The Power of Your Mindset

We spend a number of minutes each day picking out what we are going to wear, but there is a far more important accessory we choose each day. It's called our mindset. It influences everything we do. It can hurt us or help us. We can start by identifying our mindset and being aware of how it is influencing our behaviors.

Stanford University psychologist and researcher, Carol Dweck, wrote a classic book on understanding your mindset which includes some elegantly simple ideas that are useful for our daily lives at work and at home. Our mindset may be the most critical factor in creating achievement and success in our lives. The book is called Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, How to Learn to Fulfill Our Potential (Ballantine Books, 2006).

There are two essential types of mindsets, fixed and growth. They are the equivalent of entering different worlds. Mindsets are belief systems. Mindsets can be changed if you choose to. You can  have a different mindset on different issues or in different areas of your life.

In a fixed mind-set, your own personal narrative is limited. You judge yourself harshly, with a mistake meaning failure. A fixed mindset make disappointments or rejection seem like all is lost. You can be upset with either mindset, but in the fixed one you can't see hope or the possibility of learning lessons and going on to later success. This mindset tells you there are limits to your intelligence, your career, your relationships and your life. One can operate with confidence from either mindset, but the fixed one makes that confidence brittle and fragile if something doesn't work out.

In contrast, the growth mindset makes a huge difference in how you process disappointment failure and rejection. It believes you can change, grow and learn all your life if you are open to it. A growth-oriented mindset allow you to focus on learning rather than ego investment in being smart.

In parenting children towards a growth mindset, we would want to honor effort and learning new things rather than achievement, grades or awards our children get. A growth mindset doesn't believe you have to easily master new skills without effort, or that you are simply born talented or not. It focuses on learning new things about yourself, others and the world each day. This mindset makes it okay to work diligently at things, experience failure and go forward.

In your romantic partnership a fixed mindset could be thinking that the relationship either makes you happy or it doesn't, and then you will need to break up or divorce. A growth mindset helps you see that your closest relationship gives you the opportunity everyday to learn to become a better communicator, a stronger listener and more loving.

In your business, a growth mindset tells you to learn from everything that happens, and readjust your sails if you're not headed towards the results you want. The fixed mindset will tell you to give up if you run into obstacles.

You can demonstrate either the fixed or growth mindset towards:

• Your marriage
• Your business
• Learning new skills and tasks
• Parenting
• School
• Loss
• Life
• Friendships
• Activities
• Sports
• Hobbies

You will tend to get very different results with one mindset or the other. Change is difficult for most people. A growth mindset won't solve everything, but it will contribute to helping you develop a richer life where you don't live a life that is too small and limiting. Dweck's book is a great introduction to the idea of mindsets, and might be a great starting point for constructive conversations at work and at home. You just might want to challenge yourself and those you care about to shift to the growing side of mindset. For now, consider that mindset as an accessory to be chosen every day, and choose wisely.

Plan B: When Resiliency Matters

Sheryl Sandberg, author of Leaning In and COO of Facebook, unexpectedly lost her husband Dave Goldberg this May in an accident while they were on a vacation together in Mexico. The couple were very close and shared roles as breadwinners and parents. She has just become a single parent with the task of finishing raising their son and daughter by herself.

In June, she finished sheloshim, the first thirty days of mourning for a spouse called for by their Jewish faith, and she is reentering many of her normal activities. Sandberg released an essay she posted on Facebook about her experience losing Dave, what motherhood means to her now, and what she has learned about how to respond with sensitivity when others experience loss. It's well worth reading.

I was particularly struck by a brave comment Sandberg makes about making plans for one of their children to go to a father/child event with a family friend who offered to step in for Dave. She wanted Dave, but their friend pointed out that Dave was not an option, so they needed to go to plan B. Sandberg discloses feeling so much loss at Plan A for her life not working out and grieving it deeply, but now committing herself fiercely to Plan B. I honor her resiliency.

The ability to come back from loss, disappointment, rejection and failure is one of the most essential character traits we need to develop and we need to help our children develop. I've been counseling individuals and families long enough to know that there is a random distribution of bad things that happen in life, even if you're making your best effort. Your partner can die prematurely. You can work hard in your marriage to be a faithful and loving partner and still see it end in divorce. You can have an infant or a child not survive. You can lose your home or your business. You or a family member can become disabled which can dramatically alter what you had planned. What are we to do?

Being resilient and going on after loss and disappointment takes courage, bravery and spirit. You have to make the decision to go on, rebuild and go for the joy again, despite what has happened. Life is full of unexpected things, and sometimes the best we can do is to experience and process the feelings of loss, work towards acceptance and throw ourselves hard into Plan B. Sandberg's essay includes thoughtful insights on what has just happened to her family, and also the tenacity that she expresses to go forward for herself and her children.

There are lessons here, too, to be shared with our children about not just striving to achieve and accomplish great things, but also the spirit to come back from difficult things. Perhaps we should celebrate most of all when they try again following challenges, failure, loss and disappointment. Encouraging our children to be real and also be strong and resilient are some of the best values we can role model or instill. We can't bubble wrap our children to protect them, but we can encourage and honor their lessons in bouncing back from adversity and not giving up.

Raising strong, kind and resilient children is a wonderful legacy to leave behind. Being a person and a parent who lives in this resilient way isn't easy at all. 

Loss and disappointment can open us up in the most amazing ways to the importance of living life well and cultivating close relationships. Loss makes us realize how fragile we are all, what's really essential and how precious life is. Significant losses can tenderize us and open our hearts even more than before. Being resilient, and going forward despite how we are changed, is what takes real courage.

Want a Closer Family? Eat Together

Dinner is about more than just the food you are eating. Eating together as a family is the emotional connecting point of the day. For busy families who are often running in different directions to work, school or sports activities, it’s more important than ever to reserve time to bond.

Read my article from the Orange County Register about family dinners here.

Preparing For The Empty Nest

What happens when you send your only or last child to college? Mom and Dad need to give some thought to their next chapter. You don't want your college student to worry that you won't be okay! You also don't want them to feel frustrated with the neediness of too frequent phone calls so that they are distracted from making a positive adjustment to college. Starting to think about this transition a year or two ahead of launching your only or youngest child is a good idea.

If you've been an involved and caring parent, you want to plan for the sense of loss that can occur when your son or daughter departs for college. I like to remind parents that launching your child successfully into college is the desired outcome of the parenting project. It's just that it's an ending. You may have feelings of sadness, loss, grief, relief, joy and worry. You will also have some free time and emotional energy that you can redistribute to other people and causes.

After the college launch is a good time to develop your sense of self. What are your other interests and passions you haven't had time to pursue? Would you like to take a class or learn something new? Perhaps you'd like to volunteer for a cause you care about. In Orange County, where my counseling practice is, we have a great non-profit organization called OneOC that can help you quickly scan most volunteer needs in our local community.

It can be helpful to picture your life as a grid of about 16 boxes. While you are in the heavy parenting years, your children can fill many of the boxes. As you prepare to launch the youngest, it's time to re-examine your grid. You need many different facets of your life to be fully developing and keep yourself interested and interesting. Here are some boxes to consider for your life grid:

• Creativity
• Career
• Spirituality
• Self-Care
• Physical Health
• Physical Activities
• Outdoor Time
• Personal Growth
• Love Relationship
• Friendships
• Community Service
• Family Relationships
• Home
• Finances
• Intellectual Growth
• Travel

In each area, you can identify a goal and a small step you can take to move forward. It's best to take on just a couple of grid blocks at a time. This can be a kind of road map for giving your life a well-rounded feel.

For couples, I like to encourage you to think of launching your youngest child as a time for a renaissance for your marriage. Here's a fun exercise you can do with your partner about creating positive experiences together:

Have each partner write a separate list about fun things you liked to do together when you were first together, what you currently enjoy doing together, and what you would enjoy doing together in the future. Next, compare lists. You can negotiate trying some of the future activities that each of you would like. Remember, before your youngest child departs is a great time to intentionally begin  growing closer and having more fun together as a couple.

Entrances (like births, adoptions, marriages and remarriages) and exits (deaths, divorce, separations and transitions to the next phase of life) are challenges for the family system. Being intentional about making the transition to becoming empty nesters another positive chapter in your life helps everyone.

Actively creating this transition will serve you better than ignoring it until you come back from dropping your son or daughter at college. The whole family needs to make some adjustments and grow, adults included. You may find that you grow closer to your child as the space increases between you. It helps to remember that a part of being a good parent at some transition points is letting go with love.

A Long Goodbye: Mom's Legacy

My mom passed away this week after a 9 year battle with cancer. I'm feeling grateful for having her as my mom all these years, for the kind of mother, grandmother and person she was. I also feel profoundly grateful for the hospice staff who helped us and the unsung hero, my dad, who was her caregiver and made it possible for her to stay at home as she wished.

Over the past 9 years, I've had lunch and some kind of outing with mom pretty much every Friday. We didn't let cancer get in our way much. We went out for lunch and an adventure, even if we needed to pack a walker or a wheelchair. We talked about so many things: her growing up years in Kansas on a wheat farm in the Great Depression with her 7 brothers and sisters, losing her dad when she was still young, about her life as a wife, a mother, and especially her constant joy with being a grandmother to my daughters.

Since I have known for years that her cancer was a terminal type of blood tumor cancer, I've had a great deal of time to reflect on all the wonderful life lessons she taught me. Here are some of the best lessons she taught me with her life:

1. Invest in people. If you invest in children, maybe you can be close to them all your life as they grow up. When I called many of mom's friends this week, I was moved by how close so many different people felt to her.

2. Being a grandparent is what you make it. Join their world, slow down and be hands-on. I will never forget finding mom and my girls deep into a pasta making adventure in her kitchen and letting each child shape, cook and eat their own creation.

3. Speak up. Don't go unexpressed. Mom was not afraid to tell you how she felt. She was open and direct.

4. Always have a trip planned or something to look forward to. She loved working in the travel industry for many years and loved helping people make wonderful plans and enjoy having a trip on the horizon. Even in her last few weeks she was excited about helping us make plans for an 80th birthday brunch she was looking forward to. In her heyday, mom and I took my girls traveling on girl's trips to New York City one year, and Washington, D.C. another. Mom and Dad traveled extensively together on co-adventures they loved.

5. Make life fun. Growing up, we had a smile drawer by the front door which was actually empty but you could use your imagination to grab one on your way in or out. We had a backwards party as kids where we ate dessert first and did everything backwards. Mom made international dinner nights when my sister and I were kids. She got us involved in making art projects like drawing and making marzipan.

6. Start with what you're going to wear. Anytime any family member had an important event upcoming- a graduation, dance, job interview, wedding or a big presentation, she would help by suggesting what would be good to wear or take you shopping to help you find the perfect thing.

7. Work hard and believe and you can make things happen. Mom loved a project and working towards a goal. She helped me set up my first office and get settled when we moved. She loved to have us help her rearrange the furniture as kids.

8. The importance of home. Mom made home a priority, and took delight in making it warm and inviting. She loved to entertain family and friends.

9. Stay positive and never surrender your hope. During her 9 years of battling terminal cancer, she focused on what she could still do. In the last few weeks, she joked about what would happen if she flunked hospice.

10. Make life a wonderful adventure. Mom was silly, fun and full of life. When my girls were little, she dressed up for Halloween to surprise them and served color-themed breakfasts on antique glass dishes, like a blue breakfast with blueberries or a red one with raspberries.

11. Keep learning and growing. Mom was interested in personal growth before it was even fashionable. She took classes and read extensively about relationships and spirituality. She and dad introduced me to the enneagram by taking some classes with them in Santa Monica many years ago. She loved to learn and understand herself, others and the world better. I'm sure she influenced my becoming a therapist.

My mom, Phyllis Nelson, leaves a legacy in many hearts. She was brave, kind, determined and creative. I will always remember mom with a strong, warm feeling in my heart, and I think lots of other people feel the same way.

Courage Wall Project: What Would You Write?

Leadership coach Nancy Belmont from Alexandria, Virginia unveiled something both powerful and inspiring this May in her hometown. It's a set of giant blackboards stretching eight feet tall and twenty feet wide along a wooden fence on a busy street. A bucket of chalk hangs on each side of the blackboard. The top of the chalkboard asks what people wish they had the courage to do and people filled it up with things they'd love to be brave enough to accomplish.

Within a few hours, the chalkboard was full. Belmont photographed the entries and created a Facebook page of what people wrote down. Then she added more chalkboards. Turns out, people in Alexandria and all over the world are resonating with this idea. Belmont says she was inspired by a TED talk to live big and a Before I Die Project in New Orleans a few years ago. Belmont had participated in a 360 leadership assessment with feedback from others as well as herself identifying that she needed to be more courageously authentic. This project was a huge fear, but now her greatest success.

Belmont says it's often the case that people come to the wall not sure of what they fear or will write down, but the exercise helps peel away the layers to let the fears emerge. The first fear she wrote down was "I wish I had the courage not to worry about money", which she found challenging as a small business owner. After the first week in June, Belmont's chalkboards will go down in Alexandria, but she hopes to take it on the road.

A few of the powerful things that participants have written down that they want to be courageous enough to manifest are...

• Adopting a child
• Not to be a bully
• Run for office
• Start a business
• Ask for a second date
• Stand up for myself
• Be me
• Say no
• Change careers
• Try out for the crew team
• Go to a shelter
• Bike a volcano
• Travel to a foreign country
• Tell my secrets
• Be vulnerable
• Risk looking foolish
• be okay failing or being rejected
• Move across the country
• Ask the person I like out
• Tell my partner what I really need

Belmont has received lots of positive feedback, that the exercise has moved many participants to take positive action towards the things they most wanted in life but were afraid to try for.

Everything in life that matters takes some risk. Fear isn't a bad thing, but we don't want to allow fear to run our lives and keep us from taking healthy risks and growing. I love Belmont's project because it reminds all of us of the power of setting our intentions. It also demonstrates the power of having a community that bears witness to our hopes, dreams and plans. Living big, with authenticity and courage is possible for each of us, and when we see others around us living this way, it can become contagious.

How could you live your life bigger, and get past a fear that is holding you back from living fully? When people are interviewed in their 70's and beyond, they often regret the risks not taken and the words that were not expressed. The courage wall project is a powerful exercise to reflect on by yourself, or discuss with your partner and children. We need more warriors for brave authenticity. You are the author of your own story. Pass it on!

Finding the Right Therapist

I often get asked how to find a therapist and more importantly, one that is the right fit for you. It can be a challenging experience, especially if you are trying therapy for the first time. I found this great article by Gabrielle Moss from Bustle.com that breaks down finding a therapist step by step. It's a good resource and an entertaining read!
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