. Keep up your contacts. Manage up, by submitting your own generated monthly reports on what you accomplish, and give a copy to your boss and keep one for your use if the controller starts to minmize or take credit for what you do.
If your high-control challenge is at home or in your personal life, love them, but know your own healthy boundaries. Don't let the controller criticize or tear you down, or belittle your friends or family. See this negative behavior for what it is: an attempt to isolate you and make the controller feel better about their own low self-esteem. People who like themselves, and are at peace internally, do not need to pick apart others. As philosopher Kahlil Gibran noted centuries ago in his book "The Prophet", couples need to develop a separateness that makes them stronger as a couple. Two trees planted too close together cannot grow in each others' shadow,as Gibran writes.
Can you survive, and even thrive, with a control freak in your life? Only if you take safeguards to protecting yourself emotionally and not taking their drama as gospel.You have only one life to live, and don't let the high-control person in your life, at home or at work, make you feel less than, or in their service.You are also a child of the universe, no less than the sun and the stars, and as it says in Desiderata, you have a right to be here and be happy.Seeing controlling behavior for what it is, and knowing how to handle the behaviors with wit, humor, compassion, and limits is essential. Let me know how it goes. (christynnelson@gmail.com)
You cannot be codependent and live or work well with a control freak. Codependency comes from the literature on alcoholism and the family. Each member in an alcoholic family often has a role---like hero,scapegoat,joker, etc. Alcoholism impacts the entire family as everyone tries to deny or cope with the problem. Codependency is the pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity. People who love or work closely with a high-control individual can take note of typical codependent behaviors and benefit from doing the OPPOSITE.
Codependent people often demonsrate these behaviors:
*think and feel responsible for other people
*find themselves saying "yes" when they want to say "no"
*are unaware of their own wants and needs
*feel safest when giving
*overcommit themselves
*fear rejection
*have a lot of "shoulds"
*feel anxious or depressed
*report they give to everyone else and nobody gives to them
*find themselves attracted to needy people
*feel empty and worthless if not solving problems or helping others
*have trouble accepting when somebody gives to them
*do not feel happy, content, or at peace
This list of codependent behaviors is your handy guide of what NOT to do if you have a high-control person in your life. Instead, you need incredibly good self-esteem and confidence.You must give up the idea of making the controller happy, because it is an impossible feat. You will need to stay grounded. Exercise daily. Keep up your own support system. Get some personal counseling or coaching if you open to having a healthy ally on your side. Use humor to deflect. Lead your own life. Communicate clearly and effectively when you are being stepped on. Let the little things go, but define your line in the relationship where you have to set limits and boundaries. You have to hold on to your own dignity, self-respect,and sense of humor.People are allowed to ask you for anything, but it is your job to stand up for what is reasonable to expect of you and what is over the top.
Taking charge of your own self-esteem, and doing the things which will make you feel more confident, will be a good offense. Keep up your relationships with other people. If your controller is at work, keep up your contacts with other departments at your company, and with professional groups within your industry. Don't let the controller isolate you. Consider taking advanced training or certifications. Keep up your contacts. Manage up, by submitting your own generated monthly reports on what you accomplish, and give a copy to your boss and keep one for your use if the controller starts to minmize or take credit for what you do.
If your high-control challenge is at home or in your personal life, love them, but know your own healthy boundaries. Don't let the controller criticize or tear you down, or belittle your friends or family. See this negative behavior for what it is: an attempt to isolate you and make the controller feel better about their own low self-esteem. People who like themselves, and are at peace internally, do not need to pick apart others. As philosopher Kahlil Gibran noted centuries ago in his book "The Prophet", couples need to develop a separateness that makes them stronger as a couple. Two trees planted too close together cannot grow in each others' shadow,as Gibran writes.
Can you survive, and even thrive, with a control freak in your life? Only if you take safeguards to protecting yourself emotionally and not taking their drama as gospel.You have only one life to live, and don't let the high-control person in your life, at home or at work, make you feel less than, or in their service.You are also a child of the universe, no less than the sun and the stars, and as it says in Desiderata, you have a right to be here and be happy.Seeing controlling behavior for what it is, and knowing how to handle the behaviors with wit, humor, compassion, and limits is essential. Let me know how it goes. (christynnelson@gmail.com)
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